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How to Cry it Out: The Bedtime Edition

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Update: It’s been ~5 years since I wrote this. It’s mostly still accurate. However during this time I’ve vastly expanded my knowledge about kids, sleep, schedules, and sleep training. The sum total of that knowledge can be found in my book, which is a comprehensive resource on sleep training. If you’re serious about successfully fostering independent sleep for your child, this is your guide. 

Additionally I no longer use the term “CIO” for a variety of reasons. I would strip it’s use from my website but I can’t. Most people find my site through Google and the term they are often searching for is “how to Cry it Out”. So I will leave it here, largely unchanged, for that reason. Thanks for understanding.

Well little baby, here we are. Mommy and Daddy have read every book, tried every technique, bought every sleep aid they could find. The months have slogged by and nobody is sleeping. Daddy is staring stoically out the window. Mommy is curled up on the couch wearing coffee-stained yoga pants and feeling like a giant failure. Everybody feels cranky and sad. And defeated. And the only way out of this pitt of sleep deprivation is to let you cry. They adore you beyond words, but baby, this is happening. It’s going to suck for a few days. But it really is for the best.

If you’ve come to the conclusion that cry it out is the answer this is a great overview.

1) To break out of the desperate pattern of bedtime battles and frequent night wakings and get everybody sleeping a civilized amount during the night.
2) To achieve goal #1 with the minimal amount of crying.

The best way to meet your CIO goals is to embrace the 14 point CIO plan I’ve put together here.

How to do Cry it Out?

1) Buy a night vision monitor.

They’re expensive and not particularly reliable (you may have to buy a new one for each new baby). But I think it’s a worthy investment for piece of mind and would recommend purchasing one prior to CIO. It will give you a safe window onto your baby all night long.

2) Make naps happen

You want your baby well rested going into bedtime because tired babies sleep poorly. So you’re investing in day sleep to help minimize the amount of bedtime crying. Does your baby take great naps in the car? In your lap? While co-sleeping? Great! For the next few days do what you need to to get those naps to happen. By any means necessary.

3) Avoid cat naps.

Your goal is longer naps. So don’t drive to the grocery store at naptime because that 5-minute car nap is working against step #2 (above). For the next few days you are going to be the Nap Master, to the exclusion of all else.

4) Use a solid bedtime routine.

What is a SOLID bedtime routine?

  • Takes 20-30 minutes to complete.
  • Involves decreasing levels of activity and light. (No TV time, no dance parties, activities should be moving towards the bedroom).
  • Everybody should enjoy the activities.
  • Final activities take place in the location your child will be sleeping.
  • Ends BEFORE baby is asleep!

have you done your baby sleep homework?

What are you trying to wean your baby off of? Rocking to sleep, co-sleeping, nursing to sleep, pacifier, etc? Whatever it is DO NOT include this as part of your bedtime routine! If it must be part of the routine (ex. food) then make sure there is at least a 20 minute gap between baby’s last meal and bedtime.

Sample Bedtime Routine – Bottle/Boob, Bath (no soap), Massage, Jammies, Book, Song, Bed.

5) Ensure that baby’s sleep location is ABSOLUTELY safe.

Dangling cords within reach of the crib? Unprotected outlets? The crib should be clear of any possible entrapment hazards (no stuffed animals, blankets or pillows!). The only thing in there, other than your baby, is potentially a small lovey. If your child is old enough enough to be out of a crib, put on your anal retentive hat and look at your child’s room. Does the furniture present tipover hazards? Are there toys which could break into sharp pieces? Choking hazards?

Special Case: What about Co-Sleeping?

Yes you can use CIO for a co-sleeping baby if you intend to continue co-sleeping. Most often this is used in the case where Mom wants to stop being used as a human pacifier but is happy to continue co-sleeping. This can be done but it’s challenging. You can’t leave an angry crying baby alone in an adult bed. Even if that “bed” is nothing more than a mattress on the floor. It is simply not safe and shouldn’t be done under ANY circumstance. So, where does that leave you?

If this is your goal, it leaves you IN the room with your angry crying baby. I realize this may sound like I’m joking but I assure you, I’m not. You put your child on your bed, preferably between you and the wall. Then you lie down on the bed facing away from your child. Then you bite your knuckles hard enough to keep from flipping over and nursing your crying child to sleep.

6) Use your words.

Your baby’s receptive language develops far earlier than their expressive language. This means they understand what you are saying long before they can speak themselves. “It’s time for you to sleep buddy. Mommy and Daddy love you. We’re right next door. We’ll see you with big hugs and kisses in the morning. But for now we’re going to leave so your body can get the sleep it needs to be strong and healthy. I love you little baby!” Use the same words every night as part of your bedtime routine.

7) Give baby as much soothing as possible!

For older babies (6+ months) your options are generally limited to loud white noise, block out blinds, and a small lovey. It’s sometimes helpful to have Mom stuff the lovey in her bra and wear it there all day so that it smells like Mom. If your baby is still swaddled that is also really helpful. DON’T use any sleep aids which will feed into your object permanence problem. So pacifiers, timed music, etc. are all forboden.

8) Leave the room.

There are some books that suggest that it is more gentle to stay in the room so that your loving presence can help provide helpful soothing. In my experience staying in the room has the opposite effect, making your baby more upset, “WHY AREN’T YOU PICKING ME UP! HELLO?!? I can SEE you sitting RIGHT THERE!” It also has the unintended consequence of potentially creating a new object permanence problem for you in that they will expect to see you sitting there when they wake up throughout the night. For these two reasons I suggest that once you put your baby down, you get out.

9) Mom or primary care giver should leave the house.

Decide which parent (if there are 2) is the most likely to turn into emotional jelly at the sound of their baby crying (generally this is Mom). The emotional jelly parent should get out of the house and leave things to their more stalwart counterpart. Lots of parents feel that they need to sit in the hallway, curled into a fetal position, crying tear-for-tear with their baby as some sort of penance for their failure to teach baby to fall asleep. Crying in the hallway serves no purpose other than to make you miserable. Worse, it creates the opportunity for the dark strains of guilt to muddle your thinking. “I feel horrible! Maybe I’ll just nurse him to sleep one last time?” Backsliding won’t solve any problems and even worse, guarantees you even more crying in the future. A good way to avoid backsliding is to simply leave it to your partner and get out.

10) Commit to Check and Console or Full Extinction.

Personally I recommend the Full Extinction or Weissbluth method. However as I was unable to find any research that backed up my theory that this method results in less crying, you’re welcome to consider both and determine which works best for you.

have you done your baby sleep homework?
If you start the CIO process planning to Ferberize or check and console and THEN determine that your visits are making things worse, you CAN switch methods to the Weissbluth full extension method. However DO NOT switch from the Weissbluth full extension method TO Ferber or check and console as this generally leads to LOTS OF CRYING!

11) Cry it out does not mean night weaning.

IF your baby has been eating/nursing at night then you will need to feed/nurse your baby when they wake up. CIO is not a good way to cut out night feedings as hungry babies will cry A TON. If your baby had been eating at predictable times then feed your baby when they “regularly” would be eating. If your baby wakes up crying at a time other than when they would regularly eat, then I recommend you don’t go to them.

If your baby was previously sleeping glued to your boob (don’t laugh, this is a REALLY common problem) then sorting out what is a cry for attention vs. a cry for food will be challenging. You’ll need to listen to your baby and your gut and make the best determination you can. I would suggest you try to space out the feedings as best as you can. For example if you nursed your baby at 6:30 PM then I would be reluctant to offer more food before, say, 11:00 PM. If you nursed again at 11:00 PM, then potentially the next feeding could reasonably be expected to happen at 3:00 AM. However these are not hard and fast rules, listen to your gut. It’s almost always giving you good advice.

12) Put baby back down awake. Or don’t.

In my experience the key with sleep training is to put baby down awake at BEDTIME. If you feed your baby during the night AFTER that point, it is generally OK if they fall asleep in your arms and then go back into their bed. I have not found that it is critical to wake baby up enough to “put baby down awake” at 2:00 AM. However if they do not organically fall asleep during the feeding I would not encourage you to rock them to sleep in your arms intentionally and THEN put them down asleep.

13) When baby wakes up early?

CIO is very effective at bedtime because there are a number of biological factors that make it very difficult for your child to stay awake at that time. However if your baby wakes up very early in the morning (4:00 AM or 5:00 AM) letting them cry will almost never result in them falling back to sleep. If your baby wakes up very early and doesn’t seem to be falling back to sleep (it’s been longer than ~20 minutes) then it’s morning time for you. This is horrible but generally temporary. You may want to consider offering baby a quick snack, putting baby in the swing, or bringing baby back into your bed. Sometimes these options will buy everybody a few more hours or sleep. But crying is unlikely to do anything productive.

14)

cry it out ferberizing weissbluth

If you’ve started down this path then in almost all cases the worst thing you can do is to cave in halfway through. Night #1 will be stressful for everybody. But what happens if you go to your baby to rock/nurse them after 45 minutes of crying? You’ve failed to let them figure out how to fall asleep without rocking or nursing. But you have taught them that if they cry for 45 minutes, you will come and rock or nurse the to sleep. Which means that the next time you have a go at cry it out (and trust me, there is ALMOST ALWAYS a next time) it will be longer and rougher than it is right now.

The truth is that there are a thousand frequently asked questions about CIO but I’ve narrowed it down to a few hot button questions which I’ve answered below:

Cry it Out FAQ

  1. How long will the crying last?

    I suppose “it depends” is not a particularly useful answer. If you follow all my advice then you’ll generally find that kids will cry ~1 hour at bedtime on night #1, ~20 minutes on night #2, and 10 minutes on night #3. They may continue to grumble at bedtime going forward but it will generally be only for a few minutes. Some babies will only cry at bedtime. Some will wake up periodically and cry for 20-30 minutes throughout the night. As long as you aren’t trying to night wean via CIO, the middle-of-the-night crying generally stops after night #1.

  2. When will I be able to put my smiling baby down for sleep at bedtime?

    When do you smile when scrubbing toilets? Never? Well there’s your answer. Most kids will not enjoy bedtime until they are old enough to have their OWN kids at which point it will quickly become the favorite part of their day.

  3. Am I a bad parent?

    I don’t know, are you? I don’t believe that CIO makes you a bad parent. I do believe that you have tried everything you can to avoid letting your baby cry. And that nothing worked. And nobody is sleeping. I also believe that your whole family will be happier and healthier when you are all able to get the sleep you need at night. Cry it out is a bummer and nobody likes to do it. But 3 nights of unhappy baby are a worthy tradeoff.

  4. Can I use CIO for naps too?

    That is a whole separate topic which I’ll write about in the future. I don’t recommend tackling naps until AFTER night sleep is well established. So for now, focus on getting night sleep sorted out and let things settle into a positive and predictable sleep routine before you start mucking about with naps.

  5. Won’t they get confused if I keep (rocking, nursing, pacifier) for naps but not bedtime?

    Different parts of the brain regulate day vs. night sleep so you aren’t mucking things up by rocking to sleep at naptime then using CIO at bedtime. Many people feel they need to tackle the whole day at once but I don’t recommend it. Sorting out naps tends to take a while and involve quite a bit of crying and not napping. Babies who don’t nap become overtired. Overtired babies cry at bedtime. A lot. So with the goal of minimizing crying you would work on having GREAT naps (by any means necessary) so your baby is well-rested coming into CIO bedtime. Once night sleep is well established sorting out naps becomes easier (because well-rested babies sleep better), which is why I recommend focusing on night sleep FIRST before moving on to nap battles.

  6. If I can’t use CIO to night wean, how DO I get out of night feedings?

    Once you are done with crying at bedtime and things have become a bit more predictable, you can use these gentle night weaning techniques to gradually get out of night feedings. The bad news is that depending on the age of your child and the # of feedings this may take 1-3 weeks. The good news is that it’s surprisingly effective and tear-free.

  7. What if my baby throws up?

    Some kids can get themselves so worked up they throw up. It sucks when this happens. You’ll need to quietly go to them, clean them up and get them fresh jammies/bedding, ideally with as little light and fuss as is possible. Put them back in their bed, use your words, and leave.

Anybody have any experience they would like to share? Words of wisdom, kind advice, and lessons learned are very welcome!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I’m not sure if it has been asked already, but my son just plays he’s not crying do I treat it as crying and wait the intervals or do I wait until he does cry and then start the timer?

    Reply

    • Hi Jayne,

      I’m by no means an expert like Alexis, just a parent of a four month old who has read every sleep book and tried a few sleep training methods. From what I’ve read, I wouldn’t start the timer until they are crying/need comfort. If your child is playing, however, maybe they’re being put down too early? Again I’m not an expert just giving my two cents. ☺ Best of luck!

      Reply

    • I know this is late but could help others….if you know they are tired and are not crying I would give them 20minutes. If they are still playing, go in remind them it’s tomw for bed and leave again. Lay them down and do a quit 1,2,3 pat or take the item that is distracting them from sleep. I have nannies for years and one boy in particular did this. He had an infant owl toy that would do 15 minutes of lullaby/white noise/etc. I would push the button and remind it it was time to sleeping walk out. Sometimes he just needed an extra que or distraction. Sometimes h didn’t sleep at all and we had a end time. If this happens often you could consider adjusting the schedule to fewer naps, later naps, or if you think they’re overtired an earlier nap. It’s good to have an idea of how long each age should be awake. Many of us keep our babies up too long, making them overtired quickly.

      Reply

  2. Thank you sooo much for your book and website. I will be recommending it to every parent I know! Our baby was a very “high needs” baby – needed the boob to fall asleep, refused pacifier, swing, and swaddle, and only catnapped throughout the day. Thanks to your book and website we have a baby who’s able to fall asleep on his own and sleeps 12 hours with only one or two night feedings! Thank you so so much for your expert and comedic writing!

    Reply

    • Amand, may I ask how you did this with boob association. I’m confused because in the text above it says to not include nursing to the bedtime routine and provide 20 min of after time. In my case nursing IS the problem so it is the last part of our routine. How did you do it? Nurses and put your lo down awake for that first day meaning you kept your nursing to sleep routine up until the last day? Or you changed it to include those 30 min of after time?
      Thank you

      Reply

      • Hi! if nursing to sleep is the problem, then you MUST change nursing to the first part of your bedtime routine and separate nursing from falling asleep by 20 min or so. So you could nurse, give bath, read a book or sing and then put to bed awake. Good luck!

        Reply

  3. We have a 7 mo daughter who we have been trying CIO with and she falls asleep within 20 minutes, which is great. In the event that she wakes up early, for example goes down at 7:30pm and wake up at 10:00pm, do you let her CIO? Or do you assume she needs to be fed?

    I don’t know what the best course of action is in a situation like that. We haven’t encountered that, but we have a house guest coming over and I worry in case this new guest disrupts her, what should we do?

    Thanks for your help!

    Reply

    • I’m wondering the same thing. She sort of answers this above by saying to figure out her normal night feeding times and feed at those times. If she wakes way early, then I would probably do CIO again. Either way, a plan needs to be in place.

      Reply

      • My 5 mo wakes in middle of the night 1.5-3 hours before his normal feeding time about once per week since starting CIO (3 weeks) and it’s SO discouraging. We are pretty sure he’s not hungry or wet but he will take over an hour to fall back asleep whenever this happens and I feel TERRIBLE letting him cry this long! But I don’t want to add back an unnecessary night feeding or break the CIO that we’ve been working so hard on. Bedtimes seem to have been successful. Please, any advice? Tonight he’s appeared to have gone back to sleep after 20 min of crying but woken up and kept screaming…twice now…

        Reply

        • Also I should mention that when I’ve given in and fed him an hour ‘early’ (3 am instead of the normal 4-5 am) he woke at 6:30 am for the day instead of 7-8 am normal. The crying episodes have been at 1:00 or 2:40 am

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  4. My girl’s been waking up every hour or so for months now and it’s particularly bad lately because she’s learnt to sit up on her own (8.5 months), and it breaks her sleep even more since she can’t lie back down on her own. Can we still sleep train her now? Should we leave her crying when she involuntarily sits up at night? Thank you so much for your advise!

    Reply

  5. We are ready (whether we want to or not) to head down the CIO road, but have a few questions. Baby is just about to turn 5 months old and has become good at rolling onto her stomach, but doesn’t know how that well or like to roll back to her back. She sleeps in a dock-a-tot sleeping pod in her crib (transitioned out of our bed a month ago) and hasn’t learned not know how to roll in yet. She has transitioned to a woombie swaddle, which gives her the ability to move her arms a little more, but prevents her from yanking out her pacifier, which was what she was doing every time we started transitioning to arms out. We want to be safe and have her out of the dock-a-tot and swaddle before she learns how to roll in it, but don’t know if that problem should be tackled at the same time or after the pacifier. So, for CIO – should we do it with her still using the woombie (arms in) and dock-a-tot, or do we dump them all at once (pacifier, dock-a-tot, woombie (arms in)? If we do them all at once, how do we deal with her rolling, something she’s never experienced while sleeping? She’s only ever slept on her back. Or could we dump the woombie (arms in) and pacifier, but wait on the dock-a-tot as to prevent the rolling problem? Would it help to have her arms free so she can try and suck on her hands? Sorry if that was confusing. We just want to make sure we don’t take away too much at once, or drag it out by taking things away too slowly and would love some advice!

    Reply

    • Whoops! Clearly sleep deprived.

      It should say “She sleeps in a dock-a-tot sleeping pod in her crib (transitioned out of our bed a month ago) and hasn’t learned how to roll in yet.”

      Reply

      • Lynn, if you’ve got a pacifier + docatot + swaddle situation going on, I would eliminate all of them when you start seep training. It is more change at once, but baby will have one “new normal” to adapt to rather than a constantly changing environment. (Plus, there is safety to consider with the swaddle/rolling and docatot).

        Reply

  6. Our little boy is now 10 months old. He will sleep during the day if in the pram or car, he goes to sleep by himself at 7.30pm without a problem however he wakes up howling, often around 11pm and hourly after that. He will have a breast feed around 2am and 5am, sometimes he is fed on every wake up to help stop him screaming. We try not to pick him up and just soothe him in his cot, in his room but this can take up to 1 hour. Any suggestions to help him sleep. Thanks

    Reply

  7. Hi Alexis!
    I’m so glad I found your site-I just wish I had found it sooner! We have a 9-month old who takes great naps at daycare-goes in awake, no crying. At home it’s a completely different story for naps. I’m also working on not nursing the baby to sleep anymore, but whether I put LO down awake or asleep, we usually get a good 8 or 9 hour stretch before I nurse again. My big question is, if we know great naps can happen at daycare, how can we make things as smooth at home?

    Reply

  8. CIO worked really really well for us. first night baby cried 40 mins and fell asleep. 2nd night, just about 5 minutes…3rd night..nothing!!! 🙂 today’s gonna be the fourth night..keeping fingers crossed.

    Our baby wakes up between 3-4AM and goes back to sleep after we give him a bottle.

    since we started CIO, this window has been sliding towards 4-5AM. This morning he woke up 4:45AM. started crying, and since ur doc told us to wait about 15 mins before bringing the bottle, we waited it out. in 2 minutes, 18 seconds and 87 milliseconds, he stopped crying and went back to sleep (yes i’m equipped with stop watch, night vision etc. for this). I saw him sucking his fingers on and off in his sleep after this.

    even by 6:30AM he didn’t ask for a feed afterwards, but my heart was sinking by this time, so i just gave him a bottle in his sleep.

    So it seems with CIO, he’s kind of OK without his night feed. When exactly should we give him a feed? should we wait for him to ask for one even if it means its been 6-8 or even 10 hours since his last meal? (note that we usually put him to bed at 9PM, and give him a feed at midnight in his sleep)

    Reply

  9. My baby is 7 months old and sleeps great in her rock n play. She drifts off on her own without any help for naps and bedtime. Assuming it’s time to get out of it…. it’s not going well…. she hates her crib. Can’t get comfortable. I had no idea the rock n play would become a “vice”
    CIO isn’t working or getting better. She just keeps waking and taking long spurts to go back down. Please help

    Reply

      • But we had to CIO as last resort for our almost 7 month old so no shame. Realized it might have come off like OMG don’t CIO… it’s definitely a last resort but sometimes very necessary

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  10. My husband is convinced that we can extinguish a 430/5am wake up by crying it out with our 13 month old. We’re just so tired that all we can do is stay in bed. I used to breast feed her at 430 but she really just woke every hour until we just got up with her at 620am. Not sure what to do at this point. She sleeps from 7pm-430am for the most part and I’m not interested in breastfeeding at night anymore. Any tips? We are really only getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of our older child and work :/

    Reply

    • Hey Anita,

      I would give this a listen: https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/when-baby-wakes-up-too-early/
      (specifically listen to the concept of “sad mornings”)

      Also while getting up at 4:30/5 am is crappy you should be able to get more than 4 hours a night. You didn’t ask and I’m not judging! But consider your minimum human level of sleep = 6 uninterrupted hours. Then think, OK what is standing between us and 6 hours and figure out how you can fix that. Work may not be fixable. But issues with older kids are almost always fixable.

      Good luck!

      Reply

  11. My 11 month old wakes up every night around 2 am and I try to feed her and put her back to sleep and she wants to stay up. I do give her a binky one for her month and one in her hand, but that’s not helping either. She does fall asleep for me on the bottle before bed and from there I put her in her bed. I need help, only getting 4 hours of sleep.

    Reply

  12. We’ve been using Weissbluth method for 6 nights, and aren’t seeing progress. We’ve established bedtime routine, early to bed, and laying him down awake. Instead of the crying decreasing each night, it’s been more like a roller coaster. 18 minutes the first night, then 12, then 26, then 11…
    I’m feeling like this is a miss and a fail. Please advise!

    Reply

        • I’ve tried CIO with our now 12 month old many times and given up. Every time, he cries for at least an hour. One time it was 3 hours. His pediatrician said “wow, he’s tough!” He said there’s no harm, so we’re giving it another go. Night one, 50 min and counting…..

          Reply

  13. Any chance you can explain What to do if there is a night feed but you need to CIO to get rid of what feels like a million other wakings? If baby night feed is at 3am…and she wakes up at 2am…do I let her cry? Whst if she cries until 3am (which she did)?

    Reply

  14. Thank you for this awesome article! After 2 years of no sleep in this house, we planned ahead and tried full extinction last night. We honestly were not sure it would work. Happy to report that 36 minutes later,we had a fully asleep toddler albeit on the floor in front of his gate – but asleep! And for the first time in 2 years – he slept through the night and so did we! Might start planning his birthday party now with my clear head! Thank you!

    Reply

    • Way to go! We had a similar experience with our 15 month old and it was life changing. We decided to have another baby and now we’re in the same sleep deprived. boat. Lol not for long tho…we learned our lesson.

      Reply

  15. My 11month old used to be a great sleeper until he started teething and got a ear infection. I believe he also hit a 10 month sleep regression. My son would only go to sleep if he was rocked to sleep and most times once you went to put him in his crib he’d instantly wake and it would start all over again. Bedtime wad taking up to two or more hours some nights. We tried the ferber method for two nights and it failed horribly because it would upset him more when we’d go in to check on him. We are now on night three of extinction and he’s still crying 50 minutes a night until he falls asleep. Is this normal? Or is my baby just more stubborn?

    Reply

    • I actually just talked to my doctor about this. Because your baby is older (mine is 15 mo), going in their bedroom to soothe them will actually make the situation worse. With older babies, you’ll have to just avoid going in their room to soothe.
      We did our first CIO with our 15 mo old last night. He cried for about half an hour. He slept through the night and woke at 5:00 am. We did the Ferberizing method with his older sister when she was 7 months old and that worked really well at that age. Nothing worked with my middle child though, each baby is different! She would only STTN if she was snuggling someone. It was a rough toddlerhood with her. She started responding to bedtime routines and going to sleep on her own when she was around 3 or 4. When we tried different cio methods with her, she would cry for hours each night, and wake even more frequently in the middle of the night.

      Reply

      • Also, my little guy used to be a great sleeper until we got the flu at 12 months, immediately followed by 4 molars and 4 canines popping out around 14 months. His teeth have all broken through now, which is why we knew is was time for cry it out. He got in the habit of waking while sick and teething. Then it became just that for him: habit.

        Reply

  16. Thank you so much for your website, it has answered so many questions for us! We had a few more, I’m not sure if they have been addressed elsewhere on your website, We have an almost 6 month old that wakes frequently for a few hours after we put him to bed. For example, we could put him to bed at 8PM, and he might wake up 3-4 times before 11PM. He’s very upset and cries. Picking him up and rocking him rarely helps and he usually needs to be breastfed to fall back asleep. He may fall back asleep in our arms, but wakes up as soon as we lay him down. He still wakes up every 2-3 hours throughout the night to be breastfed. Sometimes he falls asleep at the breast and we can transition him back to bed, but other times he keeps waking up when we lay him down. We are gearing up to do some sleep training. I now know not to tackle naps yet and to wait to wean him off breastfeeding throughout the night.
    1) I was wondering if you have any posts about putting your child to bed drowsy but awake, without doing cry it out. (If I put him down drowsy, he will just cry. I ether have to rock him or feed him, which I know is a sleep association we need to break.) I want to get into the habit of putting him down awake for naps and bedtime.
    2) After I feed him in the night, he sometimes does not settle right away and we have to pick him up and soothe him a few times before he falls asleep again. If we are doing sleep training (CIO) to get him to fall asleep, should we let him CIO in the night after I have fed him if he does not fall back asleep right away?
    3). Does it confuse the baby if I wean him off all night feedings but keep one of them in the middle of the night? (I’m not sure if he is ready to go all night without feeding)
    Thank very much for all your help!

    Reply

    • Andrea, we are in the EXACT same boat – sounds like the same situation. Did you get any helpful responses, or did you have some good luck?! We have the book and are going to try to start the process tonight, but I’m scared it won’t work to be honest. I have this fear that we are the anomaly, and my poor little girl will be crying for hours with no progress.

      Reply

      • Same situation with my first and now my second. My sister has the same situation too. With my first we tried the Weissbluth method (cio) at 6 months old and it did not work. (way more than just one week of severe crying and night waking crying etc so for us it was better to go back to before – hated the cio in the night plus did not like disturbing our apartment neighbors!). However, it did work when we tried again at 9.5 months! NOw with my second kid, same situation as both you (Andrea & Nicole) and as before with my first… He is 7 months old and the only way we are surviving this long is that we equally are taking turns or the other takes over if one of us starts feeling resentment. And having the older one helps emotionally/mentally just knowing that they grow so fast and time is flying by! Anyway, still going to have to sleep train him but may wait until 9 months like we did with the first kid. Good luck to you both

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        • Thanks for the advice and encouragement, Brea!

          We ended up giving it a shot about ten days ago and she took to it really well! 50mins first night, 23mins second night, 5mins third night, and since then either no or just a couple minutes of crying at bedtime. She’s still waking once, sometimes twice, for night feedings…which of course my body still needs too. I hope to slowly wean those in a month or so. She was 5.5mo when we did it.

          Anyway, mostly wanted to say thank you for the support, and to offer to anyone finding this thread at a future date, to please feel free to respond if you need support!

          Reply

          • Of course, I’m glad to have support here and glad to give it back! So,, 5 mins the third night? woohoo that’s great. When we go for it, I will be reading this again to give me encouraging thoughts, thanks!!

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          • HI Nicole and Brea,

            Sorry for the late response. Glad that CIO worked for your little one. That is eventually what we did as well. And it made a huge improvement with going to bed and even naps. Now, I dream feed at 10:30 and he is waking around 2:30 and 5:30 for feeds. We are trying to wean off the 2:30 feed without much success though. My paediatrician and the nurse both said he should be able to go 7 hours without feeding and just to use CIO in the night to wean him off. I am breastfeeding, but I find it hard to slowly decrease the amount I feed him over time (who can time the feeds when you’re half asleep in the middle of the night?!). So my husband goes in to comfort him and offer a bottle of water (which of course he doesn’t want). My little one settles, but starts crying again as soon as my husband leaves. Sometimes he settle on his own, even without my husband going in, and sometimes he is crying on and off for up to 2 hours! Have any of you attempted to wean off feeding in the night yet?

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            • Hi Andrea!

              I haven’t started the night weaning process, mostly because my little one doesn’t have set wakings yet. Sometimes she will go down at 7pm and stay down until 2am or 3am, but sometimes she wakes around 9pm with a feeding request. And sometimes she stirs around 8pm, but she goes back down by herself within 5 minutes. I’m trying to figure out if it’s just a math situation – as in the nights when she wants a 9pm feeding, she’s not getting enough ounces during the day. So I’m trying to increase her bottle intake during the day while at daycare.

              So I don’t have any words of wisdom yet, except, I did want to mention that I have found that dream feeds do not actually help my little one. It actually tends to create more wake-ups. Two nights ago I did a 9pm dream feed (with a 5 oz bottle, which I thought would potentially get her through the whole night), and to my surprise she woke up again at 12, again at 2 and then wake up at 5:30. Last night I just tried to get her to eat as much as possible before 7pm bed, no dream feed, and she slept all the way until 2am. and then again until 5:45 for wake up. In general I try to do bottles at night because she’ll drink more that way rather than just use the boob for comfort.

              Also, I had one idea for you. I’ve started pumping before bed (ugh – the last thing I want to do when I’m super tired), but I was thinking you could try to pump before bed, and then give that bottle to your husband to use for the 2:30am wake-up. I find that when my little one just wants comfort and she doesn’t actually really need that much milk, she’ll sip the bottle for a minute, give up and go back to sleep. I wonder if going just bottle for the 2:30am wake-up might get her to figure out that it’s not a boob-feeding, and waiting until 5:30 will be more fun for her!

              Of course just an idea! From one sleep deprived mom to another 😉

              Let us know how it all goes!!

              Nicole

  17. Hello! I am looking to sleep train my 13 month old son. He normally would fall asleep drinking a bottle and rocking and we would place him in his crib sleeping and he would sometimes wake up once a night for a bottle and go right back to bed. For about a week now he will fall asleep like normal and then as soon as we are going to put him in his crib he cries bloody murder!!! Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can treat this. I am thinking of doing the CIO method but 2 out of the 3 times I have tried so far he throws up. I feel awful and had him cry for 30 minuets last night and he was just hysterical! I don’t know what approach to take and would LOVE some advice. Thanks!!

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  18. Alexis-

    Desperately in need of some advice. We just started CIO with our 14 month old daughter. We waited this long for many reasons- milk intolerance issues, teething, tummy bug, travel – every excuse in the book. But things have only gotten worse and we are to the point of utter exhaustion. To attempt at piecing together a few hours of sleep a night (for us), my daughter would start in her crib after being nursed and rocked to sleep. After about 2 hrs, she’d wake – and it would be co-sleeping from that point on. She would want to nurse 1-3 times a night (human pacifier, not hungry). Even next to me, she’d still wake frequently and move constantly. I’m not against the concept of co-sleeping, but we need sleep. I work and I travel for work occasionally. We needed to make a change for her and for us. So we have tried the extinction method, but now I’m questioning our approach since you said we shouldn’t use CIO for night weaning. Does this still apply for a 14 month old who’s not hungry, has no nutritional need to feed at night, and is only doing it to pacify herself? It’s been 4 nights and things have gotten slightly better but she’s still waking up 3 times a night and crying for up to 20 minutes at these wake ups. I feel so much guilt over the abrupt change with co-sleeping and night nursing top cold turkey crib with no intervention. MANY thanks for any help you could offer.

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  19. Hi! And Help! We’ve had great success with CIO in terms of getting our 11month old to sleep 10-11hrs with no interruptions. After two weeks we are down to 5-7 min of crying before she’s out cold. BUT!!!! we have an issue- she knows it’s coming and she screams through our whole bedtime routine. Her 7:30 bedtime and our bedtime routine has been very structured for months and months, all we did was change the bottle to the beginning of the routine instead of the end to curtail the sucking to fall asleep habit she had developed. Now baby has caught on that this routine leads to crying alone in the crib and she screams from the time her toes hit the bath, to the time her head hits the mattress( and through the lullaby and books in between). As soon as we finish dinner, a full hour before the routine even begins, she starts holding on to me for dear life. We’ve been sticking to the routine hoping it will help her adjust. We keep our tones light and soothing and plaster on those fake smiles to show her bedtime is no biggie. So good news-we are getting 8hrs of sleep a night! Bad news- the 90 min between dinner and bedtime is horribly miserable every day. Any suggestions on helping baby adapt and easing the anxiety of impending bed time? (She’s not scared of her room in particular, she’s equally pissed in all rooms of the house)

    Reply

    • Oh man, Kirsten, this sounds rough! Any progress or improvement? I have no expertise to offer as I am just starting the process tonight. I DO remember reading on another sleep site that making several changes at ONCE can actually be better, rather than changing one piece at a time. Maybe just try a totally new routine? Not sure, just a thought!

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    • 1) Most kids are fairly miserable in the hour prior to bedtime (they call it the witching hour for a reason)

      2) I would reframe this from “we’re going to abandon her in the crib because we are HEARTLESS!” to “she is not psyched for bedtime and she is EXPRESSING HERSELF!”

      OK so she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t have to like it. If she didn’t NEED it she wouldn’t go on to sleep for 10 hours. She’s anticipating what’s coming and saying “UGH NO MOOOM NO!!!!” Sure it would be great if she laughed and cooed but honestly that’s not a realistic goal. I don’t think you can help her anxiety nor do I think she has anxiety. I think she’s a toddler who doesn’t want to go to bed because bedtime sux.

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    • Hi Kirstin,
      how did you get on with this? Has your daughter started to relax more before bed? My 8 month old has started doing the same thing, as soon as hes out of the bath and it time to get dressed in pjs and so on, he starts crying. I really want him to be relaxed and calm before bed but its the total opposite!
      Jessica

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  20. Hi, just wondering how long it should take for baby to go down and only take minutes to fall asleep. Tonight was night 7 and it still took 25 minutes of screaming and writhing around, it’s breaking my heart. All of my being wants to go in and comfort her but then all this will have been for nothing. Is there some babies this simply won’t work with, should I keep going?

    Reply

    • Hi! A number of things could be causing that- how old is baby? When is baby’s last nap? When is bedtime? What is the bedtime routine? Are you doing extinction or doing checks?

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  21. Hello, our baby is 6 weeks old. Is there a minimum age for CIO? He has been falling asleep in our arms or on the boob, but generally wakes up and cries within 10 minutes of being put down in his swing or bassinet. It usually takes 3-5 times of getting him up and soothing him back to sleep before he’ll sleep a few hours. Would CIO be beneficial in this situation or should we keep doing what we have been for a couple more months? Thanks!

    Reply

    • Hi! CIO is recommended for babies at least 6 months of age. Your baby is still a young newborn, and so there are so many soothing tools/tips/tricks at your disposal. Check out the newborn section on this blog or get the book- you’ll find lots of help in helping newborns sleep. Good luck!

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  22. Hello again!
    I asked a question a week or so ago, wondering if I was messing up by taking the ‘cold turkey’ approach with my 14 mo old. I’m happy to report that things have gone quite well. She’s sleeping better than I ever thought she could! Sleep training has a believer in me! So my next question: how do I now tackle naps? They continue to be rough. I read on your site to treat naps separately and to tackle them only after nighttime is fixed. So I’m still rocking her to sleep for her nap but she fights it like crazy and I feel like I’m wrestling an alligator! The second I put her in her crib, she wakes up. Complicating the issue, is she naps in a different place during the week so it’s harder to create consistency with it here at home. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!

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  23. Thank you for this wonderful information! I am new to even being open to trying CIO- but for the sake of all of my family, we need to get on a better sleep schedule, and I have just started this approach. I did wonder, however, what to do in the middle of the night if you are NOT feeding usually at night. My daughter usually falls asleep just fine (in my arms before I put her down) but wakes up sometimes every 2 house, every 4 hours or at least once a night just to be soothed back to sleep. She even throws her body towards the rocking chair in the middle of the night if I try to get away with just rubbing her back and not picking her up. With this method, do I acknowledge her at all? Or just let her cry in the middle of the night as well? Thank you so much in advance for all of your help!

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  24. Hi! We started nighttime CIO (extinction) with our 6.5 month old son and definitely are seeing progress in his sleep! He has gone from waking up every 1-2 hrs and being rocked/ held to sleep to only waking up for his two scheduled feedings. His naps have naturally gotten better too! (With only night sleep training). We, however, are on night 12 of CIO and it is still taking him around 30 minutes of crying to fall asleep at the beginning of the night. We try to stick to suggest wake times during the day so he won’t get overtired, he has no sleep props, and we have a very consistent soothing bedtime routine. Is there something I am doing wrong?

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  25. So how would I go about CIO if my baby is still pacifier dependant? Right now we have this muddled system in which he’ll cry for 5 minutes and I’ll go into check and soothe then he either falls asleep then with a pacifier or gets for a few more minutes and sleeps. We’ve been at this for a month and it’s still not working for us.

    Thanks, M

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  26. I wanted to set some expectations here in case anyone feels their baby isn’t responding as well to CIO as other commenters here have reported – on the first night of CIO, our LO cried for 3 hours before going down the first cycle. The next time he woke up he cried for another 3. That first night was pure hell for mom and dad (and baby).

    It is night 6 and it’s gotten better and we’re still in the thick of it, but we still measure cry times in hours, and not minutes.

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    • I’m so glad to hear our baby isn’t the only one lasting HOURS! Please tell me how long it took you? How is baby sleeping now?

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      • Thank goodness our baby cried for 3hrs and we folded because we felt so bad. It’s good to hear that people were successful. I’m sure our LO will cry 4+ hrs.

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  27. Hi,
    A dad here posting some success in eliminating most night-wakings with a ‘cry it out’.

    I’ll first state that we tried ‘everything’ (mostly around Baby Whisperer, No Cry Sleep Solution). The valuable pieces we learned there were to put my son down ‘awake’ and let him ‘try’ to fall asleep on his own. At first, it didn’t work very often, but over time, it did. Between months 2-5, he would wake every 1.5 to 2 hours through the night, feed 3-4oz, and then sleep for another 1.5-2 hours. He went to sleep OK in the later months, but it was REALLY draining on Mom/Dad to get up every 1.5-2hrs.

    I (Dad) wanted to take the burden off Mom. I tried reducing bottles (a few ounces less every night). It didn’t help. I tried diluting (partly/mostly/all water) the bottle, but he still woke to “feed” on schedule (1.5-2hrs).

    We agreed early on (and with our first child… attached to Mom all night) that we would “never let our kids cry” if humanly possible. So, after some careful consideration, it was 5.5 months we decided our quality of life had degraded too much, for too long, and we weren’t providing for him (and his older sister) properly. We decided to try a form of ‘crying with 10min+ check-ins’ for 1 week, and if no signs of improvement, we’d go back to the way things were.

    So, that night, we decided to reduce his feedings to just 8PM (bedtime), 1AM and 6AM. Any other wakings we’d try the new method. So, when he woke at 9-10pm, I let him fuss/cry for 10 minutes. I went in, patted for ~30 sec while re-assuring “shhh-ing”, whispered “night night” and walked out (regardless of whether he was ‘settled’ or not– he wasn’t, and he cranked up the intensity). I set my timer for 12 minutes, went back in, repeated the pat/shh/night-night, and set my timer for 14 minutes. (I discovered patting heavily on his bottom/back temporarily caused his crying to lessen, but it obviously cranked back up when I left.) Then did again at 16 minutes.

    I did have to put the camera on ‘mute’ so I wouldn’t be tempted to run in and ‘end it’. But, I knew running in would confuse and frustrate him more. But, he never got to the 16th minute. (Overall, it had been 37 minutes of crying.) He finally slept… for 5 hours straight! When he woke up, I fed him, put him back down. When he woke shortly after, I waited 10 minutes, I did the technique again, but he fell asleep shortly after I had set my timer for 12 minutes.

    Since then, nearly every day has been an improvement, and in the rare case he wakes up through the night NOT for a feed, we never get to the 10 minutes on the timer before he’s back to sleep. Within 2 weeks (now, as I write this) he sleeps an 8 hour stretch. He feeds, then a 2-3 hour stretch, then may or may not go right into a morning nap (2-3 hours). Naptime during the day is still poor, but slowly getting better. We haven’t tried CIO at all for naps yet. We’ve moved beyond a few 30 minute naps in the afternoon to 2x 45-60 minute naps. Either his age (6mo) or better night-sleeping is helping him.

    Please don’t think your child will take only 37 mins to fall asleep, and get great results. We had perfected the ‘fall asleep’ part long before CIO. But, CIO helped us with the ‘stay asleep’ problems.

    No, the 37 mins of crying was not fun for anyone. The worst part was believeing “my kid could be different and it won’t work, and I would have wasted all those tears for nothing!” But, having relatively well-rested parents made us go from feeling 65% human to 85% human. (Our other child, a toddler, keeps us busy.) We can now give our son more QUALITY Mom/Dad time because we sleep better. And, he’s happier too, because he doesn’t wake so much through the night.

    Yes, it was worth it. I don’t regrety trying other “no-cry” options first, but glad we found something to get us across the finish line.

    Reply

  28. Interestingly, I never imagined using CIO, but fell into it because I needed to shower during the day. I noticed regardless of how upset she was when I put her down, if I put her down at the right time she would be sound asleep when I got out of the shower. Bonus, I can’t hear her cry while I’m in the shower.

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  29. ******PLEASE HELP******

    I was told to start CIO. full submersion including naps. I am on day 4 and my child is struggling with day naps. She is TERRIFIED now and I feel like I have screwed up this entire process. I just read this article about doing naps differently after bedtime has been established. She is doing much better with bedtime but day naps have been a horrible ordeal for both of us. Do I try to start rocking her to sleep for her day naps and then night time continue doing CIO??? Or continue with the total submersion?

    She is 9.5 months old… and wasn’t a horrible sleeper but her naps had started getting much shorter and she was waking up once a night. I know her sleep is vital.

    What do I do? I am heartbroken and feel like my baby girl is so confused!!!

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  30. We are about to start sleep training our 11 month old who only falls asleep with bottle or in car. Naps are subs 5-20 minutecin car because we are ALWAYS going to school and therapy for my 4 year old. My question is you mention early morning wakings between 4&5 am just plan to be up. What about the -:30 or 2:30 wakings (wide awake want to be held/soothed) ? Just let him cry ?

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  31. I keep reading about children crying for an awful 45 min to an hr. Well, my 6 month old cries for 2 or more hrs. Sleeps for an hr and than it starts all over again. We did cio full on when he was 4 months, transition from Co sleeping to bassinet. He did great. Now we moved him to his crib 3 nights ago. I haven’t slept. He screams for hrs every bedtime. And than it starts all over again after maybe an hr of peace. What gives?????

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  32. How do I handle CIO if my daughter wakes after a couple hours and cries? Do I let her cry that out too?

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  33. My daughter is 6 months old and has always slept through the night. However, recently I noticed that she started having issues and would wiggle and toss and turn constantly and no one was getting sleep. It started when her nose was congested but I got her in the habit of being rocked, held, soothed, and snacking in the middle of the night because I was so worried when she showed signs of sickness. Well great, because now I just made things worse.

    I started the CIO method and am not doing check ups but I noticed my daughter keeps crawling in the crib and pushing her head against the rails of her crib??? I keep panicking and wanting to reposition her but I’m worried she’ll think I’m the magic comfort fairy that never sleeps and just watches her all night to make sure she can safely wiggle any direction and not hurt herself. Is there a way I can keep doing the CIO method AND make sure she’s not hurting her little head? Please help I’m clueless and a new mother. Thanks!

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  34. So my 11 month old can’t fall asleep without nursing or rocking or a car ride- some sort of outside stimulus. It’s been taking an hour or 2 to get her to sleep, and putting her down drowsy but not asleep just wasn’t working. She would pop up and scream to be put to sleep.
    We started CIO with checks every 10 minutes. The first day was great and she fell asleep after only 15 minutes of crying and slept until around 5:00am when I went to check on her (she usually wakes up around 2am to nurse). I took her into our bed to nurse her and she slept for another 2 hours.
    The next night it was 30 minutes of crying and then she woke up at 3am and after I nursed her she cried for the next 2 hours until I couldn’t handle it anymore. The next night she had a big day so she fell asleep early when I was nursing her (during the first part of the routine), so I just put her in her bed. The night after that though she cried for 1.5 hours and was just standing in her crib every time I went to check on her, but I checked every 30 minutes thois time. I finally caved and picked her up and she fell right to sleep. I’m not sure if i’ve just sabotaged the whole thing. The other problem is that she was napping in her crib, but since we started the CIO she cries every time I put her in the crib for a nap. Does she hate the crib now? The nights seem to be getting worse and not better, so we are thinking we should try another method after trying for 5 nights.

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  35. I hope I don’t scare anyone from the full extinction method, but I could use some advice. Last night was night 1 for full extinction and DD cried intermittently for 5 hours while alternately falling asleep standing and leaning on the crib rail we finally went in at 12:30 and she had pooped. My wife gave in and rocked her to sleep in about 5 mins (after changing her diaper) so she never really put herself to sleep. We feel like it was a failure. What should we do? Should we stick it out and try again? Should we try the check and console approach?

    Note: We carefully read and followed all the steps above. We made sure our 14 m/o daughter took good naps during the day (we even drove around in the car for 2 hours just to ensure she would sleep. We’ve followed our long established bedtime routine at 7:00 (minus the rocking her to sleep part, of course).

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  36. With the CIO full extinction method, I’m not ready to give up both (2) night feeds, but in the last two nights, sweet lg has slept through the time of her normal 1am-ish feed but woke for her 4am-ish. I picked her up before crying, just as she was starting to grumble a bit. (We room-share; she’s in her own crib a few feet away from my side of the bed.) Then she slept after nursing till 7am when I woke her up for the day!

    Should I let baby lead the way with night feeds, or set an alarm for at least one night feed around her normal time, like 3:45am/4am? I don’t want to risk my milk supply dropping, nor do I want to stress my sweetie beyond these first few nights of sleep training.

    Reply

    • Hi! How old is your LO? I would say definitely let her lead the way, unless your pediatrician is concerned about weight gain and needs her to feed more. as for supply, if you want, you can just pump perhaps before you go to bed to keep your supply up. otherwise, I think your supply will regulate itself and it will be fine. Once my LO started skipping feeds, I didn’t bother with it. Good luck!

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  37. Somebody? Anyone? I just need some moral support. I’m totally freaking out about my son’s sleep and I know I’m not alone in this.

    My son just turned 5 months on Sunday, Father’s Day. Sleep has been up and down for him since birth, but when sleep was bad, it never lasted longer than 3-4 days. However, for the last two weeks, his sleep has been progressively getting worse and worse with waking up every 2-3 hours. 4-month sleep regression? Growth spurt? Teething? All of the above? Then a couple of days ago when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it got worse–he was waking up every 1-2 hours. Last night, I had to nurse and then bounce him for an hour to get him to sleep at midnight and then he only slept for two more hours. It was awful.

    Early on, my husband and I knew we were going to have to sleep train him eventually. Our doctor said we should wait until he was 5 months. Now that he’s 5 months, we’re ready (well as ready as we’ll ever be), but of course he has a cold now! If his stuffy nose goes away by Saturday, that’s when we’ll begin SLIP (CIO). Otherwise, we’ll have to postpone until the following weekend. I want to do full extinction, but my husband is leaning towards some check-ins. We’ll obviously have to agree on just one approach before we start…

    I’ve read Precious Little Sleep, cover-to-cover. My husband has read most of it too. Alexis, I’m so thankful we found your book and your blog. I’ve read the SLIP section and various blogs posts so many times. I just don’t want to mess up!

    After all that rambling, here’s my question. Our son is still swaddled and isn’t quite ready to drop the swaddle yet. I’ve tried a couple of transition sleep suits (Merlin Magic Sleep Suit and Zipadee Zip) but he still startles himself awake in them. SO, I want to keep him swaddled for the beginning of sleep training. Once he’s falling asleep independently, I was planning on transitioning him out of his swaddle. Do you think this is a good plan? He hasn’t flipped from his back to his stomach yet and has only flipped from his stomach to his back a few times.

    Reply

    • Hi! I believe that Alexis states somewhere in the book that swaddling while doing SLIP is fine as long as baby is NOT rolling over in swaddle AND as long as you have a video monitor so you can watch baby to make sure he doesn’t flip over while trying to fall asleep. Good luck!

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      • Thanks so much Sam! I’ve noticed you respond quickly and often on this section of comments. I’m so thankful for that since I’m sure Alexis doesn’t have the time to respond to all of her emails from frantic parents AND comments.

        Anyway, I have read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT in this section like a crazy lady to prepare myself for night one of SLIP, full extinction tonight. My little guy had a cold so the doc told us to hold off on CIO until he felt better. He still has a bit of a cough, but at least his nose is mostly clear. He’ll be 6 months old in 11 days so the time has come because his sleep in June and July so far has been dreadful. When reading all of the comments, I have found the comments with updates to be the most helpful. Not only will it help with troubleshooting in the middle of the night, but it has also filled me with confidence. My husband and I are so nervous, but we are both ready. We’ve both read PLS, talked about our plan, talked through some “what ifs”… we got this (we hope).

        Reply

        • omg GOOD LUCK! you guys can do it, and so can your son! It’s hard, but once you all have mastered this, it will be soooo worth it! I love having our evenings to ourselves once the kids are put to bed. And it’s so beneficial for the babies/kids to get enough sleep so they can be in a good mood and hopefully some less tantrums to deal with hehe. Good luck, keep us posted!

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          • Sam, thanks so much for the encouragement, but we need HELP so I hope you are able to reply to this soon…

            Alexis, my husband and I each bought a copy of your book, read EVERY section of your blog and listened to all of your podcasts. We’ve done our best to prepare ourselves, but we really struggled for our first night and are so overcome with even more nerves. Please HELP!

            Of course we knew last night would be terrible, but we didn’t know it would be worse than terrible. Before putting our son to sleep, my husband and I made a plan. The unsustainable sleep association we wanted to break our almost-6-month boy of was rocking/bouncing/walking/holding to sleep so we said absolutely none of that tonight! He’s been eating twice a night, so we figured that was reasonable so we wouldn’t give him his first feed until after 4 hours have passed since his bedtime and after that feed, we would wait at least 3 more hours before his second feed. We also predicted he would cry for an hour and a half, but since we committed to full extinction SLIP, we were willing to continue until he fell asleep. No checks, no falling back into bad habits…

            Alexis, you state in your book on page 129, “Although extremely rare, there are babies who will complain for hours.” In regards this “extremely rare” kind of baby, a previous comment on your blog comes to mind. A mom said after 3 hours of crying, she caved in. Alexis you responded by saying, “You don’t want to start CIO unless you’re fully prepared to commit to ‘as long as is necessary.” So, we committed to that prior to bedtime, but reassuring ourselves that it’s highly unlikely for our baby to cry that long. (silly us!)

            I nursed him at 6:45. Then at 7 I started our routine of diaper change, jammies, books, lullaby, sleep sack/swaddle. I kissed him and told him it was time for sleep and laid him in his crib at exactly 7:24. Then turned off the lights, turned on the fan and the white noise and walked right out of his room. This is how his night went:

            7:30 – broke out of swaddle and starting crying
            9:00 – still crying, but there are short 1-2 second breaks between crying (we started feeling hopeful)
            9:30 – still the same kind of crying (we are starting to lose faith)
            9:45 – drifted off to sleep for 2 min and then BAM, arms jerk and he wakes up crying
            10:30 – has drifted off to sleep seven times since 9:45 for a minute or two, but his arms have been jerking and he wakes up crying again (we lost hope here and but didn’t cave and just kept watching the monitor in horror)
            10:38 – he’s fallen silent, sucking his hands and continues to drift off for 1-2 minutes and waking back up, but doesn’t cry anymore
            11:01 – falls asleep
            12:32 – wakes up crying and I go in to nurse him (since it’s been 6 hours since his bedtime feed)
            12:57 – falls asleep while nursing so I laid him in the crib and he stays asleep
            3:12 – wakes up crying (WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO HERE!) Only about 2.5 hours have passed since his last feed so we decided to ignore him in hopes of him crying back asleep.
            4:05 – still crying and worried it’s so close to dawn and he’s also due for his second feed, so I go in and nurse him
            4:19 – falls asleep while nursing so I laid him in the crib and he stays asleep
            6:10 – I wake up to hear him making a little noise, but he’s mostly quiet with his eyes wide open. I pick him up and he’s all smiles (HOW?? He only slept a TOTAL of 5.5 hours??)

            It took 3 HOURS and 37 MINUTES for my baby to fall asleep. It was over 3 hours of crying. I realize this isn’t the norm, but was all in the realm of possibility. My husband and I committed to this, because we couldn’t rock/bounce/walk/hold him every 45 minutes throughout the night anymore. So, we know we have to stick it out for at least a week to hopefully see improvement. Like all other people embarking on CIO, we were secretly hoping our baby could maybe, just maybe be the surprise!-I’m-asleep-and-it’s-only-been-30-minutes kind of baby. But to fall on the opposite end of the spectrum??

            I’m trying to be positive… even though it took what seemed like forever, he eventually fell asleep by himself without rocking/bouncing/walking/holding. This was our very first night since he was born that we didn’t have to rock/bounce/walk/hold him to sleep. Also, even though our baby only slept 5.5 hours last night, he still was happy and safe when he woke up this morning.

            I still feel like crying every other minute though. Parenting is so tough.

            QUESTIONS
            1. How should I have handled his wakeup at 3:12? In hindsight, I probably should have fed him within 5-10 minutes since 2.5 hours had passed since his last feeding, rather than allowing 45 minutes to pass and then feeding him. Thoughts?

            2. We are going to SLIP (see Alexis? I’m trying to avoid the phrase CIO too!) again tonight. I know he is likely to do better, but what if it takes another 3-4 hours of crying before he sleeps??? I’m assuming to keep at it for “as long as is necessary”?

            I know it was only one night, but I need to know that my husband and I are going in the right direction…

            Reply

            • Omg I’m sooooo sorry that you had a terrible first night with SLIP. I am really reallly hoping tonight is a breeze.

              It sounds like his startling is keeping him awake. Any way to guarantee he stays swaddled or just go cold turkey and stop? Or use a transition swaddle like the Merlin suit or zipadee?

              Yes, if ur gonna feed him, feed him within 10 min.
              And stay committed. Last night was the hardest, it should get better from here on out. GOOD LUCK!!!

          • I forgot to mention, our little guy has been rocking back and forth on his sides and we were starting to worry that he could flip onto his tummy at any point now–especially when he’s angrily thrashing and kicking his legs at bedtime, so we are just going to swaddle his chest and leave his arms out. I don’t think we have any other choice because of safety reasons.

            Reply

  38. Hi Mai,
    I must say, I’m dying for the next chapter of this story. SO impressed by your determination and grit – sure seems like your little one inherited some of that:-)

    Reply

    • So I’m working with Mai now and…it’s complicated. But I’ll say this:

      – Kids have a range of sleep needs (some high, some low) and you need to meet them where they ARE vs. where you might LIKE them to be

      – Consistency is key for all kids and EXTRA key for some

      – Extinction bursts are no joke

      Reply

  39. My daughter is 4 months old. She has given us numerous “through the night” nights. 11-12 hours!! She will wake most times though just once, could be at 12:30, could be at 2, could be at 3:30 to eat. Sometimes she will take the full 5oz bottle, other times only 3 or 4. My question is, can we do CIO now when she wakes up and eliminate this bottle?? She has proven to us multiple times that she CAN sleep through the night.

    Reply

  40. All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children release stress, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep. BUT you can’t leave children alone with tears the more at night …. Every cry leaves a trace! I recommend to you dear parents, for a change, exchange three CIO letters for HWL! Surely those of you who have been dealing with guides from Susan Urban will support my opinion.

    Reply

    • I used one guide from Susan \how to teach a baby to fall asleep alone\ and I’m very happy. After applying her advice for 8 days in a row my baby began to sleep all night. Sometimes there were night awakenings, but it was because of the growing teeth. I highly recommend it, big help for a small price. I have recovered my bed and my little son sleeps alone in his crib <3

      Reply

  41. Hi! We’re on night two of CIO with our second boy. He’s about to turn 16 months. Up until a few weeks ago he was good just being put down in the crib after a bottle and getting himself to sleep. He’d wake up between 5 – 6, so less than ideal, but he’d sleep through.

    A few weeks ago we hit a bumpy patch of teething, being on vacation, and what I would imagine is a sleep regression. He wouldn’t fall asleep without one of us having a hand on his chest, and he slept with us two nights on vacation. He’s been sick the last week and started amoxicillin Thursday. Confident it wasn’t a pain issue, we started training last night (Saturday).

    Poor guy was up, crying from 8ish – 12ish and then was up again at 4:30 and crying until 6:30 (when we got him up). We went in at increasingly longer intervals last night, but they just seemed to piss him off when we turned to leave again. So we’re going without visits now and going forward. But we wanted to see if anyone else has had experience with multi-hour cry sessions. Even though he’s dead tired (he had a 45 minute nap when he first got up and then 2 hours midday), I’m worried he’s going to have another night and just be a complete wreck at daycare tomorrow.

    Thanks!

    Reply

    • We’re started cio with out 11 month old, she only cries 20 mins going down for the night but then wakes up sometime during the night and can’t settle back down. We’re also cio for night wakings but she just keeps going. Last night she woke up 11pm and cried until 2am when we finally broke and put her in our bed but she wouldn’t settle there either so back to her crib after an hour of trying and finally asleep at 3:30am, she then woke up for the day 6am. I know your comment is old but were you able to sleep train and what was the longest they cried?

      Reply

  42. Hi Alexies.. I have twin babies and 9 months old now.. as one wakes up, 2nd one wakes up.. both are waking up almost every hour throught night.. I am wondering if i apply CIO for one baby at a time or both together??

    Reply

  43. Middle of the night…. My son continues to wake up in the middle of the night. I’ve been trying to let him cry it out but I’m not sure I can anymore… tonight I let him go for 40 minutes before I eventually went it. I didn’t pick him up,just laid him back down and stood over his bed. Please help me!!

    Reply

  44. Something wasn’t clear to me in the article about co-sleepers. I’m sleep training my 11 month old, previously co-sleeping with us. You mentioned not to mess with naps while night training, but not to include any of the sleep association habits we want to change during naps. Baby only takes 15-30 min naps right now when I place him in his crib. Should I go back to co sleeping for naps u til he’s night trained?

    Reply

  45. Hi, thank you so much for this article! We’ve been struggling with our 5,5 months old baby boy’s sleep for a while now and since we were miserable after so many sleepless nights, we decided to try a full extinsion. We tried Ferber, but unsuccessfully as our baby would get more upset with frequent checkings.
    So, we are now on the night #4. The 1st night he cried for 30 mins, 3nd night about 10, 3rd night no crying! However, the 4th night he cried again for 30 mins! What gives?? Are we going backwards?
    My 2nd question is about feedings. He usually feeds about 6 or 7 hours after his bedtime. And 3 hours after that. This 1st feed he goes back to sleep easily after, but the 2nd one not really. So sometimes its around 5 or 6 am, but he is very sleepy after. Do we feed him and let him CIO after? Not sure what to do here as this is morning already. Thanks!

    Reply

  46. I will be forever grateful that stumbled upon this summary of your method! At 13 months my baby got sick, has 4 teeth cutting through and was generally more busy and assertive, and with that our incredible little sleeper, (we were really consistent with a good evening routine right from day one and he started to sleep right through from about 8 weeks), suddenly started waking up at night. I tried what I thought was the gentler approach as in my mind I thought leaving him to cry it out was borderline-abusive, and we thought if we did it our baby would hate us the next day, but I soon discovered that I was actually making it worse by going in and trying to settle him. It seemed like it became a game for him of “let’s see how many times I can get her to come into my room tonight!” My husband and I were desperate after only 3 weeks of this and that’s when I came across his article and decided to give it a try. The first night he cried for Max 20 minutes, and we both found it a lot less stressful than the previous approach. I could hear when the rhythmic rooting cry was kicking in and at that point we knew it was almost over. It’s been 4 nights since and he woke up and cried for 5 minutes and then settled last night. And much to our delight he doesn’t hate us! I am feeling rested and rejuvenated again and cannot thank you enough for your pearls of wisdom! I feel like every sleep-deprived parent owes it to themselves and their baby to try this approach, as teaching them how to sleep and self-sooth is surely an invaluable skill.

    Reply

  47. CIO struggles – hi thank you in advance for any help!

    We have been doing CIO since Jan 25 and I’ve only brought him into my bed maybe once or twice in that period – once for teething and once because he was just not settling and we were moving, so he had an off day. He is very inconsistent – some nights he won’t cry at all and then other night he will cry up to 40 mins. He started to feed only once at night but now is back to twice. I’ve been holding him for naps. He is almost 8 months old. Could the fact he is not nap trained be impacting nights? He usually naps trice for 1.25 hrs and then last nap for 30 or so minutes.

    Reply

  48. Night time has always been super easy for us (praise God) but I struggle with naps. Sometimes he wants to nap 30 mins a day and screams every time you put him down and some days he takes two good 2 hour naps he is almost 8 months old

    Reply

  49. Thank you so much for this. We just reached this mooing with my 14 month old (1 year adjusted). We are doing what you said and it helps me to feel like I’m doing this right even though it’s hard. So many people have pushed us to more “gentle” methods but they just haven’t worked. We are into night two and already down to 20 min or less of crying.

    Reply

  50. Hello,
    We have a little guy who is 8 months old and a tummy sleeper. He had terrible reflux and GERD early on and got used to sleeping upright on Mom. Then Croup a few times, before and after the first and second time he was sleep trained. Now we are trying again.
    The first night we put him down at 7:45pm he slept after 30 minutes but woke at 10:20 and cry/whined for 4 hours, while sitting up. I waited and hour and tried to settle him to laying down but that caused a night nursing battle and the inability to put him back down. He kept falling asleep and head bobbing crying but could not lay down properly. (The first time he went to sleep was face down with one leg forward and one leg back. We gently settled him.) . It was torture watching him head bob and whine. Finally I got Dad to go in to help him to sleep, laying him down already asleep. We all slept until 6:15am, our usual wake up time.
    How do I handle the little guy not being able to lay down in a comfortable position. It seems like sleep torture!! Wish us luck on night #2!!

    I loved the book! I read it from cover to cover and felt well prepared, just not for sleep sitting night torture!

    Reply

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Alexis Dubief Author

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