I originally wrote this post in 2011. Suffice it to say my thinking on the subject has changed radically. I know more today than I did then. One thing I know is that the term cry it out is terrible, pejorative, and vague. But I’m leaving it here because people find this article Googling the term so its a helpful marker for searching parents.
At it’s most basic, cry it out is one approach to achieve independent sleep. Leaning to fall asleep independently is foundational to good sleep. You can put off independent sleep, or convince yourself that the root issue is teething or a growth spurt, but at the end of the day this is the bridge that all families need to cross.
It is the tool of last resort. Nobody comes home from the hospital with their precious new baby thinking, “A year from now we’re going to let you cry and we’ll all feel terrible about it. Welcome home baby!” They try lots of other approaches and many will find success with those other approaches! And some won’t and they’ll eventually get ground down into a sleep-deprived pulp before settling on cry it out as a sleep strategy.
Which begs the question, is there such a thing as too young to cry it out?
Right Tool for the Job
Newborns are generally crappy sleepers for three primary reasons.
- They are highly disregulated which means they cry a lot, are noisy, grunty, and gassy when they do sleep. And they generally need immense amounts of soothing to successfully fall and stay asleep.
- Newborns do not have a fully developed circadian rhythm so they essentially nap around the clock. Thus it is normal and developmentally appropriate for your newborn to be awake for 2 hours during the middle of the night then take a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day.
- Newborns eat frequently and are often messy so feedings may entail pooping, spitting up, full pajama changes, etc. Thus middle of the night feedings can become a long and messy process leaving everybody wide awake and unhappy about it.
Independent sleep does not solve these issues.
Let me repeat that because you’re tired and probably scanning this on your phone at 4 am.
Independent sleep does not solve these issues.
Thus if you’re looking at your 2 month old thinking that sleep training is the solution to your non-sleeping woes the answer is generally, no. Time, soothing, and often taking turns with your partner at 2 am is your best path forward.
What Does Too Young Mean?
There is a pervasive belief that there is an age at which children are developmentally incapable of falling asleep without parental assistance. And anyone attempting independent sleep prior to this magical age is a parental monstrosity. But experience suggests some very young babies are capable of falling asleep entirely on their own. Those of you who spend hours a day nursing, rocking, feeding, bouncing, or shushing kiddos who resolutely will not sleep without this are likely giving me the digital side-eye right now.
The short answer is, there is no exact age at which we know for sure babies are capable of falling asleep independently. But overwhelming experience suggests that a) it’s fairly young and b) it’s generally much sooner than we think. Which begs the question…
When Should You Teach Your Child Independent Sleep?
But the answer to when is, “As soon as you reasonably can.” Ideally you establish independent sleep before it’s a problem – so around 3-4 months of age. There are multiple approaches to independent sleep that can work particularly well for younger babies (I wrote a whole book about them) and I highly recommend experimenting with some gradual tactics. It’s never easy but it definitely doesn’t get easier as they get older.
Whenever your child falls asleep a certain way you are teaching them this is how we sleep. The more you do it one way the deeper that groove becomes. Does this mean you need to make independent sleep a top priority the second you come home with your newborn infant? Of course not! But generally earlier is better. You have more tools, more tactics, and the flexibility to experiment with different approaches without courting the ire of the Goddess of Consistency.
But … Tears?
Possibly. Babies, especially younger babies, cry a lot and getting them to do anything (diaper change, into car seats, etc.) without any tears can be a challenge. They may cry while you are actively working to soothe them to sleep. They may need to blow off some steam in order to fall asleep at all. So it’s very likely that there will be some tears involved with helping your younger baby fall asleep no matter what you do.
The answer to when for tears as a committed approach to independent sleep at bedtime is highly variable. The real answer is, “I trust you to make the right decision for your family.” Generally this happens when all other attempts have failed and sleep is an utter disaster, so commonly around 6 months. I don’t say this as a hard line, however, but more of a general guideline for consideration. For some it might be closer to 4 months. For others, far later. And for some the answer is “it won’t matter because you’ll find success with a different path.”
All Roads Lead to Rome
Fostering healthy sleep for our children means establishing independent sleep. There are many paths to achieving independent sleep and it can happen when kids are younger or older. But, unlike the eating last hot dog at the mini mart, you can’t skip this.
If your child, at any age, is not sleeping check out the book, identify what’s working for you (schedule, positive sleep associations, etc.) and what isn’t. Formulate a plan to set your kiddo up for success. Consider joining the Facebook group for troubleshooting and support. Maybe cry it out is the answer and maybe it isn’t. But this is your best path to set yourself up for success. And know that whatever you decide to do, I’m rooting for you.
As usual, thank you for an engaging, funny and informative post! I think I am in one of the situations where we’ve exhausted all other options and are going to CIO. My daughter, however, is only 4 months… exactly. My fantastic pedi (whom I believe you know and love) suggested it and thinks she is ready. He suggested to let her cry for 3 hours, then feed/soothe, 3 hours, feed/soothe, etc. I don’t expect her to sleep for 10 hours every night, or even for 6 hours every night… just a good 3 or 4 hour stretch would be a delight!!!
Jackie – I hope it’s OK but I’m going to share what happened last night (I know because we’ve been emailing 😉 because I bet LOTS of people will want to know.
She ended up putting her baby in the swing, awake, and baby cried for 40 minutes but then slept 6 hours. As you know I’m a big proponent of the swing and I think that what might have been a pretty rough CIO (because she is young and has tummy issues) was relatively mild because the swing helped. I’m really hopeful that tonight will be even better 🙂
Another question for you… My little girl doesn’t sleep on her own at night OR for naps. (Oh yes, there is a lot of rocking/bouncing/shushing/baby-wearing in our house!) Regarding CIO, pedi said to tackle nighttime first then naps. Will rocking her during naps undo any progress that we made by doing CIO at night? That would be awful!
CIO and naps can be a tough thing – babies fight naps more easily which can result in a big crying mess and NO sleep. Also? Our different part of our brains manage day and night sleep. So it’s OK to sleep one place during the day and a different place at night. I totally agree with the pediatrician, tackle night time first and then work on day sleep.
CIO is really horrible but we (my wife & I) do it. I have this very sinking feeling that, in ten years, the American Academy of Pediatrics is going to opine that CIO is detrimental to babies, confirming that I’m an a**hole.
Surprise, almost 10 years later and studies suggest that the CIO method does not cause any mental issues in children, and pediatricians still suggest it. I have a 12 year old and a 5 month old. We are going to start CIO with our 5 month old tonight.
Also, you aren’t an asshole. 🙂
Not sure where to post this question: how old are babies before it’s safe to put a pillow and blanket in their crib? One sleep consultant I know has stated that a pillow and blanket are not safe or useful until a baby is two.
Personally I’m also in the no pillows or blanket till 2 camp.
1) They can (in extremely RARE instances) pose a heath risk.
2) They aren’t needed.
3) They can interfere with sleep. Toddlers get tangled up in them and then will wake up because they are “stuck.” Or they’ll get angry, throw them OUT of bed and then scream till you come in to fix it.
4) There is no upside. It’s not like your kid will sleep better with pillow/blanket.
So lots of potential downside, no upside.
My mother believes strongly that a baby is like a little human and if big humans like us need pillow and blanket, then so does the little human. I will resist going into other generational gaps that occur in my family. But, I love my mom, I do!
Thanks for sharing this thoughts and facts ideas in handling a baby. Not so sure about it because I’m still single right now! Looking forward to have a partner. Really this is post will help me for the next step of mine in my carrier.
Hey – you can always bookmark for future reference! Thanks for checking in Vernon 🙂
i think it depends on the babys personality, too. I have a son and a daughter. As my son was a baby, he always fell into sleep in a couple of minutes and than he was sleeping 6hours or more. My daughter was totally the opposite of him. It was always a hard thing to get her asleep, and if it happened, she woke up every hour. I think there isn’t one recipe for all children.
I agree. Sort of. What I’ve noticed having been around the baby sleep block more than a few times is that most babies are actually pretty similar. There is the occasional outlier and certainly some babies are harder/easier. But when it comes to sleep there are some core things that work and common mistakes that won’t. So while the way your babies (when they WERE babies) responded to naps and night sleep might have varied, the way you help them sleep better is actually pretty consistent.
Thanks for visiting Cindy!
Getting my 4-month-old to fall asleep isn’t hard, and transferring to the crib isn’t hard either – the problem is that, unless myself or her father hold her, she wakes up after only 30-45 minutes of sleep in her crib. Every. Time. With one of us, she’ll sleep 3-4 hours with no other help other than being on/next to us. We’re considering CIO simply because I am going back to work soon and can’t keep ‘cosleeping out of desperation’ (hubby currently sleeps on his own) but I wonder if there’s something else we can try to just help her *stay* asleep…
I should mention I typoed my email on the last post. 2:00 AM will do that. Reply email is correct.
Getting out of co-sleeping without tears is really hard. Which is why I generally don’t recommend co-sleeping. Which has somehow led people to believe I’m anti-cosleeping. Which I’m not! If you like it I like it! I think I just hear from too many people who are doing it out of desperation, can’t get out of it, end up doing CIO and feeling like they’ve just failed some really important parenting test 🙁
Also? When one person is kicked out of the bed to make co-sleeping work then co-sleeping ISN’T working:
http://www.troublesometots.com/when-cosleeping-means-nosleeping/
Well my suggestion is to try the swing. It provides more soothing than just a flat non moving crib. Use loud white noise, possibly a swaddle (although she is a bit old). Basically co-sleeping is really soothing for her. You’re taking that away so you need to think about what you can replace it with (that doesn’t involve your husband on the couch). Check the article below for hints on how to make it work.
This is just a transition spot on your way TOO the crib – so don’t look at it as a step back. It’s a temporary way point on the path to crib sleeping.
I totally agree! My baby girl was born at 25 weeks she spent 85 days in NICU. When we brought her home we co-slept and kicked hubby out of bed cas he snored a lot and loud lol. Today was our first day of CIO method and it’s hard to hear my baby cry but I know it’s for the best for both of us to get proper good night sleep. we used CIO with my first child and after day or so she finally got used to it’s hoping n praying same for this little one.
When my baby was 0-4 months I was e-mailing Alexis often about sleep problems. My baby (Khymera) is now 6 months and she has been sleeping through the night for about 2-3 weeks thanks to CIO. She started sleeping in her crib when she was about 4 months. At first I would feed and/or rock her to sleep for about 10 minutes, and then I would put her down in her crib swaddled and have white noise on. About a month ago (when Khymera was 5 months old) we stopped swaddling her, but I would still feed her to sleep. A week later we started CIO for night time only, and with in a week she was sleeping longer and with in another week she was sleeping through the night. This week we started CIO for naps, and it has worked great so far. Every morning she wakes up between 6:30 & 7:00a.m I feed her BM then daddy feeds her some veggies and they have play time. Around 8:45a.m I feed her again and then before she falls asleep I lay her down in her crib (still use white noise). From 9:00 to 10:00 she stays in her crib, even if she’s not asleep and crying. The first day she cried for thirty minutes and then slept for an hour. I lay her down about the same time every day. 9:00, 12:00p.m, and 3:00p.m. This has been working pretty well so far and she has been getting longer naps, and sleeping great at night.
OOH, and she always has a bath at 6:00p.m then after is bedtime. I know it seems early, but when she goes to bed later she wakes up earlier…
I could probably write a book about her sleep problems and what helped her & what didn’t lol. I’ll stick to ^^^ that above and THANKS so much to Alexis for the advice she gave us during those first few months C:
Congratulations on your baby sleep success! And really the take-away is that no matter HOW rough things are at first, eventually you muddle through and find yourself on the other side of the tunnel with a sleeping baby. And really, once they start sleeping everything gets easier, right?
This is the cycle of babies.
Phase #1 – OMG this is so hard & I’ll never sleep again & if I have to carry this baby one more minute my back will break. Literally break!
Phase #2 – Finally we have achieved sleep! We are the best parents ever! Maybe we should write a parenting book to share all our wonderous knowledge with others?
Phase #3 – Hey, we’re pregnant again!!!
Phase #4 – Go back to Phase #1
😉
Haha yes you are very right, as usual C: I love the “phases”. Phase #1 is most definitely how we felt for awhile. Not quit to phase 3, yet C:
Wait till baby is 2. That seems to be a popular age for “we’re pregnant again” to start happening 😉
I was browsing through your stuff, just to freshen my memory because we now have a 5 month old baby boy ☺! (I saw my old post, lol. It’s kind of funny to read, hehe) I still use all this advice and its just amazing. Thank you!
Baby #3 is 5 months today and seems to be the one that doesn’t fit the mold. From day 1 she’s liked to sleep near mom or dad or be held. First night in the hospital she wouldn’t sleep unless one of us was holding her. We used the bedside arms reach co-sleeper for the first 3 months with no real issues, then moved her to the crib. Lately she’s been waking up several times during the night we pick her up and soothe her then put her back down. Shes up again a few hours later, sometimes sooner. We have tried not picking her but just touching her and getting close to soothe her, and we don’t rush right in when she cries. At some point during the night she just is so happy talking and having a good time. We swaddle her up nice and tight. She goes down really easy at bed time, just doesn’t stay more than a few hrs. Naps are in the crib with no issues. We ended up with CIO for her older sister but I am not sure its right for this one. She doesn’t even like to be left alone for a few minutes in a room. She likes to be around people and see them. Im just at a loss right now. What do we do at night?
Are do you get her to fall asleep at bedtime? My guess is that there might be something going on there (are you putting her down awake or rocking/nursing to sleep first)?
http://www.troublesometots.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/
It’s long but definitely read the whole thing as I suspect therein lies the problem.
What happens when she wakes up at night and is happily hanging out? BTW – happy and hanging out is FINE. You can’t make her sleep. If it’s 2:00 AM and she is safely hanging out in her crib GREAT! If it’s 2:00 AM and she won’t go back to sleep until you go in and rub her back so she falls back asleep – not so great.
Hi,my baby girl is 5.5 MO, we’re putting her to bed with help of rocking/singing/swaying,lately i’ve been trying to put her down before she falls asleep in my arms,when her eyes are heavy..as soon as she finds herself in her crib,she seats up,starting to move around,crawling to the top..i leave the room and i come back when she’s pushing her head to the frame,at this point (10-15 m later)she’s already frustrated..i pick her up,it takes me longer to settle her,and again i start the whole thing again,it takes around 3 times of picking her up,around 40 m…
honestly,i’m not sure how to tackle this”teaching”my baby to sooth herself,i feel that she’s ready though.
oh and she’s great sleeper during night!!:)
can you give some tips where to start? should i drop the rocking/swaying/singing lullaby before bedtime? she’s used to it by now..
thanks. vered
Hi – so my thought about babies being too young at 4 months…I used to think this. However, my twins have been sleeping 10-11 hours a night for two months and they are 4 months now. They were swaddled and loved it. Now, unfortunately, they break out of it and can roll over….so we have had to transition. And yep. We CIO. They usually do not cry done longer than half hour at most. But, we need to do it or they won’t fall sleep. And because they have been sleeping through the night for so long, I know that it is just the swaddle transition. The first couple nights one cried off and on, next night, I once, and or for the past two nights, she had to CIO to sleep ut slept 11 hours. The other twin went from 7-3am…woke up crying. We soothed her for a bit, then moved her to the other “station” (ie pack n play in different room) and she cried for a half hour then went back to sleep. So, it’s works g for us.
Sorry for the iPad typos : )
Well here is our situation: From literally a few hours after he was born, my son was fussy, wouldn’t settle, feeding constantly. The nurses offered to take him from me at 3am on the day he was born because he would not settle. 2 weeks later, we have a diagnosis of silent reflux. Baby has rarely ever slept anywhere except on us.. did not like a swing, pram or car. Of course, I didn’t blame him. He was in pain. So while we were trying to figure this out, I would wear him all day, and hold him in my arms all night. All this while I have a high-needs 3 year old boy too.
3 months later.. I have barely hugged my husband since he was born, I can’t play much with my son because of limited movement while having him in the wrap, my back is aching,and my son isn’t even sleeping particularly well. He is however, a lot better, his reflux is now temporarily gone thanks to medication. I am literally at my wits end and need him in his own bed.
I absolutely 100% do not want to let my baby cry. I don’t believe it ‘teaches’ a 3 month old baby anything. I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want him to go through that. Since he was 5 DAYS OLD, so called baby ‘experts’ and professionals have been telling me to let him cry it out. I couldn’t bear to.
However this weekend, we are going to attempt to get him in his bed (and keep him there?)I have to keep telling myself, he will cry a bit. He cries sometimes for a good 5-10 minutes even when we wear him and he’s going to sleep. He will be crying hard and then suddenly falls asleep. I think its how he winds down.
Our plan is to put him in his bed when he is tired, turn on some white noise, and leave the room. If he starts crying (mild to moderate) we will leave him for 2 minutes only to see if he stops. If it continues, we will pick him up and comfort him, then try again, and keep repeating. If he is crying hard, I will not even let him stay on his own. I do need him to sleep on his own, but I will only allow it to happen at both mine and my baby’s comfort levels. I don’t believe in teaching them they should be alone, cry, and that I’m not there for him. I want to teach him to fall asleep, but know that I’m always there for him while that’s happening.
http://www.troublesometots.com/the-ultimate-baby-swing-sleep-guide-for-swing-hating-babies/
Please read this one! I think your baby will do great in a swing. He gets motion and a bit of upright-ness for his reflux. Add white noise and a paci if he uses one and you have plenty of soothing for the transition out of your arms. Going straight from sleeping on you to a bed alone all at once is a HUGE change. It took us several months and the swing was our lifesaver during the transition.
Good luck to you and your sweet pea!
Kate,
Have I told you lately how much I love you?
Ace, Kate is totally on the money. Also?
newborn+reflux+CIO=big ugly mess
Refluxing kids often do poorly with CIO because crying aggravates the reflux. Throw in the fact that he’s a high-needs newborn and you could be looking at a hot mess.
I know you haven’t had luck with the swing but I would swaddle that kid, throw him in a swing and turn on the white noise. That’s the closest thing to how he’s been sleeping (upright, moving in the Ergo). You’ll need to work with this for a few days – it may not work well with first try because you’re literally training him to sleep in a new way. This takes a little work but is SOOO worth it.
My advice is to commit – no more ergo, work with the swing. Full stop. Give it 3-4 days consistently.
I’m SURE your back is killing you and you feel totally tapped out. It’s time to make a change. I just don’t think that CIO in the crib is going to be the change you hope for. Let us know how things go, OK?
Dear Alexis, I have some confusion about implementing the swing and establishing “transition steps” on the way to the crib (e.g. replacing boob with swing). Read basically all blog posts and not sure if I missed the answer to this (I only saw that you wrote “some crying may occur and you should let it”), but if I am trying to get my baby to sleep in the swing and he protests at first/keeps refusing to fall asleep there after many many days of trying…is then letting him cry it out in the swing until he settles actually making a “swing CIO”? If I on the other hand pick him up, after a while of purposefully leaving him there to try to self-soothe through crying, teach him that crying will get him picked up (i.e. a failed CIO attempt)?
2 days ago I was so down after yet a night of hourly wakings and brutal bed bouncing 20 mins each waking that I went for a stroller walk and let my baby CIO in there by the running river (white noise) and me shhhhig and pushing stroller forward-back. After exactly 20 mins and 3 cycles of peak crying he stopped. Stared at the trees. And fell asleep. Next day I did the same – three small rumbles. No crying. Fell asleep. Did I in effect do a “stroller CIO”? Should I thus from now on stick to it in the stroller and always let him CIO for fallig asleep in there as to not undo the progress?
My mission is to close the Breastaurant night time by eliminating the weakest factor step by step…no boob to fall asleep or soothe night time, no bouncing, no co-sleeping. If he protests the transition steps…should I let him CIO in my arms/me beside him in the transition steps or doesn’t it make sense but rather go straight to crib CIO at 6 months or beyond?
Hey Julia,
Well you can call it “stroller CIO” if you want, I would look at it another way – you gave your baby some space to figure out how to fall asleep and it worked fantastically! 20 minutes barely qualifies as “CIO” honestly so awesome job!
The issue now is that he’s in the stroller which is cool but the crib would be cooler and is more sustainable. I know people who have pushed babies around for naps IN THE SNOW because they had no option. Also I’m not clear if this was at night or during naptime but if it’s at nap, sneaking him from stroller to bed is going to lead to more night waking for you 🙁
I would now test your success out by putting him in the swing, turning it on, and walking out the door for 20 minutes. Just like you did with the stroller, give him some space and see what he can do. He may surprise you!
My baby is 4 months old. She cries at least 15 minutes before falling asleep even when I rock her (she doesnt go beyond the 2 hour wakeful window). She obviously cries a lot more when I put her down when she is drowsy. So how do I teach her to fall asleep on her own without CIO – given she is under 6 months?
Also, I have heard that it is far more difficult to teach 6 month old to sleep on her own than a 4 month old using the CIO, but you have a different opinion. I am all ears for that – since I don’t have the courage to let my baby cry to sleep.
Meera,
All I’m saying is that when a baby is 4 months old you have a lot more tools at your disposal to help put down awake. At 6+ months your tool belt is a bit empty(ier) and so you’re often only LEFT with CIO. And also a lot of people are letting newborn babies cry because they don’t really understand the bigger picture of what problem CIO solves, and what is reasonable soothing at what age.
Some babies will always cry a little before falling asleep. It may be that your baby is a little overtired (I wonder if she still cries for 15 minutes if you shift things up to say 1.5 hours?). Or it could be that she is just one of those crying babies.
This is a great time to start working on put down awake. Personally I would experiment with the 1.5 hour thing although if you already have and it didn’t get you anywhere, then skip it.
I would swaddle, loud white noise, read a book, and some gentle rocking. If she’s crying for 15 minutes WHEN you rock, how long does she cry if you skip the rocking and just put her down? What if she only cries for 20 minutes in her bed? It could be that the additional crying for “put down awake” is only slightly longer than what she’s doing anyway. I would definitely test those waters and see what happens.
If she loves the rocking a good compromise would be to use the swing for naps and crib for bedtime. You’re still working on “put down awake” but she gets the added soothing of the swing at naptime. Lots of 4 month old babies are napping in the swing. So that would be another thing to play around with.
But I’m thinking that your baby might just be one of those “I’m going to cry anyway” babies as she’s doing this even when you’re holding/rocking her. So I would start by testing the waters in the crib to see what happens. Let me know – OK?
Thanks Alexis, really appreciate your feedback! I think she has to cry a bit before sleeping..that is just the way she is which makes the “put down awake” challenging. She does nap well in the swing but not at all in the crib. At night, when put down awake in the crib, she has cried for 15 minutes and then I came to her rescue (15 minutes was I could take). I will try to see if 20 minutes is the magic number tonight. A friend of mine tried the PU/PD method and it worked for her. What are your thoughts on it?
p.s – Have I mentioned, that I love love love your blog? Being a first time mom and having no mom-friends around, your blog is my savior!
Well thank you! And also? You need to make some mom friends pronto. Do they have baby playgroups where you are? It’s not easy (I was there myself not that long ago) but having connections with other moms will really take some of the pressure and isolation out of being a new mom 🙂
Test the waters with 20-25 minutes, see what happens. PU/PD is a great thing to try. It doesn’t always work so great and often your success will depend upon your commitment vs. your baby’s commitment. If you get sucked into PU/PD for hours and hours and it devolves into an exhausted screaming match then OK, lesson learned. But if you can coax her into sleeping with 25 minutes of PU/PD that would be great!
hi alexis! my apologies in advance for the novel i am about the write.
i found your blog one night at around 4am when my son was only a few days old and to say i am now a groupie would be an understatement. as soon as the husband and i are out of the super broke, ‘mama hasn’t gone back to work yet’ phase, i plan on donating to your cause ASAP. i’ve been struggling with where to post this, but decided on here because it seems appropriate. my son will be 4 months old next week, and we used all your suggestions in the early days. the swing saved our lives, along with white noise and the miracle blanket. he has always slept much better in his own room than with us. (child is a LIGHT sleeper and we’ve got loud animals and my husband snores like a chainsaw.) for the first two months he was sleeping 5-7 hours in a row in his swing and then usually a few 2 hour chunks. though we were still sleepy new parents, it was okay and totally manageable. we were smug. i want to punch us now.
i’m not sure what happened (we think it was a combo of VERY early teeth and bad reactions to 2 month vaccines that led to a long bout with some kind of nasty flu/cold thing), but things FELL APART at 2 months. he started sleeping in 45 minute chunks and instead of growing out of it, things just… stayed like that. nothing we did worked. he completely dropped that first long stretch. if he made it to two hours we would rejoice. if he fell asleep nursing, he would wake if i tried to remove him. he was exhausted. we were exhausted. we tried the pantley method. he fought it. the swing no longer soothed him or kept him asleep, even the varisty maneuvers! and then THE SWING BROKE. (why hello, universe forcing our hand!) so we moved him to the crib, because what did it matter, it couldn’t get any worse, and it was the same. the worst part was that he no longer went right back to sleep after waking/nursing, so it was 45 minutes up, 45 minutes down. all day and all night. for a month and a half.
i kept telling myself he was too young to cry it out, that we would wait until 6 months, but my husband and i both just fell apart. i became *that* mom sobbing at the pediatrician’s office. she sympathized and said although CIO was definitely not suggested for babies under 4 months, we had kind of run out of options. if you had told me while pregnant that i would ferberize my 3 1/2 month old, i would have been offended. and i’m still not proud or even happy about it, but we did it and it took 4 days it was hard, but pretty textbook. also, it worked like a charm. we didn’t have a great sleeper, but we were at least closer to normal. he started sleeping at least one 4 hour chunk in the beginning of the night, and then every 2 hours after that. we stopped nursing right before bed to remove the association with boob/sleep and that has been hugely helpful too.
he knows how to fall asleep on his own now, and bedtime is a dream, unassisted with minimal fussing (1-2 minutes). EXCEPT. he has been regularly waking up an hour later, crying. no clue why. (no gas or poop or reflux or anything physically obvious.) i will nurse him or soothe him and wait until he he is calm and content and then i put him back down awake, and then he proceeds to scream like a wailing zombie demon for varying lenghts of time. usually about 30 minutes, but sometimes longer. it’s been two weeks and it’s not going away or getting better. it’s much worse than the first nights of CIO even. at first i thought, extinction burst, but now i’m not so sure because it doesn’t happen at bedtime. he is still so young and i am so confused. he still wakes up 4-5 times a night still so i am also kind of a crazy person. we fought so hard just to make it to this point, to get him to sleep longer than an hour at a time, and if i nurse him back to sleep he does exactly that. wakes up one hour at a time for the rest of the night like the olden days. if i let him cry, he will sleep for four hours. should i just not go back into to soothe him? although bedtime fussing is different, i have always gone to him when he wakes up crying. i am caught between a rock and a hard place.
i am so conflicted and just wish i knew what was best. if he were older it would be different. but he’s not. what would you do in this situation? did we make a huge mistake in trying to sleep train too aggressively, too young? how do people function otherwise with a kid who sleeps like that? any suggestions you could offer would be SO VERY appreaciated. thank you for all you do for parents like me. you make me laugh and feel a little more sane and i could not be more grateful for your site.
Hey Andrea,
You remind me of me a lot. I was totally confident before we had babies. In fact if I could go back in time I would punch myself in the throat. I had taken every class, read every book, and I was ready to be the paragon of motherhood, a loving responsive attached parent, because I had done all the right things and I was going to win damnit!
Fast forward to 4 months with my new baby and I was a weeping exhausted slob who barely changed out of my pajama pants to shuffle around the grocery store. My long-winded point being, it’s easy to say “I would never be a CIO parent” when the baby is sleeping happily IN YOUR TUMMY. Totally different when it’s months of relentless exhaustive misery.
I don’t know why he struggled so much at 3 months. And I hesitate to take a hard line because your kid is exactly 4 months which is almost always THE WORST TIME for growth spurts/sleep regressions. So part of this could just be the crappy 4 month growth spurt/sleep regression thing and thus the answer is to wait it out.
But I’m sort of thinking that maybe something else is going on because this pattern is something I’ve seen before. You put baby down awake and he falls asleep and you think, “Yay! We have managed to teach baby to fall asleep without nursing. Hazaah!” Only 1 hour goes by and baby wakes up and REFUSED to go back to sleep without nursing. And then he nurses all night long – JUST LIKE BABIES WHO ARE NURSED TO SLEEP DO.
So maybe what is happening is that he’s taking a little nap then wakes up and remembers, “Hey – Mom forgot to NURSE ME TO SLEEP!” So baby demands nursing and you’re really back to the whole object permanence nursing=sleep thing that you did CIO to get out of in the first place.
Does that make sense?
Andrea, I just wanted to say I really feel your pain. We have a five month old who sleeps dreadfully at night, also wakes up after 30-60 mins of going to sleep, always crying like she thinks bedtime is going to kill her….she is in the swing at night and the varsity technique no longer works and we too are running out of options…. I wish we knew what to do for her. How to explain to such a little baby that sleep is a nice and safe state to enter…. I never thought we would let her cry it out because I am so so uncomfortable with it, but we may end up doing it, and I have a nasty feeling it wont work because crying makes her CRAZY and also makes her withdraw from us….. I am interested to know what advice Alexis might offer you. I hope it gets better for you soon 🙂
Kirstin, I am so sorry. I know just how you feel. You know her best, and it may not turn out to be right for you guys… I still hope you are all able to get some sleep soon. It’s true that sometimes you just feel backed into a corner when nothing else is working. The CIO nights were extremely difficult for us, as I did them all by myself–my husband and I own a restaurant and he works nights. I had to grit my teeth and resist the urge to nurse/rock/etc and just go in and console him instead. Every minute of his crying seemed like an eternity. But after four or five days, something just clicked and he now goes to sleep on his own easily, with no fussing, every night. (We used to have 2 hour battles that ended with me lying on the floor of his room to jiggle his swing/bounce his crib mattress every time he stirred.) In that way, CIO has been a godsend. I just wish I knew why my little guy wakes up crying after just 45 minutes, and whether or not I’m supposed to go to him or let him cry and why this is still happening? I thought CIO was supposed to help at least a little bit with sleep duration. Not sleeping through the night or anything, but something longer than 45 minutes? We are still stuck in the land of too many night wakings for no perceivable reason, and it sounds like you are too. I keep thinking I did something horribly wrong. I’m not sure I can survive two or more months of this! I am anxious to hear Alexis’ thoughts for both of us. Good luck to you!
I’m at a complete loss for what to do with my little guy. He’s a super happy baby (even when tired) but is a horrible sleeper. He’s 5 months old and for about the past month I’ve been trying no cry methods of getting him to sleep on his own. They’ve somewhat worked…I can put him down awake in his crib at night (with a paci), but naps we aren’t getting anywhere! Rocking doesn’t work anymore (wakes up when I lay him down), I can’t soothe him to sleep in his crib, he’s super attached to his paci (won’t even fall asleep in my arms without one) and I feel like I’m neglecting my 2 year old because of all I have to do to get him to nap. I hate the idea of CIO, and for sure he’s way too young right now…is there anything else I can do in the mean time to hopefully avoid CIO?
Hey Becky,
Sounds like your nights are great which is fantastic. If he loves being rocked maybe he could nap in the swing? Lots of babies are napping in swings long after they’ve conquered the crib at night.
Also beware the paci. I hate to be a Debbie Downer but falling asleep with a paci doesn’t entirely qualify as “putting down awake.” Check the post below for more deets.
But I really think the swing might be the best bet to buy you decent naps for the next few months – good luck!
My six month old baby is doing same thing… Waking after 45 minutes. He actually was able to go down awake but in the last few days is refusing that too.
Did Alexis have any ideas?
Sorry meant that for Kirsten.
Same here, Jess!
They’re basically taking a nap. There is a whole slew of chemical and hormonal things that happen at bedtime that make it almost IMPOSSIBLE to stay awake. So baby falls asleep in the face of this flood of hormones but then when they get through 1 sleep cycle (~45 minutes later) they wake themselves up realizing – HEY! I wasn’t nursed/rocked/etc. to sleep so GET BACK IN HERE AND MAKE WITH THE GOODS!
Usually we exacerbate this by thinking, “Oooh – she must be hungry!” So we rush in there and nurse her down. When in reality she’s just taken a nap, THIS is effectively her bedtime and now you’ve just nursed her to sleep.
I’m not saying you can’t go in if you feel it’s the right thing to do. But I AM saying that when baby wakes up ~45 minutes after bedtime you DON’T want to go in and do whatever it is you’re trying to wean off from at bedtime. Hope that makes sense?!?!
So, my wife and I, I believe, made the mistake of crying it out too early. Have we hurt our baby permanently?
She is 4 months.
Jonathan,
I don’t believe so. In fact many pediatricians (note: I am NOT a pediatrician and have zero medical training) will suggest CIO for younger babies. So if you did CIO at 4 months and the result was positive (I hope it was!) then I’m glad it worked for you.
This post wasn’t to instill fear in people and I hope you’re not beating yourself up for doing something outside of what I’m recommending. I simply put it together based on what I felt was sort of a general “best practice.” And also to halt the continual stream of emails I was getting where people were asking if it was OK to let their 4 WEEK old cry (there are a lot of confused tired peeps out there).
Best of luck – OK?
Thanks – yes, we are still beating ourselves up a bit, but not due to your post, just our own insistence on doing this too early.
Our “zeal” came from the fact we had to break our daughter from her swaddle, which was in itself a large ordeal, and got carried away (and a bit confused) trying to do the rest.
We realized our error in a matter of days, but still, it is hard not to blame yourself for making your daughter suffer like that for apparently no reason. That said, we are now back to lulling our daughter to sleep (sans Swaddle! Small success.) . . . as she just did not seem to be picking up the other (either due to age or just parental error) . . . Now, we are looking to re-implement some “gradual” method of perhaps getting her to soothe herself to sleep. Right now, she either needs to nurse and/or be rocked / sung to /etc.
We are thinking of buying the book you recommend from Dr. Karp. Any other suggestions? We also have the Sleep Easy Solutions book, although at this point, your site has been the best resource we could ask for . . . kudos to you, and thanks for the re-assurance!
I wouldn’t buy a whole load of books as often that stack of “helpful” books will start to confuse you. You basically know what you have to do – gradually wean off the nursing/rocking to sleep. Personally it’s easier to wean off rocking to sleep than nursing to sleep so if it were ME I would tackle it from that direction if possible.
If you want, put her in the crib when she is happy and sleepy, and try shaking the crib so that her head jiggles slightly, and see if that doesn’t help her transition into falling asleep in there.
Am not a fan of most books but Karp is awesome – Happiest Baby Guide to Great sleep. But if money is tight you could skip it only because you know what your homework is 😉
I have a 5 month old son who gives me a run for my money. I am having a few issues. The first is that I am nursing him to sleepy mode. I tried nursing then waiting a small bit of time then trying to put him down but he becomes very upset the moment I put him down. I tried using the swing but as soon as I clip him in, the tears flow and he starts that gasping for air thing. How do I get him sleepy without nursing?
Also, how does anyone clip baby in the swing {3 point harness} with a swaddle? I am not currently swaddling because of that issue.
Finally, the pacifier. A godsend and a curse. I cannot get my boy to go down at anytime without it. My only saving grace is that to help him after nursing. It is also a curse because he wakes up at least 4 times a night {bed at 7, up at 10, up at 1, up at 3, up at 5 then for good at 6:30}. I am exhausted. Thank you again for all your help and providing some hope for us sleep-deprived cranky parents out there, whose diet consists of mainly coffee.
Check the post below (her story your story) because she is you a few months from now. Well hopefully not but it will probably feel pretty familiar 😛
OK so your baby has a HUGE suck=sleep thing. And regardless of if its your boobs or the pacifier he has learned that sucking=sleeping.
You want to start by making sure he has other sleep associations (white noise, maybe even a swaddle, lovey, bedtime routines). You could push the swing a little – it’s OK if he cries when you put him in there but work with it, he may turn around after 5-10 minutes of varsity method (no promises but definitely worth some effort).
To get a swaddled kid into the swing leave his legs out. The swaddle only has benefit from the upper body so there is no “soothing value” in keeping his legs in there.
I used to live on coffee and pringles. In hindsight that sounds really gross but somehow at the time it seemed entirely reasonable.
I will add, that he uses the white noise machine to help him sooth each night. I must mention, he is a very gassy baby and will pass gas each time he gets up and nurses. I tried all tummy/anti gas medications with no avail. I even tried to eliminate food from my diet.
Gas doesn’t come from your diet – it comes from how he’s latching/eating. Sometimes some kids are just really sensitive – it is what it is. But if you have access to a lactation consultant it might be worth having her check out the latch, maybe a small modification will help him gulp less air?
My little guy was a gas bag too. It’s a rough slog (we had to get the bubble out of his tummy before he would sleep) but it DOES get easier!
Ahh! This posting addresses my question regarding three months and CIO. So what we did last night may qualify as a successful testing of the waters — her distress was not full throttle, it was intermittent (i.e. she would recover nicely, then give it another go, and then she fell asleep after two a few short rounds of this.) Do we try this again tonight? My bigger concern is am I creating new problems by using nursing as our soothe to sleep technique (this is day 3 of vigilant observation of the less than 2 hours rule). I have been reading a lot of your articles, and have lots of questions, but am having a hell of a time trying to figure out where is the best location for my postings. Sorry about that.
Alexis – Thanks for your blog – it’s wonderful.
What do you say to the mom with a 14 week old little girl who is the BEST baby in the world, who wants to nurse all night long? We actually did cry it out at bedtime, (I know you say it is too young, but since we’re now on night 8, and we can’t go back and undo it, maybe you can help me figure out where to go from here). I nurse and put down little Kate in the crib in her own room (we moved her to the crib from our room/bassinet on night 1 of CIO, and yes we are still feeding her at night when she wakes). If I put Kate down awake, after nursing, she cries for about 10 minutes then goes to sleep for the night (4-5 hours before nursing again). And if I nurse Kate all the way to sleep, and then put her down (swaddled, with white noise), she wakes up anywhere from 5-60 minutes later and cries about 10 minutes, then goes back to sleep. She is now consistently crying about 10 minutes at bedtime. After reading your blog, I see that maybe Kate was too young for CIO. What should we do now? If I go in every time she cries, she will continue crying everytime she stirs to be nursed back to sleep. If I let her cry the 10 minutes, she goes to sleep on her own. However, the 10 minutes of crying is heart wrenching for me and I cry my eyes out too knowing she just wants her mommy. I wish we could cosleep but we don’t want to do it forever so we think she’s at the right age to move to the crib. Any advice? should I continue to let her cry 10 minutes at bedtime every night? Is this normal? Or is this a failed attempt at cry it out? Thanks.
Same question goes for night wakings. She seems to wake up 2 hours after a middle of the night feed and cry for about 7 minutes or so then goes back to sleep. Each time she does, it is heart wrenching for me because I just want to g in an, but at the same time, I don’t want to interfere with her learning to fall back asleep on her own. How long of really hard crying is considered just “fussing” or “testing the waters” or “normal” or “baby just letting off steam” versus baby needing mom at 3-4 months? Is 10 minutes too long? is it normal? Thanks!
don’t have an answer, but I have a little one that is 14 weeks yesterday and doing the same thing… except she isnt swaddled and has reflux. we ended up just putting her in the swing last night because it’s more important to me that she gets sleep and learns to sleep longer periods, rather than fighting it all the way through the night at this age. However, I have no idea if this is the right thinking. Just wondering if things have gotten better in the last month and what you ended up doing…
Hey Catherine,
It’s been a while but I think that 10 minutes of crying is nothing. Sure -0- minutes of crying would be better, but in the larger scheme of things, 10 minutes is NOTHING.
There are PLENTY of babies who cry MORE than 10 minutes even when their parents are giving them tons of soothing. Does that help at all?
Listen if 10 minutes of crying is the price you need to pay for 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep then go for it!
Wow, article published in 2011. It is now 2013 and the discussion is still very much alive. And it probably will be for a while…
The short story:
My boy is now three months old. He sleeps ok during the night, wakes up one or two times only. He has problems falling asleep.
The details:
During the day he takes one long stroller walk ending around noon (sometimes even up to 3 hours long) during which he sleeps. In the afternoon he just takes “power naps” at the breast and mother has a really difficult time getting him to fall asleep and sleep for longer then 25 minutes. Some days he sleeps so little during the day that we take him out for a second stroller walk (only about one hour) in the late afternoon, so that he does not get too tired in the evening.
Like I said, once asleep he sleeps quite well, but getting him asleep has become increasingly difficult. He developed quite a strong nursing-to-sleep association. The typical sequence of falling asleep in the evening is: nurse > fall sleep > burp > wake up > cry > nurse > fall asleep …
As you noticed is more of a loop than a sequence. This spiral sometimes ended with him not waking up after burping, but more and more he got the point when all that nursing was messing up his stomach and he would end up crying also at the breast. At this point we would just walk and rock and squat (and what not) with him on the shoulder for anything between 30 minutes to 2 hours, while he would just cry not understanding why we deny him the breast. Eventually he would fall asleep and we would all go to bed wondering how much are we (all three of us) going to hold on like this.
It got that bad that we eventually tried last night the dreaded CIO. It’s true, it is awfull to just stay outside the door and listen to the baby cry.
After 3 minutes of crying mom went in to let the baby know she is still there. He kept on crying. Then, just aseconds before mom was about to go back in (after another 5 minutes) he just got quiet and fell asleep. He only cried for about 10 minutes! Way less than he normally cries when we try to get him to sleep.
This evening it was almost 20 minutes of crying, with mom visiting him every 4-5 minutes. But still, 20 minutes is less crying time than what he normally spent crying.
We are encouraged by this but wondering about whether he is too young to put him through this.
The questions:
Is it better that he cries less before falling asleep? Or is it actually worse that he is left to cry alone for some time?
Is he too young for this?
PS: We are both really into attachment parenting and really wanted to co-sleep but his reflux was too bad. He just has to sleep in his angled crib. And here we are, letting our baby crying it out at three months already… 😐
I’m working on a post and found this great quote today:
“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” – Mike Tyson
PS. It’s not easy to work a Mike Tyson quote into a baby blog but apparently this is my gift so…
So you had a plan. You planned on being attachment parents. You planned on co-sleeping. But baby had a different plan. Baby has reflux and now you need to work with THAT plan.
Listen Dad – plans are what we thought we would be doing before the baby showed up. Nobody and I mean NOBODY is actually living the plan. I kept my birth plan from my first child. Sometimes I read it when I need a laugh.
Anyhoo back to your question.
Here’s what I think. The angle of the crib is probably not enough but if it’s working for NOW great. Just keep an eye out for a future time where it may not be enough, OK?
Also the whole cycle of nurse, burp, co-sleep, etc. is almost always a bad path. Yes there is MUCH WONDERFULNESS in attachment parenting. But as you’re already seeing with naps it leads to a plan where only Mom can get baby to sleep and only by being a human pacifier. Baby is only 3 months old so it seems manageable. Wait a year and see if it still feels that way.
So the reflux came up and threw off the plan. Reflux has a way of doing that. And feeding refluxing babies just before putting them to sleep is almost always a bad plan. Your baby was responding to this SO negatively that NOT nursing actually led to a huge reduction in crying.
So what is the question – going back to the plan that involved MORE crying?
No. For starters you are WELL ON YOUR WAY. Commit. No backsliding.
Secondly you were going to get stuck breaking out of the “nurse to sleep” habit one way or another. THIS way saves you months of stress at night AND involves LESS crying than what you were previously doing.
Um….that is a HUGE SUCCESS!
Honestly the only change I might make is to reconsider the “go in every 5 minute” plan. If the time of crying INCREASES then go to the “we don’t go in at all” plan. Because the goal is:
1) Sleep
2) Minimize crying
And often the check ins do NOT minimize crying.
Go for it. You’re on the road. The road is working for you. STAY on the road.
Also cheers for leaving a comment. I get 4,000 comments from women for every 1 comment from Dads. So seriously – kudos for being so involved.
Thanks for the quick reply and for the encouragement!
We are also aware that we need to brake the nursing-to-sleep cycle sooner or later. The sooner, the better, but I am concerned that it may be too soon.
What about the statements in the article?
1. They genuinely need you.
This is the most worrying thought.
2. You have other ways.
I’d like some ideas we could try.
3. It can be rough.
No doubt about this one. This evening it took him 30 minutes to fall asleep. We almost gave in, but decided to stick to this at least for a week.
Hi Alexis – I have a 3 month old son who is forcing us to consider CIO. We have a 33 month daughter who was beyond fussy, had severe silent reflux and sleep issues we could never have imagined prior to her birth. We ended up co-sleeping out of desperation because our one and only attempt at CIO ended with her throwing up every time she was left to cry. Fast forward a couple years and we still sleep with her, but now that our son has arrived and changed the dynamic, we’re faced with this awful decision again. Our son won’t sleep independently except on car rides or for brief periods at night after being nursed to sleep. It’s making me crazy to have another baby that needs so much of me. I am so tired of being needed to hold him while he sleeps and it is similarly frustrating for my daughter who would ideally get my attention during his naps. Naps are our biggest trouble but nighttime is occasionally rough too.
I know he is young, and I would do anything to regain some sanity/normalcy without making him cry….but I just can’t think of anything other than taking him on walks (he sleeps if we’re moving….so I either have to make my daughter ride and she misses out on exercise, or she walks too slow and is distracted so the lack of motion wakes him up) or rocking/holding him for naps. I’ve tried setting him down and he pops wide awake. I’ve also tried passing him to Dad or Grandma once I’ve settled him and he wakes up right away then too.
I’ve noticed you suggesting the swing, which I would try but I then wonder how we transition from the swing once that is outgrown? Any other advice for me?
Sorry for the long winded post 🙂
SWING.
Seriously. For starters if your daughter had reflux there is a good chance he does too (I mean statistically it runs in families). So there may be multiple benefits to the swing.
But yeah if baby needs TOO much of you the first thing is how can you automate some of those needs? Swaddle, white noise, and swing would be the first place I would go. It should improve naps and free your arms. Secondly there is a very good chance that CIO at this age won’t be a party for anybody.
Especially for naps which tend to be rough anyway.
So I would get thee to a swing shop if at all possible. If you’re worried about transitioning check this out:
http://www.troublesometots.com/weaning-baby-off-swing/
My 4.5 month old WAS sleeping just fine….4-5 hours regularly with a few 6-7hour nights here and there then suddenly, BOOM! It started right around 4 months and has continued for 2 weeks now: He still falls asleep fine (on his own in his crib) and will sleep solidly from 8:30 to midnight but then is up every 2 hours after that(sometimes even more.) Crying, fussing, the works. If I nurse him he’ll go back to sleep easily but is right back up again 1-2 hours later. He can’t be hungry again that fast can he? If I don’t nurse him he’s a wreck and I have, in desperation, brought him into bed with us on a few occasions. Last night even that didn’t work….
Is this sleep regression (it’s been 2, going on 3 weeks) or is there something else I could be doing to help him? He’s too young for CIO, right?
I’m just so exhausted. I, stupidly, thought the worst of the sleepless nights were behind us!
Hi Alexis,
Thanks so much for this. Like many parents who have left comments here, I have 4.5-month-old who is giving me grief and I’m considering CIO before the 6-month mark.
I’m already using the swing, lots of white noise, and a paci (weaned the swaddle without too much trouble about a week ago). Lately at naptime she pops up 5 minutes after I put her down in her swing (and I am not rushing in immediately – promise), and it’s a big struggle getting her back to sleep. I end up holding her or wearing her for most naps. I’ve tried putting her down awake to no avail.
So, two questions:
1) How long can I let her cry in her swing after putting her down awake before it’s just plain CIO?
2) I want to ditch the paci because I want her to learn to fall asleep without it before she’ll have the manual dexterity to reinsert it when it falls out. Can you help me operationalize this? Like, should I try to wean it while still rocking her to sleep and holding her for most naps? Or start weaning it at bedtime since that tends to be easier than naps? (I should add that getting her to fall asleep at night is brutal too, but still easier than naps because she eventually DOES sleep in her swing). I’d love any suggestions.
Thanks!
Ella
I need some advise. I have a 7 month old who has NEVER been a sleeper. At 6.5 months we were still up every hour or two, every night so we started to CIO. We lay her down drowsy but awake and she either happily plays for a few minutes and the falls asleep without a peep or he falls asleep without a peep. The problem is after that… She sleeps for 1 or maybe 2 hours and then wakes up and the crying starts. 2 weeks in he is still crying for up to 3 hours at a time. I feed her no more often than every 3 hours but I would like to get it to at least every 4 hours but don’t know what to do. If I go in an feed her she goes back to sleep and then we start the whole process over again. I have not slept more than 2 hours at a time since she was born and I don’t know what to do next! She sleeps with loud rumbling white noise and has been swaddled every night. She slept in a reclined swing for 6 weeks back around 2.5 months but that seemed to make no difference. She does not have any medical issues that we can find. Any advise is apprecited!
Hi, I have 5 month old twins, 4 1/2 months adjusted. They started sleeping through the night at 3 months, but have started recently getting up 1-2 times a night, but usually sleep 6:30-6:00 around 10-12 hours a night.My first question- Since they sleep so well at night, is this causing them to be bad nappers? They do not like napping and by the time I get home from work, everyone is crabby and bedtime seems to be really early.
My son is getting oatmeal cereal in his bottles, but his twin sister is a delicate flower, and gets constipated from cereal. They are sleeping in their own rooms… in their fisher price cradle swings (which we have gone through 2 sets because the motors end up dying on us- even though they are the plug ins). I loved your blog about swings because I was feeling like a horrible mother allowing my babies to sleep in their swings, but you made me feel so validated and empowered that I now don’t care what people think. I wanted your opinion on development. We put our son in his crib, where he slept for 2 weeks, and was content, until about 2 weeks ago. I think he was mastering the skill of rolling over and he didn’t want in his swing so he could practice. My question is- Do the swings prevent them from reaching deveoplemental milestones, such as rolling over or sitting up? I work full time so I try to let them practice while I am home on the floor. I just hope I am not hendering any develppment that they need. My daughter hasn’t mastered rolling belly to back, while her brother does it all, belly to back, back to belly etc.
Hi Alexis,
I see that this comment thread has been dormant for a while, but I’m hoping you can answer my question given that it may apply to other babies as well.
My wife and I have arrived at CIO with our almost five-month-old daughter after (insert the usual sleep horror stories here). We’ve also gone with the no-peek method because we know we’re weak and would crumble once in the room. We’ve been at it for five days at both bedtime and naps, and things are going okay, but not as well as many of the books would suggest. She generally cries for 5-10 minutes at nap times and then sleeps for about an hour. At night, she still cries/screams for about 30 minutes before falling asleep. She’ll wake once or twice during the night (7 to 7), and cry herself back to sleep in about 5-10 minutes (which is torture given that we sleep in the same room). Given her age, we don’t fee comfortable letting her go for 12 hours without eating, so we feed her once if she wakes anytime after 3am (she woke at 5:30am this morning).
Here’s problem: she is still swaddled. She’s on the pokey end of motor development, so she won’t be rolling anytime soon. However, I worry that the swaddle deprives her of an important soothing tool: her hands. She’s still not a great hand or thumb sucker, although she tries, but maybe she’d learn if she had access to her hands at night. So the question is: is it okay to sleep train a swaddled baby? Should we be taking a different approach to CIO?
Also, thanks for all you do. Your blog got us through the first few months of sleep struggles (oh, lovely infant swing!), and I’m hoping you can help us out of a jam now.
Anthony
“Letting your baby fuss for a few minutes is NOT cry it out.”
I really needed this affirmation tonight. I’m dealing with my 2nd – we just hit 5 weeks and I’ve apparently blocked this span of time from my memory with the first one. This one is a great sleeper, but fusses for a bit in the swing 5 minutes after I’ve left the room … as you’d imagine, it’s brutal on mom. I followed your site with my first and he learned to sleep on his own so quickly! Came here looking for your help and found it within minutes! So grateful for you. Been a loyal follower for 1.9 years! Thanks for all you do!!
Hello,
We have a 5.5 month old that is doing better at nights but struggles horribly at naptime. I”ve been trying CIO where I sit next to his crib and every once in a while pat his tummy or put his lovey next to him if he’s screaming too hard. He screams for at least 45 minutes and then only sleeps for 30. I try to let him CIO to resettle for the rest of the nap, but it’s 99% of the time a 45 min CIO and then I give up.
Is it too young to expect him to CIO? He seems to start to settle (sucks fingers, cuddles his lovey, rubs his forehead with both fists) but then he realizes he’s giving in and he screams even louder.
Any thoughts?
My son is 3 months old and had been taking his last bottle at 9ish and then sleeping from 9:30ish – 7:30ish at around 11 weeks. He still sleeps in our room in the bassinet and around 4:30 I’d have to pop his paci in and then again at 6ish but he never actually fully wakes up and isn’t hungry. Now though he has started waking at 2:30 as well. We know that if he doesn’t sleep well during the day he won’t sleep well at night but he’s started taking 2-3 30-60 min naps and 1 long 2.5-4 hrs nap. Any suggestions to keep him sleeping? We use swaddlers and white noise. Considering moving him to his room but not sure what to do about the times he wakes because of the paci. Do I unswaddle so he can suck on his hands? Do I try CIO? I know we are lucky to have him sleep through without eating but I hate not knowing what to do.
Our 4 month old slept completely through the night from 12-16 weeks. I could give him his bedtime bottle, put him in his crib awake, and he’d happily fall asleep. Now, he’s down for the first 3 hours and wakes up miserable. Our doctor told us not to give him a night time bottle because he’s shown us that he’s capable of sleeping all night. It’s too early to cry it out, but I don’t know what else to do. He’s already swaddled and we have used white noise since day one. Any ideas?
Tara,
I think it’s this: http://www.troublesometots.com/the-thing-about-sleep-regressions/
Babies often have growth spurts where they literally need more food. And the 4 month is a biggie. So my general advice is to be a little generous about food when this happens and then work on getting back to your food-free evenings in a week or so.
Check the post I linked to for more details!
so here is my issue…
I have a 4 month old little guy, happy as ever, takes good naps and is on a great 3 hours cycle during the day. He has a great bedtime at night, bath, books, bottle a little rocking and then into his crib. He actually falls sleep on his own most night, and if not all he needs is a quick pat on the bellie and soothing and then he is asleep. We use a sound machine, and he is swaddled with one arm out and used to do good with this! everything that we are doing points to a perfect nights sleep!
Issue is that for the last week it has been getting where he wakes up all the time, and i have really just had to put his paci back in and maybe a bellie pat and he has gone back to sleep. The last 2 night it is up every hour! lots of soothing back to sleep and about 2-3 times he has a full blown breakdown and has to be rocked and whatnot back to sleep until he is dead in my arms.
i am at a loss and exhausted! any suggestions.
Help! My daughter is turning 4 months old this week and has started to HATE bedtime! She’s always been a good sleeper, we put her down awake in her crib for naps and bedtime and she’ll happily put herself to sleep, until the last couple weeks. She goes down great for naps, but has started to hate bedtime. Although usually a very happy, laid back baby, about half way through bedtime routine she starts to get very angry. She’ll start crying almost immediately after getting put down for bed. Picking her up and consoling her only sometimes helps. If I walk with her and leave the room she’ll immediately stop crying the minute we leave her bedroom, then start crying again the minute we re-enter her bedroom. If she calms down, I put her back in her crib, then pick her up again when she starts crying. This goes on for an hour, until she tires herself out and finally goes to sleep. Then she’ll usually stay asleep the rest of the night. If anyone has any advice, would love to hear it! Am leaning toward CIO but I would happily try other methods first. Have been trying PU/PD the last 2 weeks with no improvement.
This could be the 4 month sleep regression, but I can relate in that my son had a similar issue at about 5 months. In his case though, as soon as I went in the room he’d start smiling and giggling. Sometimes I think I don’t give him enough credit–he’s smarter than I think and I believe he had figured out that it’s more fun to hang out with us than sleep. So I said firmly and gently “It’s time for bed,” and then left, and he cried off and on for 10 minutes only. When I tried going in and out it seemed to take forever, (smile, pick up, put down, cry, come back in, smile…) perhaps just reinforcing the crying. Because of the giggles and smiles it really seemed like he just wanted to play more. I’d give her a little bit and see what happens.
This blog is amazeballs! Thank you so much, Alexis. You rock.
Thanks to your advice (swaddle, white noise, swing, 20 min gap between eating and bedtime, etc), my 5.5 month old, (4 mo adjusted), has been sleeping through the night (most of the time) for the past several weeks. Yay! And thank goodness since he’s a preemie, has relux, and hubby is deployed… it’s been a bit of a rough year!
Only problem is that he usually cries/fusses/complains for ~2-10 minutes several times a night (sometimes almost every hour). If he goes longer than 10 min I go in and try to resettle or feed. But I’m so tired that I don’t go in if it’s less than that (which is the majority of the time — he falls back asleep on his own).
Question is… Is that ok (to let him cry for that long, so often, and at his age)? My MIL is coming later this week to visit and I know I’m going to get the hairy eyeball for letting baby “CIO”. Does this even count as CIO?
Hey Exhausted,
Did you see lovely Amber’s response below? Sometimes if you don’t reply directly to a comment you don’t get notified so I wanted to make sure you see it 🙂
Ah reflux. The bane of my (and every other reflux parent) existence. Fussing through every sleep cycle is pretty normal. Definitely leave 2-10 minutes well enough alone. If you DO get the side-eye from the MIL you should calmly tell her that this is your baby’s way of letting you know that there is some discomfort due to reflux but that she’ll successfully navigate the partial awakening period because you let her due to a CONSCIOUS AND WELL-REASONED PARENTING CHOICE.
Then you don’t bring it up again. And no it’s not CIO. It IS a good indication that your baby still has tummy issues – even with the swing and swaddling and whatnot. Not sure what your feelings about medications are but it might be time to start or change things on that front? Also you might want to try going off dairy as that’s often an issue for preemies. Not forever, just for the 1st year.
Anyhoo good luck with things. It’ll get easier!
Not Alexis and not an expert, but I know sometimes it helps to have another parent tell you that it’s ok, and you’re not the Worst Parent Ever.
I think that at his age 2-10 minutes between sleep cycles is his way of resettling. I think that if you went in every hour, you would possibly stop the “learning process” of being able to navigate thru a sleep cycle. I think feeding him a few times a night when the crying goes on longer is probably appropriate. I would imagine that he will eventually grow out of the crying between sleep cycles, but even some adults babble incoherently a little bit during that transition.
And I wouldn’t worry about what is CIO and what is not CIO, as that is largely a semantics game used to kick exhausted parents when they’re down. I’d just worry about what seems appropriate for his age and your situation. Your husband is deployed, I would imagine you are in survival mode, and baby needs to sleep, because your sanity matters too!
Thanks Ashby,
Also I’m totally with you. It’s all about semantics and there is no need to label how parents are night-parenting their babies because it’s THEIR BABY.
Thanks so much for your kind response 🙂
Alexis
Thank you for your awesome site! I’ve been reading and reading, but can’t decide what to do with my 5 month old. I swear she has developed object permanence already. She sleeps in an upright bassinet in her nursery. Depending on last nap, I start the bedtime ritual around 6 or 7pm. I used to be able to rock her a bit in that, then it took holding, then rocking in arms, and it’s escalated to only nursing to sleep. Every night and nap seems to be getting even worse. Now I’m nursing her to sleep, lay her down and she wakes up. I finally got her to sleep tonight after an hour and a half and three nursing sessions and she woke after 45 mins. I’ve tried letting her cry about 10 minutes she just seems to be working herself up even more. (there was a sweet time when I could lay her down awake and she’d fuss for three mins then go to sleep on own…oh how I miss those days).
So… How do I get her to go to sleep on own? I’ve read parts 1,2, & 3. But, I’m SCARED to put her in swing to learn to go to sleep on her own. She’s never really liked the swing and I really don’t want to develop a dependency on that, even if it is temporary. So I’d really like to do CIO, but I’m afraid she will have to cry for a REALLY long time, which I’m not excited about. Plus, it seems like you don’t think CIO is good for those under 5 months, but I really don’t think we can go on much longer like this.
So if I do the CIO, I start with just bedtime? What do I do for naps? Keep nursing? I try to limit her wakefulness to less then 2 hours and CIO would prolong this and lead to over tiredness right? Will she just eventually take the learned falling asleep skill from bedtime and start applying it to naps or is there something I need to do?
Thank you SOOO much for your time. You’re amazing and much appreciated!! Love your sense of humor too! 🙂
If 3-6 months is the ideal time to teach your baby to sleep on its own and your baby is 5 months and things are already escalating out of control then it seems there’s not enough time for the swing method or the gradual method. That’s my thinking and I guess I’m just hung up on feeling pressured to do something to make her learn ASAP because I can’t keep up this routine and we’ve only got a month left to teach her (before we all turn into unicorns that never sleep:-). U say teach your baby to fall asleep on own between 3-6 months using one of these three methods but the last method u shouldn’t use unless over 6 months. I guess that’s the discrepancy I’m hung up on and it’s probably not real. You’ve probably explained this somewhere and I’ve missed it in my sleep deprived state. Forgive my rambling. Must. Get. Sleep. Soon.
(Not an expert, just a fellow parent)
It’s really easy to get hung up on timing, but I have read on this site Alexis saying that the best time for CIO is when you are absolutely desperate and obsessed with sleep and it is seriously affecting the quality of life for the whole family. Since you say things are “escalating out of control” this may be your situation.
You could do CIO in a moving swing, with a swaddle, with white noise. I essentially did this at this age, although I would rock my son until he was really really drowsy, then put him down with all those soothing elements, and the crying wasn’t very long at all with all these elements in place. I gradually backed off the rocking, and then just used a non-moving swing. I think eliminating soothing elements one at a time and doing some CIO was kind of a “gradual CIO” for us that never escalated into huge amounts of crying. I hope things get better for you soon!
Thanks so much Ashby! Yes it’s definitely time to do something. I just hate to introduce the swing since that’s the one dependency we don’t have! She’s actually only fallen asleep in the swing two times. All other attemps have failed. She has also refused the paci. So the only self soothing she has is her fingers but She is more biting them at this point and sucking. Which also makes me a little concerned that maybe shes starting to teeth with all this drool. But she’s only five months. Her sister didn’t get her first tooth until around a year. Also I haven’t swaddled her since she was maybe 2 months? Started Leaving her hands out early so she could suck her fingers and she never took the paci. With all this being said I still need something to do for naps because I don’t think CIO is an option for naps right now. So maybe swing. I just don’t want to send mixed signals using CIO at night and something different during the day. Maybe we’ll do CIO for three nights n she will figure out how to put herself to sleep and then she’ll be putting herself to sleep for naps to. Whatta u think?? 🙂
Alexis has said that day and night sleep are regulated by different parts of the brain, so it’s ok to nap in one place and night sleep in another. Although for what it’s worth, I did find that my son’s ability to put himself to sleep improved for day sleep once he mastered going down awake for the night. The good Dr. Ferber has also said that the biological drive to sleep is much stronger right before nighttime, so that’s probably where you should start sleep training if you want to. Dr. Ferber’s book is great for understanding the science of this stuff, but honestly I was only able to “grok” it better once my son was sleeping better and I wasn’t a zombie!
Hi! An update: First day (17 days ago) we put her in the swing she cried for 18 minutes and then just fell asleep. Couldn’t believe it. Next night she cried for 10 (hard) so I went in and fed her and then she fell asleep after 5 minutes. The swing method was working great, until the SWING BROKE! Borrowed a friends and we thought that one was broke too (this was last Saturday). I freaked and just had to put her in the Bassinet to CIO. She cried less then 20 minutes and was asleep!!! I couldn’t believe it! I was SO happy that we weren’t going to have to do a gradual decrease with the swing.
Now. Somehow over the last week things have gone all bad again. My gal has got a super strong EAT=SLEEP association and I don’t know how to break it. (This is crazy, because I started her out as a newborn following the EAT PLAY SLEEP baby wise method which says never nurse to sleep, but reflux an other issues cause that routine to go out the window). The problem is that I can’t seem to get her to nurse unless she is sleepy. Can’t get her to eat much soon after she wakes up, so I keep nursing right before naps and AT bedtime. The thing is I get her to eat a little, but it’s not enough. It’s like she doesn’t realize she is hungry until I put her to bed or strap her in her carseat…like she’s thinking okay, waaaaiiit, now that I can’t have milk, I’m realizing I want it/need it!
Problem confounded by the fact that I tried letter her CIO for naps and after 20 mins went in a nursed her to sleep a few times. Today after I nursed her to sleep she wouldn’t let me lay her down. So I’m back to square one.
After some more reading from Alexis’ goldmine of info, here’s what I’m planning. Writing this out helps me and if i could get some feedback/advice/confirmation that would be great!
1) Focus on getting good naps. Do whatever is necessary to get her to sleep (even if it includes nursing?).
2) Go back to using the swing to help her learn to fall asleep on own. So tomorrow I’ll start with the swing again for naps, and bedtime.
3) Nurse as much as I can, then wind down, read, sing and lay her down. If she starts crying super hard like she’s still hungry then get her out feed her, but don’t let her sleep – then keep her up 1st night for 5 mins, 2nd night for 10 mins, 3rd 15, and 4th night 20.
Tonight I let her wail for 25 mins, then went in and nursed her to sleep. Similar things have been happening during her naps and I think it’s because she’s still hungry, but it could be that she just misses me and I need to let her cry longer. So not really sure, but maybe going back to the swing will help.
Okay after writing all this I’m realizing that I really have TWO issues and I should just focus on ONE at a time. So priority one is getting her to fall asleep on own. So, new plan:
Nurse as usual. Do #1 & #2 above. Pray that she doesn’t do her, “now that I’m strapped in, I’m hungry” routine and she just falls asleep on own in swing.
After a few nights in swing with our usual routine of nursing just before bedtime, I will try to increase the time between nursing and bedtime in the swing.
Okay, so I think I have somewhat of a plan. Needed to write / think it out. I’m open to ideas suggestions if you even made it to the end of all my rambling. 🙂
One thing that stands out–I doubt she’s crying when you put her in the swing because she suddenly realizes she’s hungry, I have a feeling she’s crying then because, “Hey wait Mom, you’re forgetting to nurse me to sleep!!!” Since the ultimate goal is to separate nursing from sleep, especially for nights, I wouldn’t keep going in to feed, calm her down, etc. If you want to do checks, Ferber style, I think your checks should include soothing OTHER THAN the sleep association you want to change.
Also when my son gets in distracted-nurser mode, I nurse him while he is drowsy before bedtime, tickle his feet to keep him awake, and then change diaper/PJs/songs before putting him down to sleep. Not perfect but it is a way to get a baby to eat while sleepy without nursing to sleep.
Hello Alexis,
I’m really looking for some input/suggestions. I have a 5.5 month old (4.5 adjusted) who will not sleep unless I’m right there with her, usually nursing! She will fall asleep in the car usually.
I’ve been trying the CIO method but I will only let her cry for 10-20 mins. She will cry/fuss for hours. It’s been 5 nights steady of hours and hours of this. Tonight she fell asleep with me next to her.
I can tell she wants to self soothe and fall asleep but she doesn’t know what to do as she is so used to falling asleep to my breast or with me.
She was also a co-sleeper but from about 2-4am and on.
I’m looking to have her be able to fall asleep on her own as well as in her crib.
Thank you.
Preemies often develop a bit behind their full-term buddies and need waaay more soothing. It sounds like she just needs more.
What about having her fall asleep with a swaddle, white noise, in a swing? A pacifier might be a liveable temporary compromise although I would start with the first three and see where you get. It doesn’t sound like “falling asleep on her own in the crib” is working today.
Personally I would consider her a 4.5 month old baby and it sounds like she isn’t ready to fly solo. The plan I suggests gets her out of your bed and off your boob but gives her the extra soothing she still needs. Why not try it for 3-5 days (consistently) and see what develops?
I have a 4.5 month old who is a horrible sleeper. I feel like I have earned a PhD with all the baby sleep information I’ve read! But, I’m just as confused as ever on where to start. Perhaps too much information is a bad thing.
Currently, she naps only 30-45 minutes and will be tired 45min-1hr after each nap. I know she’s not getting enough sleep, and respond promptly to any signs of tiredness.
At night, she will sleep from 8pm-12:30/1am (at which time we will do a formula feeding). Then she will wake up almost every hour after that, requiring more time for soothing – with 4am-6am being the most difficult. She is currently being swaddled at night (although she naps w/o swaddle b/c it didn’t seem to make a difference.) However, she seems to be trying to roll onto her side while swaddled (she has not mastered rolling over yet) and seems to get frustrated when she can’t. However, when I don’t swaddle, she wakes up every 45 min-1hr with arms flailing. I’ve been trying to work on “drowsy but awake”, without much success. I feel like she is better able to self-soothe (by sucking her fingers) when she isn’t swaddled. Where do I start – trying to wean the swaddle? Should I put her in the swing swaddled(which she has NEVER liked) and attempt your method of teaching her to fall asleep without me?
Thanks!
I’m not sure what to do with my 3 month old. For the past month she has been waking more frequently at night. At 8 weeks she was starting the night with a 4-5 hour stretch and then only waking once more before getting up. I went back to work at 8 weeks and we have been steadily deteriorating ever since. Now we are lucky if we get a 3 hour stretch and then she’s up every 1-2 hours. She acts hungry every time but barely nurses. How do I break this nursing association with sleep at this age? She screams and spits out a pacifier at night. We are working on sleepy but awake when she goes down to bed but the same methods that are working at bedtime don’t seem to work in the middle of the night. I know she is too early for cry it out but don’t know what to do. She is probably really hungry some of the time, how do I know the difference?
I have no advice because I’m having the exact same problem with my 3-month-old. It seems like falling asleep and going back to sleep are completely different things for him and I can’t figure out how to get him to learn to fall back to sleep (even though he’s doing alright with falling asleep the first time). I hope there’s an answer for us!
I wish I could say it was getting better. She is 15 weeks now and I think we are getting into the 4 month sleep regression. I didn’t think it could get worse. For the past few nights she has been waking every 1-2 hours and then it takes about 45 min to get her back to sleep. Nursing to sleep no longer works. She nurses for a few min, starts to doze off and then as soon as I move she wakes right back up screaming. Hopefully this passes quickly
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve found that what’s helping a bit for us is to make sure that my little guy gets as much nap time as possible through the day (even if that means carrying him around in the ergo for 90 mins at a time). He’s been sleeping longer stretches at night with that strategy (still only 2 hours usually, but better than before when it was almost every hour between 2 and 7am).
I hope things go better for you soon!
Hi
I absolutely do not want to do CIO. My 3 month old will cry (not a wail by any means) and fuss before falling back asleep at night. How long is too long to let her do this to avoid being CIO and if its not wailing is it not CIO? thanks
What is or is not CIO is a semantics game. Instead of asking “Is this CIO?” I’d just ask, “Does this seem reasonable for her age and developmental level.” Personally, I (a stranger on the Internet with absolutely no credentials) think that a quick fuss or shout before falling back asleep is no big deal. For every parenting decision, there will be some who will disapprove. Even adults grumble or mumble between sleep cycles. I think that the fact that she can return to sleep with a fuss but not a wail is a great start, and I’d want to cultivate that skill and not interfere with that.
Hi. I really appreciate your website. I have used Babywise mostly and my baby has been sleeping through the night since one month. However, after reading this article, I sort of feel like I’m terrible. We did CIO at around 2 1/2 months, but then maybe what we did was more like “testing the waters” like you talked about and I used a very gentle short timed “Ferber” approach. We didn’t really have to do this at night either, but during nap times. But I guess I’m sort of confused because she started self soothing way before 6 months, more like 3-4 months or earlier. And honestly, I feel like the timed crying that I let her do at nap time is the reason I can put her down for naps today at 10 months usually without protest and have been able to for months now. So, I guess it’s hard for me to believe that these things can’t happen early………or is my baby some kind of brainwashed psychologically damaged mutant baby? Do you think there are exceptions to the rule, or maybe did I invent my own method of sleep training earlier infants. 😉 again, thanks for standing up for our babies’ sleep. 🙂
I would imagine there exists a bell curve, just like any other trait (crawling, walking, making one’s own income), wherein some kids can learn sleep stuff earlier than others and some have a harder time and it takes longer. While having an infant cry for a loooong time at 2.5 months seems extreme and is generally not recommended, it sounds like your babe accomplished “put down awake” with some testing the waters and without any serious drama–to which I, personally, say huzzah! Don’t jinx it!
We sleep trained at 11 months with my first, 4 months with my second and just recently did sleep training with my 3rd at 3.25 months. We used the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child book for our guide. We had great success with all 3 – sleep training took only a few days with each of them. With #3, I think the key to our sleep training success was putting her down on her tummy for naps and bedtime. We were confident that she had a strong enough neck to lift her head and turn it both ways. She also does great going through the 45 minute wake up. I know you cannot endorse tummy sleeping, but I’m just writing in to say that if I had another baby, I would do the same thing. I wish I had put my other two on their tummies at some point too (3 months) because I believe they would have slept so much better and would have been easier to sleep train. My 3.25 mo never cried longer than 45 minutes (and that only happened once or twice at bedtime) and it only took 3 days for her to get the hang of going down drowsy but awake. She typically fusses or cries mildly for 10 minutes or less. She is doing great. Can I add that with 3 children to take care of, it was a lifesaver to sleep train her at 3.25 months. If she had been #1 or #2 I might have waited longer, but with 2 others to care for, it was getting impossible to rock her to sleep for every sleep time – especially bed time. She now sleeps longer and better and is able to stay awake longer. So glad to get rid of that swing too.
So much good info here!!
I’m so lost on what to do with our son right now. We have a 3.5 month old that loves his Rock N Play. He has been sleeping there for nighttime sleep since he was about 2.5 months old.
Here’s the thing, he will sleep 10-11 hours straight in that thing, no fuss, even puts himself to sleep at night when I put him in there awake.
But – I know the time is nearing where he can’t sleep there anymore (and I don’t think its a good place for him to sleep to begin with, but I put him there out of sleep exhausted desperation)
I’ve been trying to get him in the crib, and he HATES it. I literally got no sleep the other night and I am back to work…so that is a problem.
He will go to sleep in there – after much rocking, shushing etc. But then he wakes up every hour all night long.
So inevitable I give up and end up putting him back in his Rock N Play (and feel like a failure for not sticking it out)
He hates the swaddle – so that doesn’t work. I feel like I’ve tried everything to get him to sleep in the crib (rolled towels under the sheet, merlin suit, white noise, elevated mattress) and my friend is saying I should do Cry It Out but I feel like he is just too young for that.
What else can I do besides Cry It Out? I’d really like to wait until he’s at least 5 months old…but I can’t leave him in the Rock N Play that long 🙁
I know he can sleep all night – how can I get him to sleep more than a couple hours at a time in the crib?
Few notes:
He takes about 4 naps a day ranging from 40 minutes to 1.5 hours. He goes to bed every night between 7-8pm. He’s breastfed.
If he is sleeping 10-11 hours I would not change anything and be very thankful:)
My son is almost 8 months and a few times I panicked similarly–he’ll never sleep in his crib, we have to build a swing for a 5 year old, we’ll never get him out of the swaddle! But we did and now he sleeps in his crib sans swaddle. My son is a completely different baby than he was at 3.5 months and while it is easy to panic about these transitions, they do happen and it seems natural when they do. I would just keep trying the crib every few weeks but NO SWEAT. It was very obvious when my son was ready–he really wanted to roll over and sleep on his belly!
I would not force the crib at his age. The rock and play I have has a buckle in the bottom so that you can secure a larger baby in it, and my son occasionally slept there on rough nights until 7 months.
We’re wondering what to do. We’re not too soft to never let our 1-month-old cry, but our pediatrician just today very clearly said that we need to stop all rocking before bed, put him to sleep with eyes wide open, and let him cry (as long as he’s dry, fed, and warm).
10 minutes, 30 minutes, 2 hours, whatever he said.
1 months old seems on the furthest end of the “early” spectrum.
Can babies even habituate this early? And if they can, then can they habituate other negative associations that crying and not being “rescued” may cause?
Though if they can’t learn this early, then why would there be any negative effects of letting them cry it out?
Everything I read says “check with your pediatrician first.” What do people think of our “doctor’s orders?”
Hey David,
That’s a toughie.
See, I’m not a doctor. In fact I’ve had the sum total of one biology class in my entire life. So I’m about as far from being a doctor as you could possibly be.
I do, however, have a lot more education in baby sleep than doctors do (the average pediatrician has received 3 hours of training in sleep). So I feel pretty comfortable weighing in on sleep stuff. And my professional “sleep lady on the Internet” (HA!) opinion is that 1 month is too early. Not because of issues around habituation and negative associations, but simply because it’s unnecessary.
He’s a tiny peanut right now. Personally I would swaddle him in a swing (he loves rocking anyway), turn on some white noise, put him in awake, walk out the door and watch the clock. What happens in 15 or even 20 minutes?
For newborn babies, lots of soothing + a little time to work things out = often amazing things happen.
That being said, newborns cry a ton so following your pediatrician’s advice is unlikely to have any adverse effect and may also work within 15 or 20 minutes (you never know).
If it helps at all, you’ve got ages before your “rocking to sleep” causes sleep issues so you’ve got lots of runway to figure things out. You could also take the next 2-3 months and chip away at things in a way that feels OK for you and see what sort of progress you make that way. At this age, he’s not waking up during the night because he’s rocked to sleep AT bedtime. He’s waking up because he’s a newborn. So forcing the “fall asleep on your own” issue today will avoid future problems, but is unlikely to make vast changes in his current sleep pattern.
So there is my probably unhelpful slightly flimsy answer to your question 🙂
Alexis
In a sea of misguided half-truths touted as scientifically-proven fact, your answer is informative, grounded, and most of all, super-helpful and gives us some great perspective.
Thank you!!
Hello. I have a 6 week old daughter who two weeks ago was sleeping during the night (a 6 hour stretch and then a 3-4 hour stretch) in her crib. However, now she is waking up every 3 hours (sometimes 2.5) during the night, and won’t nap during the day. She does not like her swing at all. The second I set her in it she cries, and if I let her go for 5-10 minutes, she’s still crying at the end of that time. During the day the only way I can get her to nap is on top of me on the couch, or in a baby carrier/sling. Out of desperation/lack of sleep I let her cry it out last night when I put her down. She cried on and off for 45 minutes (it was horrible), but then ended up sleeping a 6 hour stretch again. Today, she is back to not napping. I tried the swing, vacuum, crib, shhhhhing, etc. but nothing worked. Although now she is peacefully sleeping in her baby carrier strapped to my chest. Do you consider this co-sleeping? What would your recommendations be for night time sleep/naps at this point? I really do not want to continue to let her cry it out, but not sure what else to do when swing/ white noise don’t seem to be doing the trick. Thank you in advance for any advice.
Hello, I just thought I would share my thoughts on this subject. I am a proud mother of a 20 month old and an 11 week old, both boys. I had my first son right after my 16th birthday, and being a first tIme mom with no help whatsoever (both my parents and my sons dad were not in the picture at the time) I held him pretty much constantly, therefore he slept pretty much constantly. I couldn’t set him down without him crying, therefore I just avoided setting him down. When it came to bedtime I would rock him to sleep, with him crying, which took about thirty minutes and he would normally wake again as I laid him down in the bed next to me (yes I know, I know). He continued to be rocked to sleep until about 9 months old. I then lethhim cry it out, always under thirty minutes before he would knock out. But with my 11 week old, his brother is so loud and into everything he rarely nap during the day, and sometimes is so over stimulated and restless I let him cry it out and have let him for a week or so now only if its needed. It never lasts more that 15 minutes. In his crib. But with a paci. (normally not in his mouth by the time crying ends though). He cries less then his brother did being rocked. Maybe I just got lucky with a good night sleeper this time round. But I don’t think crying it out at just under three months is to young if used as a last measure.
Hello Alexis,
I’m after some advice on cry it out. I have 5 month old twin boys. I started them out sleeping in their swings with white noise and swaddle and the swings were great during that crazy newborn phase, however despite my best efforts I could not get them to fall asleep in the swings at bedtime! They would sometimes fall asleep in them at nap times, otherwise I would just rock them to sleep and then put them in the swings.
Since I never could get them to fall asleep in their swings at bedtime I just decided they may swell be sleeping in their cots. And they sleep just as well as in the swings, once they are down for the night. Still have the white noise and swaddle. My problem is that my husband does night shift 2 weeks every month and bedtime has become a nightmare for me. I cannot rock two babies to sleep at once. I end up rocking one, while the other cries in his cot for 20 mins, then I put the sleeping one down, pick up the crying one to rock to sleep and then the other one wakes to cry and this can go on and on! I have had my mother and mother in law to sleep over a couple of nights a week when my husband is on night shift ( they both live an hour away) but this can’t go on forever.
This is long, but basically is it too early for cry it out and do you think it would work?
Melanie, I myself had twin girls and I also nursed and rocked them to sleep never letting them do the job themselves. Dad wasn’t around to help at never very often. At 8 months I couldn’t take it any longer. I had zero time to myself to even eat! I bought 2 books. (Can’t remember the names) but one basically said to keep checking on them every so many minutes. ( Just t reassure them you weren’t coming back! LOL.) I think it was Ferber.
The second one went sort of like this. Put them to bed awake, leave the room the way they normally sleep, poor yourself a big ole glass of wine and go outside. The latter worked like a charm. It look over 45 minutes the first night but low and behold after 3 nights, I put my children to bed at 7:30, awake, and they literally “slept like babies”. I had the evening to clean up and get ready for the next day. AND, a bit of time for myself! My girls are teenagers today and have always slept beautifully! Take my advise if nothing has worked so far. It hurts to hear them cry but……
letting my 7 .5 month old twins cry it out. They will not sleep unless they are being breastfed
Tried cry it out on my 6m old as he wont fall asleep in his bed or anywhere unless hes dumming mummy. 🙁
I’m letting my one month old cry out now.
And how did it go? I’m tempted to try it on my restless 9 week old
I have been anti cio until 6 months and have been successful until today. He went to sleep in my arms, I put him down, he woke up SUPER alert. I tried everything to put him back down. I didn’t even interact with him for the first twenty minutes as I tried to keep him in the nap time zone. I then tried putting him in his swing, bouncer, etc, but the kid thought it was a great playtime. I tried holding him, but he kept screaming as he was overtired and wanted to play. I left him in bed happy. He then started screaming after ten mins. By this time, he had slept a total of ten mins in FOUR hours. I finally just let him scream for five minutes. I felt HORRIBLE and went back after five with tears streaming down my face. But he went in my arms and was asleep in two minutes flat. I’m so afraid that I destroyed his trust or something. What do you think?
Do I think that you destroyed his trust by “abandoning” him for 5 minutes? Well let me turn this question around – do YOU think you did?
Attachment theory is quite clear – parent/child bonds are not fragile things that dissolve with brief bouts of crying. I understand you were having a rough nap day and are feeling terrible about what happened. But I’m quite confident that from his perspective this was no big deal.
When I read your story I’m not thinking that this is a child who is neglected, but I am thinking that this is a Mom who’s batteries are running on empty. Your kiddo is fine and his relationship with you is fine too. But maybe you can carve out some time and energy to care for yourself?
Good luck!
He’s 4.5 months
We had to leave my first born to CIO, because NOTHING else worked – he hated rocking/patting/shushing/bouncing/the car etc etc etc. we realised that it was us continually going back in to “comfort” him that was just stimulating him even more and getting him worked up. So, when we knew he was just tired because he’d been fed/changed etc, we left him to it for gradually lengthening periods of time. He started actually self soothing, stopped getting so angry and worked up and eventually at 7 & a half months began to sleep more than 2 hour blocks. He now sleeps soundly through the night (with the help of a toddler clock). My 3 month old unfortunately had no choice but to be left to cry as I am at home with them in my own for days on end and as such can’t physically hold her whilst bathing him/changing his nappy/getting him ready for bed etc. she soon learned to self soothe, and sleep through the night and can settle herself down for sleep. She’s a happy little baby, and totally fine, though it was a harsh few days for her whilst she was left for the short time it took to get my son ready for bed. No regrets for CIO here!
Hello, I would like some advice. I have a son who is now 5.5 months old. He was born prematurely at 35 weeks, so corrected age he is just over 4 months old. He is a large baby …he is following the 50th percentile for weight for his uncorrected age. He has reflux and was a motion lover so we have had him sleeping in a swing. However, he is outgrowing the swing and is now able to roll front to back and back to front inconsistently. We have recently started to try him in his crib. I read your post on moving to a crib from a swing…. The swing is non-moving and beside his crib in his own room. In the swing he goes down at 7pm, falls asleep on his own, then wakes at 1-2am and 4-5am to eat. We are breastfeeding. Then up for the day around 6:30-7:30am. When I put him in his crib he will fall asleep on his own but then wakes after 40 min, then 30 min, then an hr, etc. crying hysterically. The only way to sooth him is to pick him up and pat his back. Then he will go back down to sleep, until myself or my husband cave and we put him back in the swing for the night so we can all sleep. We have tried a crib wedge, flat crib, putting him on his back and tummy (I know this is not recommended but he did sleep 3 hrs straight on his tummy when we tried it). Do you think it is ok to try CIO for the wakings he has outside of his typical feed times? Is he old enough to try CIO? Any other suggestions? TIA.
Most swings go to 25-30 lbs and my own little refluxers (who were mammoth babies) were in there for 10 and 13 months respectively. So my first thought is, “is he really outgrowing the swing?”
I ask because refluxing kids tend to do better with a slight incline to their sleep. HE’s still young (I count him a 4 month old) and you’re telling me he’s miserable in the crib. So my first thought is – why force it? Why not wait?
Thank you for your reply. I can leave him in the swing for now as ours does go to 25 lb. But doesn’t their increased mobility make the swing unsafe? He tries to bridge in it now, lifting his bum out as soon as the harness comes off. When will I know he will be ready for the crib? When should I try it again?
Hi Alexis,
It has been great reading all of this advice. Thank you so much.
I’m worrying that I’ve ruined my second child’s sleep completely 🙁 she was really good at self-soothing in her bedside cot until about 6 weeks (with a but of help from white noise) but then she caught a lingering cold from my 2 year old and just would just cry when put on her back… Then I ruined it and brought her into my bed as it was the only way she would sleep.
I now just cannot get her to go back in her cot and she feeds off me 3-4 times every night 🙁
Can you advise? Worried I’ve made a rod for my own back…
Thank you!
P.s. She is now 4.5 months…
My son is three months old and when he was born I took my moms advice to lay him down in his crib to sleep. Problem was, even when I’d comfort him he’d scream his little head off. So I started putting him in his swing. He was fine up until recently. Now he screams no matter what I do, holding him, laying him down, everything. I’ve just been rocking him to comfort him a bit. But the second I lay him down he wakes up. I’ve read so many things online but nothing even remotely helps.
Today I pretty much let him cry it out (more like screaming) while I stood next to his crib and held his hand. After 25 minutes he finally stopped and fell asleep. But he was awake a few minutes later. Then he put his fist in his mouth and started cooing. He acts like he just slept for hours (he ended up falling asleep again though). He never has slept for very long either. He pretty much always naps for only an hour. Even when he was a newborn he wouldn’t sleep as much as I was told newborns do. He has pretty much slept through the night since he was a month old too (8PM-5/6AM). His doctors told me that was wrong. But I’m going to follow what he naturally does.
Hi Summer
Did you find something that worked for you? I am in a very similar situation – my 4mo has never slept as much as he is ‘supposed’ to – 2 or 3 40min catnaps through the day and about 12 hours at night with a couple feeds. Until recently I was able to rock him to sleep (with difficulty, but we eventually got there), now as soon as I bring him into the room he starts howling and carries on until he is completely exhausted, about 9 or 10pm at present. If I do get him to nod off earlier the slightest disturbance will wake him straight up again. Would love to know how you dealt with this.
I think my little guys problem was that we lived in a house with lots of people and that I had no idea what I was doing. I was living with my parents and few siblings at the time I wrote that and they were usually pretty loud. I usually just let my baby sleep with me or on me though. Looking back that was probably not a good thing to do. But it worked and we got through it. When he was 8 months we were able to move in with my husband and once that happened he slept pretty good by himself. Although, it wasn’t until recently that he falls asleep on his own.
The biggest thing he hated was his crib so we just put his mattress on the floor and removed everything but his toys and our mattress from the room. He’ll play with toys when he wakes up or before he falls asleep, and usually he’ll fall asleep while playing. We just move him to his bed and he sleeps for 9 hours about. He doesn’t have a set bedtime or anything.
I know what I’m saying isn’t exactly advice. Every baby is different though. Some like space while sleeping and others seem to love cuddles. Whatever you’re little man wants should be the way to go. He may want you to sleep next to him or be close by while he sleeps.
Alexis
I have a 6mo daughter. She has always been a very finicky sleeping. My wife keeps her in bed at night. Currently she works 9pm-1am and while I am watching her I cannot get her settled after I put her down. She falls asleep on me with no problem and will stay asleep for hours. The second I put her down she screams. If I let her go for more than 5 minutes or so she starts to scream so hard that she chokes. That is the point where I usually cannot help myself and I pick her up. She then falls asleep on me again and we start over. Lately she fights sleep and is not easy to keep asleep.
Long story short, I am looking for advice. You had mentioned that you have a nak for finding sleeping solutions. Again, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Did you ever find a good solution? I am currently in a similar situation with my daughter..
Hi Alexis,
Let me tell you your nap guide saved our lives when our daughter was small. I need help now! She has learned to crawl, wriggle and roll and is an incredibly active baby. She is almost 7 months and wakes around 10-4 a.m. and wriggles and rolls and turns and crawls around and his her head on the crib, she’ll sit up and not be able to lie back down, also, and cries and cries and yells and gurgles until we re-swaddle her and leave her with a bottle, and she will go back to sleep. Then she breaks out of the swaddle at some point and starts over. Unfortunately, usually around this time she also has a poopy diaper, so I feel awful letting her run around the crib and cry it out with the dirty diaper. I know we need to break the bottle/swaddle thing and we have before for periods of time and she slept great for months until now, with the added mobility and poopy diapers I don’t know what do do! Help!
Hi!
My 4 month old is extremely resistant to napping. No matter how little awake time I do with her she starts to scream as soon as I start to initiate a nap. Holding her and rocking her and bouncing her down take the edge off, she continues to scream. I use a tight swaddle, loud white noise, a dark room, a pacifier, and a swing. No matter what I do I cannot seem to get her the least bit drowsy without nursing her – all my efforts just amp up her screaming and she seems to almost jump out of my arms. Is it possible that CIO could be what she needs, even at this young?
Did you ever find a solution? This sounds just like us.
Sooo this is our 3 month old. We have learned that making sleep and nap time slightly fun by keeping the lights on and only turning the white noise on only when she’s having her bedtime feed. Before, the room would be dark and white noise would be on and once I walked into the room she would SCREAM. Now she smiles through the swaddle as long as we talk to her. She still will protest a little but it’s not crazy like it was and it seems that she falls asleep easier. This is what worked for us. Good luck!
HELP! How many does should CIO take? My 6 month old was waking every 30-45 mins. She always goes to sleep/back to sleep easily but she wakes up ALL the time. We’ve been trying some sleep training methods and things are getting better. First we started with Ferber, going in and soothing periodically, but she would just get so upset, arching her back and screaming we thought it would be better if we didn’t go in at all. So for the past week we’ve been doing CIO. It is getting a little better. MOST of the time she whimpers and puts herself back to sleep, but sometimes she will scream for an hour. I feel like a monster not going in and picking her up. My question is: is there a certain time period to try CIO before admitting defeat? Also, she sleeps better at night on days she is at daycare (where she doesn’t nap as well). So should I only let her take short 30 min naps at home if that really is helping??
Hey Alexis, I am back again – this time on a different post. Listen, you are awesome & I hope you know this. And I am saying this even when I haven’t actually tried any of your techniques ‘YET’. I am sending advance apologies for the long drama that’s about to follow. I keep reading your articles/blog & comments from fellow moms/dads everyday just to keep my sanity intact. Sometimes I read twice, thrice just so I know the lines by heart. Also, my daughter slept surprisingly well on that lovely day when I first landed on your page – so I thought you were a kind of good luck charm that sent my daughter to sleep-land. You know what I mean right?
Synopsis:
Talking about sleep-land, I am in a trouble zone. My sweet little daughter did not know how to sleep from day 1 at the hospital. We put ot down to less feed because I could feed her only 6 hours after I delivered. Add family pressure + engorgement to this, and spent most of the time in the hospital fighting & crying so as to determine why our newborn wasn’t sleeping per norm. We resorted to swaying, rocking and co-sleeping as desperate new parents. Since she is our firstie, we almost had and still have our doubts & fears. Especially, Me the Mommy
The Trouble Zone:
I live in India. No, that’s not the trouble. The shortcomings are that there are no such things such as disciplined traffic where you can take your baby for a ride, there are no house gardens where you can have a swing. And, there are no households that support baby-rearing the way it’s done in the other countries. So, the sweet little peanut that I delivered is a week shy of turning 3 months (she is running 82 days at the moment). Like I said, I have been rocking (dancing and swaying involved) her to sleep from day 1. After I solved the lactation issues, I am now able to sufficiently feed her and sometimes she nurses to sleep. But, rocking has been the main sleep driver. Also, she is a very very light sleeper. The next door neighbour snores, SHE WAKES UP. The cat mews, SHE WAKES UP. We talk softly, SHE WAKES UP. Somehow she has settled into a nighttime mild routine where I struggle on a bouncy bed and do my wild sit ups or walk madly like a tribal dancer and then past 11 P.M. she sleeps until 3 then wakes up for a feed (she fidgets in sleep moaning and whining to give me the cue). Then she is up every two or three hours for a feed. Until 7 A.M after which all glory is lost and she goes into what you call the crap naps. (This is a famous name in my family now, lol). As I write this, I am petrified she’ll move her sleep time to 1 or 2 P.M (or being awake all night) like how she was on more than five nights. Phew!
The thing is her naps are totally unstructured (I am waiting for the Alexis-suggested 3 months) to change this but what worries me more is the fact that she won’t sleep for more than 20 minutes if we are not around. She hates the swaddle thing, hates the pacifier too and outside noise is definitely more than white noise in our place. We have something called the ‘Thooli/Palna’ in India which is similar to a swing but she needs to be constantly swung in the same for her to sleep beyond 20 minutes. Yesterday, we were on a car ride and I had to rock her within the car all the two hours plus at the houses where we stopped so she would stop crying and sleep. The whole family gives me a poor-thing look and I end up feeling lost, especially since darling husband comes over only during weekends. So, last night in order to cut down on the rocking, I shifted her bath time to 7 P.M, minimal lights, nursing then a little bit of rocking. As expected, she woke up in half hour flat the moment I put her down. I couldn’t do another rock-a-baby so I sent parents out of the room, put her in my lap, patted. She cried for a good 3 minutes, slowed down then cried for 2 more minutes again & slept for an hour before waking up to eat (it was feed-due). This morning I let her whimper/ cry for a while before I picked her up and got her to sleep with fluffy pillows at the sides (I am monitoring her though). Anything to make her sleep beyond 20 minutes. I sincerely don’t approve of CIO, and I know we haven’t got anywhere with just one day of trial but I would like to know if you approve. From rocking I want to move to patting or nursing (when the feed is due) for naps and for bedtime just patting and transfer to bed with pillows because she is anyway going to sleep with us in the same room. She isn’t very happy with swing / paci / swaddle and I am already giving her colic drops on fussy evenings so I am at my wits end to make something work out. Mind you, she is a very frequent nurser because she likes to nurse for a while, drop off and come back soon. It’s like having growth spurts every day. Am I letting her cry too much? And while she cries, I am crying too so it’s like unhappy evenings all over the place. I lock myself with her at 7 P.M every single day, unfailingly.
I am staying with my parents currently and will move to one more place before I can settle down at my husband’s in three months from now. I know these are too many movements too soon but can’t help it buddy!
Please let me know if I can continue to let her cry and keep patting plus transferring to bed with pillows. Or should I go back to the swing where I don’t have the fluffy pillows to mimic me. Oh I forgot to tell you, mine is a baby that too much Moro reflex until before few days
P.S. My fingers are aching from having typed this essay on a small smartphone but not as much my back did when I rocked her the last two days in a jumpy little car.
Oh btw, I love my little one everytime I look at her, and it’s making me weepy every day 🙂
Our nighttime routine with our 3 month old consists of getting him changed, nursing him, and then rocking him to his lullaby music. Then I swaddle him in a sleep sack, leaving one arm free so he can suck his thumb. I place him in his bassinet and he is sound asleep for 3-4 hours. Then when he wakes up at night, I pick him up, offer him a breast, and then cuddle him until he falls back asleep. However, when I go to put him back in his bassinet, he wakes up and get so upset! He kicks his legs and gets so agitated and cries. As soon as I pick him up, he stops crying. Usually, he isn’t even hungry when he wakes up. He just wants comfort. When I put him down and he cries, should I be picking him back up to comfort him again and again, or just let him fuss? He will cry for 2 minutes perhaps, before he starts sucking his thumb and falls back asleep. Is this cry it out or just him fussing to figure out what he needs? Why do I feel guilty about letting him cry and why do people make me feel guilty when I tell them I let him cry for a couple minutes? Am I denying him his needs for extra comfort? Should I just let him sleep on me and not let him fuss for those couple minutes alone in his bassinet?
My daughter only cries at night between 9pm to 1 or 2 am. She doesn’t cry all day. After 6 weeks, I had had enough. I wasnt able to perform at work or spend quality time with her because I was exhausted. I let her cry it out for a week and she then was crying from 9am to 12. By the second week she was a sleep by 11. By the third week it was between 9pm to 10 pm witching hour… I cradled my first daughter for 6 months. It was awful. My wife would not let me let her cry it out. She finally gave up and let me take over and my Sofia was sleeping through the night in three weeks. Don’t listen to fools who tell you crying it out is bad. Is it awould to go through? Of course. But if you’re going to take care of your baby, you have to take care of yourself. You need sleep. Let them cry, that is their exercise. Also, there is a difference between cry it out and neglect.
babies at that age need to feed every few hours…not sleep through the night. Sure its great for you, but their stomach does not hold enough food to go more than a few hours without their blood sugar dropping. Sleep training is useful and effective, when your baby can hold enough in their stomach to be comfortable all night. That usually doesn’t happen till 4-6mths. Crying it out isn’t bad, but theres a reason it took your daughter so long to adjust…cry it out when done right should only take 2-7days to take effect
Oh my this to me sounds horrific to let a 6 week old CIO! I feel sorry for your baby!
I need some serious advice. I’m a first time mom, and my little guy is three months. He’s been sleeping through the night since 7/8 weeks and usually has no problem going down. I should also mention that he sleeps in his crib and has pretty much since he’s been born. However, the only way he will sleep or nap during the day is on me. As much as I try to do all the things we do before he goes down for the night (bottle, swaddle, rock in the chair, sound in the back ground), he wakes up within minutes of putting him down for a nap. I’ll try again, and again, and again. If I hold him, he’ll easily sleep on me for an hour to two hours. This is what I’ve been allowing him to do because I’d rather him get sleep during the day than be cranky. I’m so confused how he can be such an awesome night time sleeper on his own, but can’t do it during the day? I’m really hoping that you can give me some insight or tips on how to work through this.
Hi Kathryn! Did you find any solutions? We’re approaching the same issue with my almost three month old. Good night time sleeper (though hard to get down at bedtime) but will not nap unless held the entire time. Even if I wait 30-60 minutes before putting him down he wakes up within ten minutes. I’ve read they don’t learn to consolidate naps till somewhat older but shouldn’t they be able to sleep somewhat during the day? Let me know if you figured anything out 🙂
Exact same with my 3.5 month old. Do you have any updated advice? I know this post is pretty old.
Hi Jade, it emailed me that you’d replied to my post. My son eventually started taking long naps around 11 months. I know that’s not very hopeful. We tried numerous strategies and did resort to graduated cry it out after he was a little older. It helped with going down at bedtime for sure and he started napping in his crib, but his naps never extended beyond 40 minutes. So if I knew he was tired I’d hold him the rest of the nap, or we’d just try to get a quick evening nap in if he hasn’t slept much that day, or maybe to bed earlier. I’m starting out with number two whose only a few weeks old but already a totally different sleeper, so I’m no expert by any means but there has to be a certain amount of sleep disposition to it. My son goes hard and has always had a hard time shutting down, but that personality has its wonderful aspects too. Good luck!
I don’t think anyone will respond since this is an old post but my baby who is 2 months old his whole life he hysterical cries when he is hungry. Sometimes I just can’t move fast enough especially in the middle of the night. Sometimes he gets that way i give him his pacifier and he falls back to sleep. I don’t pick him up right away. Then I go heat up his milk. He sometimes cries that entire time and during his changing. I’m scared I’m torturing him and he is hating me for letting him cry. I kind of feel like it’s the test the waters idea you said and it made me feel better, but I still feel bad. Also he doesn’t love being held all the time. I think it is his reflux he prefers to be up right or in his bouncer. I just hope we are bonding and I’m not putting any strain on our relationship because he goes from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds.
To Thank you: my baby was going 0-60. He is8 weeks today. Just last week he started at daycare and they feed him so much more- 4oz bottles instead of 3. He instantly stopping going 0-60. Even in the middle of the night he is much more patient. I think going from about 20oz a day to 28oz made the difference. He has so much to eat in the day he doesn’t feel the night is as important. My lactation consultant approved trying to drop a night feeding and going 5hrs without a nighttime feeding. I am trying to get him happy with that now! He is much easier!
HI Alexis,
I have similar concerns as all the other mothers who commented. It would do us all a great deal of help. If you answered the rest of the posts. Then you can disable new posts because almost all of the issues are already addressed. Thanks for the support.
Huh?
I don’t answer all comments because site-wide I get too many. I’m not sure which issue here you’re referring to so not sure what you’re looking for. I could turn off comments entirely but haven’t because a) sometimes people answer each other and b) I do occasionally chime in on comments. Even on old posts.
My daughter is a little over 6 months old and was a fantastic sleeper…until about 2 weeks ago. She went from being able to go down at 730 after having a bottle and sleeping until 6 am to still going to bed at 730 (we have maintained the bedtime routine), but then waking up around 10 pm and not being able to get back to sleep. We were going in there to hold her, feed her, etc and then put her back down again, at which point she would sleep for another few hours and wake up AGAIN (maybe 3-4 hours later). Usually she doesn’t need a bottle in the night although sometimes we give her one. It doesn’t take her long to go back to sleep after her wake ups but I would like to eliminate them completely. We tried doing cry it out last night and she screamed for over an hour, even with us checking and comforting her, as soon as we put her back in the crib she would start up again. We tried just staying next to the crib and patting her chest/head and soothing her with words, or even picking her up for a minute and putting her back down, but nothing worked. She even was trying to self soothe by sucking her thumb but was too upset to even quiet herself, after a while. I am not sure what we did wrong. The only thing that got her to stop was, around 11:30 pm, feeding her a bottle (which she ate with vigor) and putting her to bed at which point she actually slept until I woke her up at 630 for the day. So, maybe she was hungry but since she had been sleeping through all night I didn’t think she was. What are we doing wrong? Is she too young for sleep training yet? Is this a growth spurt that is just extra long? Thanks for your help everyone
Wow, so many posts with situations quite similar to what we are experiencing with our first child, a 4.5 mo old girl. Some of the stories here are identical to our own.
Fellow exasperated parents: I feel for you. It can be tough, especially for the tougher sex, you ladies. For my wife, it’s emotionally and physically draining especially as a newbie parent and I’m sure it feels like Groundhog Day to her. I honestly think it’s more difficult for the parent than the child many times because we parents don’t want to see our children upset. As parents we have our mental checklists we run down when meeting our children’s needs and if we’ve checked all the boxes to no avail that’s where the frustration and self-doubt begins.
Fact: no one wants to hear their baby cry–we’re hard wired to deplore the sound of it. We want to help them. Next fact: EVERY baby cries. They are all the same in that regard.
While my wife and I feel 4.5 months is too young for our little girl to just cry it out, we are noticing that she is gradually becoming more and more self aware and willful as her personality and mind develops. Eventually some of our baby’s needs (rocking to sleep, car rides, swing etc.) will become baby’s wants and at that point, our child will have to learn to soothe herself to sleep. It’s maturation step that they all have to do sooner or later (when they’re ready). After all, we can’t co-sleep with them til age 18. Mom and dad have needs (and wants) too!
Hang in there all, it’s going to get better. Funny that tough times drag on, but how fast do the hours go when your child is all smiles for you?
I was curious what others opinions were on this.
Someone said this was CIO, but for me it really didn’t feel like it. It felt like “testing the waters”, and I guess I was just looking for some verification of that.
LO is three and a half months old, and would sleep great at night. So no issues there. Her naps were a nightmare, and would only sleep in a carrier on me, which was taking its toll (as she was over nine pounds when born). She wasn’t even letting me sit in the rocker anymore. Had to be up, and moving.
Finally, I couldn’t take it. So with advice, I started putting her in her bed once she nodded off. Then go into her and carry her to help extend her naps. Then after a week, started putting her down drowsy, and hand on chest and paci, helped shush her to sleep. Then rocked when she woke up half an hour later. Then she surprised me and slept an hour and a half without a peep.
So now, I put her down for her naps after routine, and there’s a few minutes of crying (depending on the nap) maybe a cry as she moves from one cycle to another, but she’s sleeping in her bed, and she’s so much happier now than when she was sleep deprived doing short naps in the crib (I did attempt to back track just to get her to sleep, but she didn’t want to sleep in the carrier anymore!)
We did have to take the pacifier away, because it would fall out and she’d wake up. She has discovered she has a thumb and uses it quite often now.
Was that CIO, or testing the waters? I can’t tell. It didn’t feel like CIO, because I didn’t break down crying, and she never cried for more than five minutes straight….
That is not CIO. I hope nobody is making you feel guilty over it, because it sounds like you did a great job, and your little one is responding to the changes really well.
I had two people tell me it was CIO. I had one person pretty much say that I was a monster for making my three month old baby suffer, that they’re not capable of learning to self soothe at such a young age.
Sort of, what I’m doing is akin to the babies in orphanages who’ve learned not to cry because no one will respond.
Which is why I wanted verification.
She uses her thumb and massages her musical doggies ear while she goes off to sleep.
Even at eight weeks, she seemed to soothe herself by rolling her head from side to side in the middle of the night (again, used to do that as a kid when I had trouble falling asleep)
I’m trying so hard not to cry, (probably because I’m sleep deprived) but also because the thought of anyone (even a complete stranger) thinking I just let my baby scream and cry until she passed out from exhaustion makes me nauseous to my stomach.
It’s resulted in some back peddling, as I was in there picking her up and calming her down for her nap. As a result she spent thirty minutes falling asleep instead of ten.
Ugh. I’m so sorry that other people are making you doubt yourself. The thing is, that many babies are capable of self-soothing at that age, and you know this, because yours DOES self-soothe! And your baby’s situation is nothing like an orphanage. She might cry a little before sleep, but I have no doubt that you spend the rest of the day taking care of her and loving her and showering her with affection. (Off my soapbox here. I hate it when people try to pile guilt on parents for doing what they believe is right…)
Who cares what you call it? She learned a new skill BEAUTIFULLY, you identified what WAS and WASN’T working, you made appropriate changes, and everybody is better off.
The label “CIO” is meaningless really (we just recorded a podcast on this exact topic) – kids cry sometimes because they do. This is not a tragedy. Learning how to fall asleep independently is an essential life skill. You and she nailed it. Heather is 100% right – you did a great job.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know you get tons of comments.
It really means a lot that you took the time to verify this.
I guess when I hear CIO I think of hours of hysterical screaming. I wanted to “train” her asap so I wouldn’t have to cope with that later on.
But three months is that maybe-maybe-not age.
I’m a FTM, and every where I turn I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. So it’s nice to know “No, you did not just emotionally scar your child because you let them cry for four minutes.”
Hello,
My 4 month old (18 weeks, to be exact) has decided that 5:00am is going to be his new wake up time for the day. He used to sleep till 6 (sometimes 7!!) but now he’s up at 5/5:30 and ready to party. I’ve tried treating it like a night feed – keeping it dark; no interaction but he is legitimately awake and ready to start his morning and won’t go back to sleep. I think it MAY have started when I moved his bedtime a little earlier (from 7:30/8 to around 6:30) but last night I put him to bed at 7:30 and he woke at 5 still. Any advice?? (I still have him in our bedroom at night btw – am planning on transitioning to the crib/nursery at night in the next few weeks.)
I moved his bedtime earlier, by the way, because he’s still taking 4 naps a day. He can’t go longer than 1.5-2 hours without a nap, so rather than giving him a late afternoon/early evening nap, I moved his bedtime up. I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do or not — and I’ve read so many conflicting things on how long between naps a baby this age should be awake – some even saying 2 1/2 hours between naps is good.
What are we supposed to do when there is also a toddler to take care of? I have a newborn that won’t sleep longer than 40 mins at a time during the day.. it then takes just as much time or longer to resettle her, often resulting in her becoming over tired. I also have a 19 month old at home. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do other than let her cry once her dad is back at work and it’s just me??? The last thing I want to do is let her cry but I feel there will be no other option.
Juggling 2 kids is a huge challenge for EVERYBODY. Generally you buy yourself free time by bribing toddlers with snacks and screen time (this is a temporary phase, so I’m not suggesting plunking kids in front of the TV is a life strategy in general ;). And many newborns only nap for 40 minutes. It’s fine for your newborn to grumble a bit and yes there will be times your toddler NEEDS you and the baby will have to deal while you tend to the needs of your older child. But truthfully for newborns sleep training isn’t going to solve the issue in terms of sleep.
Hi!
My son is 5.5 months old. As a newborn I was so lucky….he slept great 6-7 hour stretches. He hit the 3/4 month sleep regression at 3 months and it’s been AWFUL since. He is now rolling everywhere so we pulled his Merlin sleep suit. He sleeps in his crib.
As of late, we are up every 1.5 hours. He used to wake up and cry, but self soothe within 10 minutes. Anymore, we push 15-20 minutes and he’s still crying. Going in generally can upset him more. We have tried some of the gentler sleep training methods at 4/4.5 months. But nothing works. Do we just let him go until he falls back asleep at this point?? Nothing helps and there’s ‘no reason’ for him to be up every hour. I’m so exhausted and don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel terrible.
Hi!
This is a comment on the updated/rewritten post. I totally get that there is no set age for teaching sleep. However., after reading your book (multiple times) to get my daughter to sleep (she’s two now), I seem to remember a consistent bedtime schedule as a major tool in the independent sleep arsenal. I am sitting in my nursing chair holding my 3-week old son now at 3:30 in the morning looking gleefully to that day when he can fall asleep without me—but.I know that’s not developmentally appropriate right now since we don’t have a set bedtime yet. So I guess my question/comment is: isn’t there a threshold when the baby really IS too young for independent sleep (because the sleep schedule is all over the place)? There is this tortuous X period of time in which you cannot reasonably expect the baby to fall asleep if you aren’t actively doing something (or the swing is doing something or the car etc). Please correct me if I’m wrong since I’m already over the whole ”putting the baby to sleep” (and like I said, it’s only been 3 weeks). I love your blog and book and Facebook group btw! Thank you for helping us sleep!!!
So newborns don’t have a “bedtime” because they’re essentially napping around the clock. Which is why your 3 week old will frustratingly take a 3-4 hour nap in the middle of the day then be wiiiide awake from midnight till 3 am. And the consolidation of sleep into discrete day/night chunks IS a developmental milestone that takes roughly 2 months (give or take) to fully develop. so having a predictable bedtime takes time because for a long time your newborn never really goes to sleep “at night” but is napping periodically and somewhat randomly. It’s a tough time full stop.
The fact that she’s napping doesn’t meant that independent sleep is impossible at this age. It’s not ESSENTIAL and most parents are too beat up/exhausted to fuss about it. And some newborns cry A LOT making everything stressful enough that nobody wants to bother. Also independent sleep in the first month or two doesn’t really help them sleep better so there is no real impetus to force the issue. And without a well established circadian rhythm your sleep drive is dinkier than it is later which means falling to sleep is HARDER (talking bedtime here) in the early months than it is later when the circadian rhythm IS locked in.
Thus I wouldn’t say too young. And certainly some easy babies (roughly ~30%) are falling asleep on their own from the getgo because that’s who they are. Other babies are capable but it may be harder because of the lower sleep drive and unpredictability of WHEN they’re going to sleep making it hard to aim for the “right” time. So harder? Sure. Impossible? Nah. Worth the effort? Doubtful.
Hi Alexis,
Thanks for clearing that up! So the biggest impediment to newborns sleeping isn’t falling asleep independently but having their Circadian rhythms develop. That makes a lot of sense. I’ll definitely put in more effort in a month or so with my son to sleep independently. I didn’t discover your website until my daughter was a few months old and by that time, we had already gotten into some bad habits.
Thank you!
Hi Alexis,
Thank you for the wonderful post and the information. I wanted to pick your brain about your thoughts of sleep training and 8 week old. I’ve had a relatively “high needs baby”, that has required a ridiculous amount of rocking to sleep. I could spend over an hour rocking, sunshine, swinging her to sleep. To the point where my sanity is waning.
I wanted to start the path to independent sleep. I have no qualms that she will sleep through the night…that’s not the goal at this point. More so getting her to independently fall asleep at bedtime. We have a routine, etc.
Last night, we did the routine, and put her down. As soon as I put her down, her eyes popped wide open and she started crying. Both my partner and I had agreed that we CIO. She cried for 54 minutes (it was agonizing), before finally passing out. Unfortunately, she woke up 30 min later. At that point, I did pick her up and feed her. We put her back to sleep after another wake cycle, no problem.
Just wanted to know your thoughts on sleep training an 8 week old.
Thanks!
Hi, my little one is 1 day away from being 12 weeks/3 months old… now, let me start out saying I’ve read every possible angle, situation, book, blog, forum, etc. On doing this and nothing seems to work no matter how hard I try. She naps great now!! First nap usually 4 hours but second nap is questionable at whether she will even get a nap or not.. sometimes 2-3hours sometimes no nap at all from being so fussy and over tired. She has been sleeping in her crib successfully since 6 weeks maybe sooner( lost track of time ) because she was a early learner and started rolling at 3 weeks. So swaddle is out of the question, not to memtion, SHE HATES IT!!! her problem is night time. She gets tired and fussy after awake time of 1.5 hours 2 hours max… after that is the overtired train that everyone jumps on because that means LONG NIGHT FOR BOTH OF US… I started weaning a little early just incase sleep training was in her near future… she rocks/bounces right to sleep for nap time no problem… not even needing to nurse… but night time…. total reverse… like shes not even the kid I’ve been with all day.. nursing, rocking, bouncing, nothing works.. cant even get her to calm down … and when she does she is hungry again … so my question is not only what am I doing wrong, if anything please tell me… and when should ( of shes ready) I let her cry it out?? 🙁 I don’t understand how she can be a magnificent napper and horrible night sleeper. We have resorted to putting her in her swing and paci/bottle switch out until she falls asleep usually around 2:30-3 A.M!!!!! I know she’s exhausted, before she was taking great naps she was staying awake till 5 am and sleeping till noon … with no naps at all.. it has been a slow gradual process but everyone keeps telling me there Is light at the end of the tunnel… where is it?? Cuz it’s looking pretty dim. Lol I read sleep breeds sleep. So reinforcing the naps was a must at the time. And shes an awesome/easy baby… no gas, colic, etc. So that’s not it. Her diaper is changed regularly, burped , clean and dry. But she refuses to go to sleep at night and I mean anywhere. Not even the swing until atleast 2 am. I know shes beyond exhausted and I dont want to slow/hinder her learning abilities with her not sleeping. HELP!!! p.s any advice would be beyond greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance
We started CIO with my 4 month old 1.5 weeks ago not because she had formed a negative sleep association, but because we couldn’t find anything else that would soothe her at night. In fact most of the soothing things we tried (white noise, pacifier, swaddle, Merlin suit, dark, rocking, pacing, baby wearing) had the opposite effect. They became clues that sleep was coming. She has a relatively early bedtime, 6:30, because she tends to take a crappy late nap.
CIO went great for the first 3 nights and got down to 5 minutes and then the crying started to increase, Last night she cried for 2 hours. During the day she can fall asleep by being rocked, but hasn’t fallen asleep independently yet. I feel like her naps have become more problematic since we started CIO and I’m wondering if we should just rip off the bandaid and do CIO for naps as well or continue to “make naps happen” by rocking or letting her sleep on the go? Is she too young for CIO at all?
She sleeps great once she falls asleep, wakes 1 or 2 times, always to eat, and goes right back to sleep. I think her sleep duration has lengthened since starting CIO.
PS- I’m a pediatric nurse practitioner and was taught NOTHING about sleep training in school. I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to figure out. Props to all the moms out there who are finding their way!
In response to your PS:
I am starting to think that it is unethical how little sleep training is talked about in pre-natal or peri-natal education. Since my baby was three days old, I have been hearing “sleep is so important for maternal well-being” (I’ve screened severe on the PPD scale multiple times at this point) but was given NO actual guidance or support until my new family doctor suggested the book when Babe was around 5 months. This simply shouldn’t be a topic about which new parents have to dig around on the internet only to encounter conflicting methods and information (or shell out hundreds of dollars for guidance).
You are entirely correct. We know that infant sleep is essential to their growth and development so it’s an essential part of THEIR wellness. And the link between sleep distress and depression, anxiety, parental well being, marital stress, etc. are all well established. This feels like a reasonably easy solution – educating parents and providing quality resources so they aren’t hunting in the weeds for 6 months. I volunteer as tribute 😉
Hi everyone- we began CIO (extinction) 10 nights ago with our LO who turned 5 months old 3 days ago. 5 of the 10 nights (2 of them being night 9 and night 10), she’s cried over 70minutes. I’ve heard that the crying is supposed to get gradually less, but my LO’s crying doesn’t seem to be getting gradually less. I’m discouraged because I didn’t expect her to cry over 70min on day 9 and day 10 (which was the same amount she cried on day 3). Should I be worried that she’s never going to cry less than an hour?