So you’re thinking about cry it out? Maybe you’ve spent the past 2 weeks furiously Googling sleep training (which is probably how you landed here). You’re exhausted and miserable. Your baby is exhausted and miserable. And you’re wondering if cry it out is the answer for you. Well I don’t know if it is or it isn’t. Contrary to what you read on that gas station bathroom, convincing people to embrace cry it out not my raison d’être.
But I do know a lot about it. So before you jump into the CIO side of the pool you should consider this CIO checklist…
Are You Ready for CIO?
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Baby is 6 months old or older.
For younger babies you have many soothing sleep tools in your arsenal and you should use them with wild abandon. Also younger babies shouldn’t be expected to have mastered self soothing skills. You wouldn’t expect your 3 month old to master potty training, similiarly it’s not fair to ask them to fall asleep on their own either. With CIO, generally, older is better.
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Baby is chronically sleep deprived.
If your baby is getting significantly less sleep than they should, then they’re probably chronically sleep deprived. And if so, I can guarantee that you are too.
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You have an object permanence problem.
Cry it out is a technique to solve the basic issue that “baby can’t fall asleep on their own.” We each struggle with various flavors of this (nursing to sleep, rocking to sleep, only will sleep with pacifier, etc.) but once your baby becomes old enough, putting your baby 100% to sleep will guarantee that they sleep poorly, wake often, and take short crappy naps all day long.
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You’ve tried everything possible and it hasn’t worked.
CIO is the option of last resort. You’ve tried everything (made adjustments with scheduling, modified their sleep environment, have a consistent wind-down sleep routine, etc.) and still nobody is sleeping.
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Baby doesn’t have any medical complications.
Colds, fevers, and teething will all exacerbate cry it out. Underlying issues like reflux may also turn CIO into a long prolonged mess (crying often irritates already inflamed reflux tummies). Which is not to say that reflux babies can’t and shouldn’t try CIO, but to be aware that (like everything else for refluxing babies), it may be a rougher affair than for a non-reflux baby.
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Baby is in a safe place.
Ideally this is the crib, although co-sleeping parents can also use cry it out as a sleep training technique (more on this later). Couches, adult beds, or any other surface where they could fall and get injured are not OK.
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You are committed.
Do or not do, there is no try. – Yoda (I’ll be writing more about this in a later post but Yoda sums it up nicely.)
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The vote is unanimous.
This is not the time to have a marital squat or guilt-trip each other. If you and your partner are in vehement disagreement about sleep training, then you aren’t ready to do it.
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You’ll be able to maintain a consistent schedule.
Sleep training is not something to launch into the weekend before you hop on a plane to Brussels. Find a time where you’ll be able to maintain a consistent schedule and sleep location for day/night sleep for a few weeks.
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Consider a night-vision baby monitor
These are expensive items (ranging $100-$200) but if you’re going to try cry it out you are paying for piece of mind. Also they will help you resist the urge to peek.
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Did you answer “YES” to all 10 questions? If so we all wish you the best of luck: may be it be brief and effective. Check back in for more post on “how to” and “what to expect” for cry it out.
If some NOs snuck in there then you’re not ready for sleep training. And that’s OK. Keep it on the back burner and continue trying to make things better. Work on removing feedings from sleep, consistency of naps and bedtime, develop a soothing sleep routine that everybody enjoys, and start chipping away at the chronic sleep deprivation.
Anybody wrestling with this decision? Have any CIO stories to share?
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I think this is a great checklist all written in one place.
PS my breast fed 3 month old slept for 10 hours last night and she has been transitioning to daycare JUST fine. Thanks for assuring me it will all be okay. The information here has been invaluable.
Woo hoo! 10 hours is pretty awesome for a 3 month old. This must go a long way towards helping you show up at work not feeling like a pile of spitup 😉
I knew I never should have said anything, now she’s been getting up all hours. She use to take a binky and spit it out when she was ready to sleep, the last few days she has kept it in her mouth and now wakes when it falls out. *doh* I am going to try to pull it out at the time she use to spit it out. Every time you think you know the sleep patterns, it all changes.
Haha I hear you! When my son was 2.5 months he was sleeping stretches of 5-7 hours every night for several weeks. I should have known better than to announce that happy fact to family and friends–he immediately went back to being up every 3 hours or more.
Can you put her to bed w/o the binky? Because if it’s causing problems (a la up all night) maybe it’s time for it to go 🙁
Also it’s totally usual for a 3 month old to wake up a few times a night. Exhaustingly usual. Sorry she “teased” you with those awesome nights….
we’re going to go for it tonight and do our best to soothe her without it. We will get through this too!
What a joy when they do sleep through the night!
….and do it regularly!
My youngest is almost 3 and I, like a sip of a fine wine, I still sometimes pause to appreciate the beauty of a good night sleep 😉
My son is 5 1/2 months and I remain committed to avoiding this road. I will only go there if we are a sleep deprived mess in 2 or 3 months. Right now we are not a mess and we are trying very hard every day to help him learn to fall asleep on his own.
Which is a great goal to have! Nobody, I mean NOBODY, walks out of the hospital with that impossibly small 8 lb bundle thinking, “OK we’ll put some time in with the whole attachment parenting thing but seriously dude, if you don’t figure out the sleeping thing it’s crying for you buddy!”
But BTW – if it DOES turn out that you have to suffer a few rough nights to get everybody sleeping (at some point in the future) that’s totally OK too.
What is rough?? We tried fully committed CIO… No going back in there. She screamed for 3 1/2 hours!! That can’t be healthy. All these CIO websites say “an hour” “20 minutes”… I want to hear from the mom that isn’t sleeping; hasn’t slept in 10 months for more than 2 hours; is breastfeeding and co-sleeping; is a working mom… Who travels and has to leave her baby… Has TRIED IT ALL… who has listened to her baby girl scream for three hours for multiple nights… I want to hear from that mom… When do you say “baby not ready”? 4 hours?? Is that even responsible parenting?
For starters, I don’t like to use terms like “responsible parenting” for many reasons.
What I’m hearing is that you had a bad experience and are feeling prickly and resentful about it, “Where are these one hour babies and why didn’t that happen for us?” In my experience when things go really south there is almost always some small niggling detail tripping you up. When I do consults with people I can always find it. Why can I when they can’t? Well I know a lot about it. And probably more importantly, unlike 99% of parents, I’m not (currently) severely sleep deprived. That makes a HUGE difference.
And I’m pretty sure that’s why you had a 4 hour run. Also – truthfully – getting a co-sleeping baby out of your bed is one of the hardest things to do. Not impossible (and certainly the 4 hours wouldn’t entirely be related to that) but it’s going to be hard. One of my issues with co-sleeping is that there is often no elegant transition OUT of it – many kids are really locked into that sleep association of being WITH you. So for parents who don’t want a child in their bed for 6 years, this can be a real challenge.
Typically the things you want to look at is:
– is it the right bedtime
– Are you doing checks (which almost always exacerbate things)
– Is there an environmental issue
– Are you trying to do naps concurrently (this is almost always a mistake)
Hope that helps!
Hi, we haven’t yet decided if we need to do CIO yet, but I’ve been reading your posts and trying to research pitfalls ahead of time. Why would it be bad to tackle naps concurrently? Our 5-month-old cannot self-soothe until the 10:30 to 7 am stretch. He ends up needing assistance for most naps and bedtime and screams bloddy murder (with the nighttime exception). So we are afraid if we start any CIO for bedtime but end up helping him to sleep other times that we’ll just self-sabotage and have him cry longer/harder at bedtime. Any thoughts would be very appreciated, thanks!
This post is a goldmine of information for parents and I’ll be sure to let my clients know about it. Besides all 10 considerations, I appreciate that parents are given a choice to do what is right for them. There are never “one size fits all” answers in raising babies and this post respects all.
Keyuri,
Goldmine is a bit strong but thank you for your kind words 😉 I’ve been hesitant to launch into a whole series on CIO but the truth is I’m constantly getting questions about it (generally in email because nobody wants to go public about such a thing) so there it is 😉
What age is CIO recommended for? My LO is a good sleeper but only after I have rocked him and I must use white noise (sometimes only the vacuum will put him to sleep.). He is 2 months old now. We only use a swing after I get him to sleep as the bassinet will only work for a max of 15 minutes. I am concerned he will be too dependent on me, white noise and the swing. Thanks for your advice!
As I suggest here, it is really a tool for older (6+ months) babies. At 2 months I’m not at ALL concerned that he needs the swing, rocking, and white noise. This is totally NORMAL for a newborn! Newborns need lots of soothing.
Do you know what would happen if you just put him in his crib and waited for him to figure out how to fall asleep? He would cry and cry and cry. You would cry. Nobody would sleep. You would feel terrible, go get him, and go back to the rocking and white noise.
When he is older he won’t need as much soothing but there is no need to worry about that now 🙂
For the Cry it out Method, do I use the same technique for naps? Is it okay for me to try this method, when my baby is overtired?
I have been putting my son down for naps/and sleep by rocking. He is now 7 months, and it is time for him to learn to fall asleep on his own.
He is currently crying in the next room, and after numerous attempts of trying to put him to sleep, I threw in the towel and decided to do sleep training. He is definitely overtired. I don’t think I can do this. : (
Technically yes. However CIO for naps can be rough – depends on the kids (may or may not work out for you). Basically if the baby cries for 45min-1 hour then you’re done with that nap. You go get him and continue on about your business until the next naptime. Which means you now have a really tired cranky kid on your hands. You have to avoid anything that might result in sleep so no stroller walks or car rides. Then at the next nap time you put him down and repeat the process. Some kids surprise you – cry for 20 minutes and then fall asleep. Other kids cry the entire time and the process goes on for days.
I hope this doesn’t scare you off as my goal is really just to give you information so you can assess how things are going. In my experience CIO is a very powerful bedtime tool but 50/50 for naps. If you are serious about naps you want to commit and really be consistent.
Let us know how things go – OK?
We did CIO with my now 6 month-old son when he was 4 months (guess that was too soon, but it worked with minimal crying) and he now goes down for naps and bedtime like a champ. No crying at all and soothes himself to sleep beautifully. However, he still doesn’t seem to be able to soothe himself when he wakes in the night. He went through a phase (about a week and a half) of sleeping for 8-10 hours straight, but has gradually regressed. Now he’s waking up every 2-3 hours all night– last night it was almost every hour. I just wonder why he isn’t self-soothing. Nothing about his environment is different when he wakes in the night– same white noise playing, same temperature, same scenery, he does not use a binki, sleeps in a sleep sack, so it’s not like ANYTHING is different at all. Why does he initially go to sleep so peacefully, but can’t self-soothe in the middle of the night? I know he is capable of doing it– I have a video monitor and have watched him wake up at 3am, make little noises, toss and turn for 5 minutes, and drift back off. But for the past couple of weeks, no way. As soon as he wakes up, he is crying. Here’s my big decision– do I do CIO in the night also? I have heard that some babies still need to nurse at night. But I know it shouldn’t be every 2 hours! Honestly, I would not mind getting up 3 or 4 times. But every 1-2 hours is crazy. I feel like, if I’m going to nurse him at all, it should be every time he wakes up. After all, how would he know why I am picking him up one time, but not another? He doesn’t understand that it hasn’t been 4 hours yet. Whew– that was a lot. Sorry if I rambled… did I get my point across!?
I’m not sure if I totally know what happened but here is my best guess – you hit the 6 month sleep regression.
http://www.troublesometots.com/the-thing-about-sleep-regressions/
Now that shouldn’t last for weeks and I gather that things have been going on for weeks yes? Probably this is the after effect of the sleep regression in that it creates bad waking habits, he got used to night feeding, who knows? But the bottom line is now he’s up all night and that means you are too.
Have you been feeding him frequently at night? How have you been handling his frequent wakings? Have you been letting him fuss it out or have you been nursing hourly?
If he’s been eating a ton at night then I might try to gradually wean back off the night feedings:
http://www.troublesometots.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-3/
This does take a while but is generally a pretty gentle process.
Another option which I would probably also consider strongly would just be CIO – let him work it out.
If that doesn’t feel right then you could also try daddy soothing. This always sounds like you’re simply punting the problem to your spouse but really – he doesn’t smell like food. And daddy’s are often AMAZINGLY successful getting little ones to fall back asleep with minimal intervention. Give Daddy 2-4 minutes to work his magic. You don’t want this to be a big party, just some gentle soothing, patting, etc. Your goal is to wean it off completely but sometimes this is a nice compromise between nursing constantly and CIO.
I just read this comment, and my son is doing this now too. He is right now 4,5 months (I posted a few weeks ago, during a sleep regression). I have been putting him down awake for naps (at night he is usually almost asleep when we put him down, so the awake bit is a bit tough there, but I try to make sure he is not asleep), and he does fine, doesn’t fuss too much. Some naps/nights I hear him wake up and self soothe and put himself back to sleep without any issue, and sleep a few decent stretches at a time, in between feedings. Other nights, he will wake after what seems every sleep cycle, and will NOT self soothe. He will start crying and will not stop until we give him a paci (and then when he wakes up next time and it’s out of his mouth, he cries to get it back), or if I nurse him. I can’t figure out how we can help him sleep better and be a bit more consistent …
About the paci: I have started HATING those things, because they seem to be creating sleeping issues right now. We never give him the paci to fall asleep, but sometimes when he wakes up, we do give him one if he will not go back to sleep. Should we just go cold turkey and take the away (I don’t see how this could be done gradually)? And do you think it’s best to just remove them from the house altogether and also not use them during the day? And, most importantly, can it harm babies of his age to not have a paci, when they are swaddled and cannot self soothe with their hands (someone told me this)?
Same questions here… ours is almost 6mo, teething, and currently sleeps swaddled. We have been using a binkie to coach him to sleep for naps and bedtime. Should we go cold turkey for naps and nighttime or gradually wean starting with bedtime and go from there?
Katrien,
Does it HARM babies to not have a paci? No. Also few babies figure out how to get their hands into their mouth at this age. More commonly, if not swaddled, their arms just bat into their heads (they’re trying to aim them but lack the fine motor skills to do it) which wakes them (and you) up.
But to the larger issue, what I’m hearing is that you have a suck=sleep association problem. Because he’s effectively asleep when you’re putting him down in his world sucking=sleep. Thus when he sleep cycles throughout the night he needs to suck to fall back to sleep, which is why you’re needing to run in there hourly to pop the hated paci back in.
So yes ditching the paci may help but the REAL issue is separating nursing from sleep at bedtime by at least 20 minutes, and actually putting him down awake. This is the fundamental issue and until that is modified, the night waking is going to continue.
Personally I would stick with the swaddle and loud white noise. People are always trying to get baby out of the swaddle in the hopes they will suck their fingers but lots of babies take a long long time to develop the control needed to get their hands into their mouth when half-asleep at 3:00 AM. So my motto is when in doubt – swaddle.
ps. Rachel? This is your issue too. So it’t not about weaning the paci per se. It’s about removing sucking from sleep time (thus it’s totally ok to use the paci at other points in the day, in the car, etc.)
Make sense?
Thanks, Alexis. It has not been going on for weeks, actually. It has now been 6 days of frequent wakings. Maybe it IS a regression… technically my son isn’t 6 months yet, though. He is 5 1/2. But I suppose that is close enough for a “6 month sleep regression”. Yes, he is nursing constantly, but I know it isn’t because he’s hungry. I know it’s a comfort thing. That child has been on the boob like white on rice since day 1. For a while I was thinking the boob juice was like baby crack for my son, but I learned that it was more just the connection between him and mommy that he loves. I am going to try to take your advice from the article you posted (part 3) and not let him stay on as long, but he doesn’t really stay on long as it is. He only sucks for like 5-7 minutes– just long enough that he is comforted and soothed back to sleep. My guess is that you will tell me not to let him fall asleep while at the breast. Is that correct? He doesn’t need it to fall asleep initially, so I just get so frustrated that he needs it to fall BACK asleep in the night.
I have one more question– what is your advice… if I am trying to get him to wake less to feed, should I be trying to wean him completely from eating at ALL at night? Or should I still allow a FEW feedings, spaced out at reasonable intervals. I ask because to me it seems that if I allow him to eat at night at all, he will learn that I will feed him and always want it when he wakes up. What are your thoughts on that?
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Thank goodness for websites like yours.
Kelli,
Somehow I missed this and your child is now old enough to drive. Terribly sorry about that. But just in case somebody else reads this I’m going to answer (albeit horribly belatedly).
It depends.
Some babies are great about figuring out how to eat 1-2X at night, at fairly predictable times so continuing to night nurse is no big deal. Others have a really strong soothe=suck association and will continue to seek to suck all night long which puts parents in the unenviable position of NOT going sometimes but going OTHERS.
That creates a strange and confusing scene for everybody. So if your baby is going down awake, you’ve separating nursing from bedtime by a good 20+ minutes, and he’s STILL seeking to nurse an unreasonable amount at night, you may need to gently but fully night wean.
If your baby sleeps till 11:00 pm, has a nice little dream feed, and then happily sleeps till 6:00 am? Then you’re good to go.
First of all, thanks very much for this site. I have just recently stumbled upon it and it has great information.
Right now I am desperate with my 5 month old twins, and I just don’t know what to do. The first two items on your checklist don’t apply, and the third only sort of . . . they sleep well enough once they go down, waking once a night to nurse, and maybe one of them wakes once or twice to settle, but all in all, they get 11-12 hours at night and take regular, good naps. Really, if there weren’t two of them, CIO wouldn’t even be on the table. However, I just physically can’t soothe two babies at once; at about four months, they suddenly couldn’t fall asleep on their own, and I was spending a couple of hours trying to put them to bed, putting one down, picking the other up, putting her down, picking her sister up . . . you get the idea. So CIO appealed to me because I thought there was at least an object to it all, and an end was in sight.
However, we have been doing CIO for a about three weeks now, and I just don’t see the progress I was hoping for. At the beginning, it seemed to be working–crying at bedtime was getting shorter and shorter, they settled easier at night . . . but this evening they wailed (WAILED!) for a half an hour before going to sleep. It is so disheartening, and I feel terrible. I think I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. Plus I don’t know what alternative I have.
Meggan,
Again – my apologies for missing this comment months ago so hopefully you’ve gotten things sorted out by now. But I’ll answer it now because it was rude of me not to do so earlier.
For starters you have twins so the regular rules don’t apply to you. You need to take care of things so that life works for you. Most people without twins don’t get this but I totally do.
Why are they still crying? It’s really hard to say. There are lots of small things that can throw off how CIO is going to work for you. Also twins sometimes amp each other up. That is not a fixable problem, but it’s unfortunate and does happen.
Also there could be a bit of extinction bursty stuff going on there (see link below). Which IS disheartening but in a way, is also a good thing. Because typically the extinction burst means you’re at the end of things.
I hope you and your twins have found a way to a decent night. Once you’ve sorted out the sleep stuff twins are one of the greatest things in the world. Good luck with yours!
Hey!
I’m back as you give such sensible advice! My 8 month had been sleeping thru waking at 5 with a poop but then resettle with paci till 7. He self settles for bedtime and naps-does good 1.5-2hr naps and goes down awake with no props. I think we’ve been going thru 8 month 37wk Wonder Week! He’s also started moving a lot more-crawling backwards (!) and that! So he started waking in night as he’d rolled onto his front and he was really really upset-so we began by turning him back and giving paci-worked fora few nights now it seems he likes being on his front but sometimes wakes in night and freaks out at being there-I give paci and try and reassure him pay back shhh etc-but it’s taking increasingly longer for him to settle back-is CIO an option? I kinda feel like he needs to get used to being in his tum and me going in is drawing process out-what do u think? Last night was nearly 2 hours at 2am-moaned a 5 but I don’t go in for moans he’s still asleep now at 7:45-on his tum!
This is a toughie. You going in DOES make things worse as he’s probably at peak separation anxiety so any excuse to have Mum around is a big win.
However babies DO freak out when stuck and a freaking out baby doesn’t easily go to sleep. So I can’t really vote strongly for one thing or another.
I guess I would lean towards going in to help him resettle with as little involvement (less paci and back patting over time) as possible.
Hey Alexis! Thank you for this great website, I have learned so much already! I had major sleep issues with my son (now 5 months old) as he would not fall asleep by himself. Lately I’m one of those parents that are blessed with a baby that basically falls asleep by himself in his bed 90% of the time. So I thought I’d share what helped for us, maybe it can help someone else too! I’ll try to keep it short 🙂
1) the nap/bedtime routine. We really have one, it really helps. If we don’t do it, our baby won’t fall asleep by himself. It’s really consistent in words and actions.
2) this is what helped a lot for me to deal with the crying and I learned it from the daycare lady (she took a course on this and they told her you can use this on the youngest babies. I think you should only do it if you feel comfortable with it, like with everything else).
After you’ve done your little routine, your baby will most likely start crying and screaming as soon as his back hits the mattress (my baby did). Instead of picking him up or leaving him to cry it out, leave the room and let him cry for two minutes. Then, if he is still crying, enter the room again and with a confident voice just say a few words like “no need to cry baby, you are going to sleep now, that’s a good baby” and leave the room again. Most likely, he’s really going to pump up the volume when you leave again. But do leave and now wait 3 minutes. Still crying after three minutes, go back in and do the same. Leave room, wait 4minutes,…
What mattered most, is that your baby knows that he is not alone. That is why you keep reappearing but also leave more time so that he learns to fall asleep by himself. You don’t even need to say anything, you can also just show your face. If you do say something, I noticed that your tone of voice and how long you stay matters. My husband tends to “show” more compassion with his voice and stay a little longer, feeling sad for the baby. I keep it short and “firm”. By this I don’t mean cold or distant, but with confidence as in “I am your mommy and I am here for you baby, but you need to learn this for your own good”. My approach seems to work the best for our baby.
For us, this really worked. In the beginning he’d reach a block of 5 minutes of crying. If I’d have to go to the 6min block, I would calm him down in his bed (stop crying) and then pick him up. Cuddle until he relaxed and start the cycle again. But you can also continue adding minutes.
Now, seriously, he doesn’t even cry anymore. I do his routine and when I put him in his bed, he makes his sad face. Maybe he’ll sob for a few seconds. But by the time I am out of his room, he’s quiet and staring in the distance. When I go back to check 2min later, he’s usually asleep or almost asleep.
Though things aren’t perfect yet (he still shortnaps and wakes up 3 times at night), the fact that it’s not such a drama anymore to help him fall asleep, greatly reduced my stress levels!
Hey Anna,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience! Sounds like a modified check-and-console worked great for you 🙂
Thank you for your fantastic website!
I have an extremely happy, bubby 9-month old. She truly NEVER cries during the day, nurses and eats solids well, etc. obviously, sleep is our problem here… She slept through the night on her own in her crib with no help from us at around 3 months and then @ 4 months, rolling over, teething, etc turned sleep into a battle we have not recovered from. We would settle back to 1-2 wakings a night and then randomly up to 5-6 or even hourly sometimes. Problem is she seems to have lost the ability to self sooth. I used to feed her and put her down wide awake in the middle of the night, go back to bed and listen to her babble and put hersel to sleep. Now we have hysterical crying (to the point I gasping) if I leave the room before she falls asleep @ bedtime and at night wakings. Separation anxiety??? She pulls herself up instantly a rattles the crib rails and screams (she knows how to get back down).
I listened to your advice and I started the change of putting her down awake (she used to fall asleep while nursing) for bedtime between 7-8 . we decided to take it step by step so we’ve taken turns staying in the room until she is asleep (sleep lady shuffle styles) but this worked for a few nights and led to just one or two waking but now we are back to every 2-3 hrs wake ups and she’ll only go back to sleep if one of us is in the room. She often needs to nurse to settle down but only for a few minutes so I know she’s not waking because she’s hungry.
My question is about separation anxiety and CIO? Is this a good time to try? I’m not sure what else to do?
I still rock her to sleep for naps and she goes down for 1-2hrs, twice a day. She also doesn’t seem to be grumpy or otherwise affected by all the night wakings…but I am turning into a zombie…
Thanks for any help you can offer!!!!!
Kristina,
So you get what is going on right? She USED to sleep like a champ because she hadn’t yet developed the ability to remember that you WERE there (nursing, rocking, etc.) when she fell asleep and are not now.
As she got older she DID develop that ability which is why falling asleep solo became such a priority.
So the sleep lady shuffle helped her fall asleep with you there. But just like before, she now expects to see you there when she wakes up all night long. So you’ve sort of switched sleep crutches and neither is really a good option, yes?
And yes separation anxiety is probably a factor in there but the REAL issue is what is happening at bedtime. She needs to fall asleep in exactly the same circumstances she’ll find when she wakes up at night – ie room=empty.
You could continue the shuffle but try leaving sooner (before her eyes are closed). There may be some mild complaining but I’m hopeful it wouldn’t be horrible. Basically you stay less and less time each night. Maybe even use a timer to keep you honest?
Or you go the full CIO route. Both will work but I’m thinking that the gradual method might be where to start?
My husband and I are at loss. We answered yes to everything except her age. She is 15 weeks (3.5 months). Since birth she would only sleep if I slept holding her in an armchair with the boob in her mouth. At 8 weeks we managed to transition her to a swing. The swing sits next to her crib – and both the swing and the crib are in our bedroom. We have white noise playing all night. Once she goes down she will sleep between 5-8 hours which I know is good. But after waking she is up every 45 minutes. Nurses 5 minutes, rocks / sleeps in my arms 5 minutes, then sleeps in her swing 35 minutes. It’s horrible.
Daytime sleep is the worst. She nurses for 30 minutes, falls asleep nursing, and will wake after 10-45 minutes (if I’m lucky), then will only be content for 30 minutes max before needing to sleep again. She refuses to sleep in her swing during the day and remains solely on the boob. If I even start to adjust my position to get more comfortable she wakes up.
I know she’s extremely overtired and I’m at a loss of what we she should do.
We have tried the swaddle, pacifiers, cosleeping, etc. Nothing works to make it better.
Hey Amelia,
I would definitely work with the swing for naps. In fact I would wrap up a whole soothing package that includes LOUD white noise, TIGHT swaddle, SWING, and paci. Well maybe but likely paci (I’m a little more squishy on the paci than the other three).
Oh yeah – and a dark room.
My big guess is that you have a sensitive baby. You’re going to have to work a little harder at things and that’s OK. Well not OK so much as beyond your control 😉
She’s got a huge suck=soothing thing going on and it’s hard to maintain that while she’s sleeping. She would probably sleep like a champ if parked on your boob all night. So I really think the answer is MORE non-boob soothing.
I’m really confident that if I were standing in your living room with swaddle, white noise, swing, and paci I could get that baby sleeping in that swing. Now admittedly I’ve got some zen master swing sleeping skills but I honestly think that you can pull it off too. Have you read this?
http://www.troublesometots.com/the-ultimate-baby-swing-sleep-guide-for-swing-hating-babies/
I would try more soothing.
As for the 45 minute thing at, what, 3:00 AM, that’s horrendous. Again I would throw everything at her. She’s clearly not hungry because she’s nursing for 2 seconds then popping off so it’s probably way more about her being sleep deprived from crap naps (*sigh* frustrating no?) and needing more soothing.
I would not do CIO at this point but I would definitely let her fuss a bit. I would feed her at 2:00 AM, swaddle her, white noise, swing, and see what happens. If she wakes up in 30 minutes I would ignore her for say, 20. Don’t rush in to save her even if she seems really upset. Test the waters a little. Same with naptime OK?
You can do this. Honest.
My LO is 12 weeks today. In the beginning he had a hard time napping so I held him. Now he only naps for 20-30 minutes if I lay him down but will nap for 2-3 hours if I hold him. At night he nurses and falls asleep but sleeps 4-6 hour stretches. How can I get him to nap longer?
By doing everything here:
http://www.troublesometots.com/newborn-baby-sleep-survival-guide/
He needs more soothing than the crib. So OK – give him more soothing. You can’t always cuddle at naps (although it’s awesome sometimes) but you CAN give him more soothing in other ways!
Hi Alexis,
I love this blog. It’s honest and it is easier to skim through then a ton of research, a baby center posting or a book.
I answered yes to most of your questions except a couple. Rosa just turned 5 months on the 18th. She just started day care a couple weeks ago (we’re struggling with both naps and the bottle there, she hasn’t yet taken a full bottle at day care but she has taken a few oz here and there). I mention this because it could be related.
She is also recovering from a cold. She’s doing much better but is still snuffly in the morning or in the middle of the night.
I will admit I let her cry last night because it had been take 3 and she was waking after only a few minutes and she didn’t seem to be struggling to breathe at all. She cried for 2 20-minute periods and I was of course beside myself. After it seemed to escalate I went in there, fed her a bit more and put her down again by 9pm. She woke again after a few minutes and after just 5 mins or so of fussing / a little crying, she was out for the night and this time slept until 2am – for the first time since the cold. After a feeding and only a little fussing, she then slept until 5am. Sadly, I could not get her down again at 5a and managed one barely 30 minute nap before we had to rush her to day care at 9am – yikes (almost 4 hours on only 30 mins sleep).
I would put her down ‘drowsy’ (but I’m pretty sure mostly asleep which is my problem) and a few minutes later hear her crying again – which tells me she has that object permanence thing happening already, I suspect.
Like other parents, I will say Rosa “used to sleep so well!” at around 3 months (unless we were traveling, etc.). She used to only get up for 1 feeding, then maybe another around 5-6am, then would sleep for another hour or so. Those days are since gone.
During her cold we did the cosleeping on the futon in her room which was the only way any of us could sleep. Like I mentioned, since she was getting better I let her cry a bit last night but I’m hoping I am not doing the wrong thing here.
I start her bedtime routine at 6p and she’s usually sleeping by 7pm. This has been even more necessary because, like many other moms have complained – she is NOT a good napper. I would be happy for 30 minutes at day care, which she sometimes does, but we usually go a FULL DAY on only 2 30 minute naps and one day a half day on only 1 15 minute nap. This baby is overtired but these women don’t have the time to give her 1:1 attention! So couple that with a struggle for her to eat while there and I’m a total anxiety ridden mom (which is driving my husband nuts).
I think she had a decent run last night because she’s been at home these last few days and getting longer naps but now that we’re back at day care I worry about what’s to come. I am concerned she’ll resort to reverse cycling since she doesn’t eat much during the day, but she also barely sleeps during the day so that would be a horrible conclusion. Night sleep is really her only hope.
Do we continue to try CIO? I would never, ever let her cry for an hour stretch without comforting. We’re doing more of a Ferber type method. But is this a bad idea to do if she’s not getting much sleep at day care too? It’s such an incredibly stimulating environment and loud, so I understand why it’s difficult for her since it’s hard for her to nap at home for long stretches unless in the stroller or in my arms.
Let me know what your thoughts are! We do not have a swing by the way. We had one but she stopped napping in it early on (at around 3 months) and was never those champion swing sleepers except when she was tiny. The stroller does work like magic though so I know motion is nice. We also don’t have a car, we live in the city.
Thank you so much for this blog and its accessibility.
~Vasho
Hey Vasho,
It sounds like you have a bunch of stuff going on there – not napping, a cold, and a bit of inconsistency right?
Look when babies have colds they often can’t eat well because it’s hard to nurse when you can’t breathe through your nose. Personally I wouldn’t label this reverse cycling but yes – they end up snacking all day and you’ll have a lot of night feeding going on. I wouldn’t fight this. Yes it’s frustrating and you see it has a step in the wrong direction. Sadly babies get sick – it is what it is. You’ll get over it and work back to where you were. Sorry – no fix for that 🙁
I’m a little concerned about the napping thing. If she’s not napping at daycare, or barely napping it’s setting you up for a rough go at night. Is there any modification that can be made at daycare to improve the sleep situation there? Often babies have a rough time when first going to daycare but things settle out after a few weeks. I hope this is the case for you?
Because yeah – if she’s barely napping and then CIO is likely going to be a rough slog. So if there is a way to improve things during the day first I’m hopeful that it will set you up for a better time at night.
Hope things are going better!
Alexis
Hi
Been reading posts and comments all very helpful / interesting. I have a 10mth old boy. He is my third so have learnt by our mistakes, well so we thought.
He just doesn’t sleep! Naps during the day he is put down awake sometimes will go straight off other days its a battle. The longest he sleeps is an hour max but that is rare. He is a very happy and contented boy even tho his naps are poor.
He has been in his own room and crib since a young baby, has had the same bedtime routine from birth – wind down, bath and bottle. He is put down awake. There is a but! Since 5 month old his sleep during the night has got worse and worse to the point now we can be up every hour.
Sometimes he will go back to sleep on his on accord but nine times of ten we will have to go in. We don’t try to pick him up but normally by 4am I am downstairs on the sofa with him.
I am at a loss is it regression, anxiety? Any help would be very helpful
Apologises forgot to add he hasn’t had night feeds for ages. Will have bottle when at 7am and 6.30pm before bed
Well it could be a lot of things potentially but based on what you wrote my gut says it’s the bottle right AT bedtime. If he’s bringing the bottle to bed it’s definitely the bottle. If he’s eating right BEFORE bed it could still be the bottle. Basically he has a big eat=sleep association. It really sounds like an object permanence thing so I would start by trying to move the bottle way from sleep time (bottle, wind down, bath, books) and see if that doesn’t make things better).
Good luck!
Hello,
I have 6 and a half month old who nurses then when he is done eating he unmatches and falls asleep on my lap. When we then transfer him to his crib he sleeps fine and will usually wake up once inbetween 10pm and 8 am, more if he is sick, teething etc. My problem lies with nap time. He refuses to nap in his crib. So for the last 6 months he has been napping on me. I live in Canada and have a full year off for mat leave. I would like to get him to take his naps in his crib so I can get stuff done and so when he gets to daycare in 6 months he can nap there. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know if I should try what works for night time or what. I should also mention he does still like being swaddled so we have him in a swaddle me wrap at night. Any advice ladies. I want him to sleep independently during the day.
Hey Tori,
Sorry – am just stunned with jealousy about your year of maternity (congrats on that BTW!).
There is no easy fix for this. I would DEFINITELY work with the swaddle during the day. Start doing a consistent nap routine that is really soothing and work on removing nursing from how you get him to sleep. You may have better luck with a swing or a Rock n Play for naps (many babies don’t nap well in a crib and it’s a hard transition from “your lap”). Use white noise. Star by trying to rock him or cuddle him to sleep in your arms and THEN put him down fully awake. So your first goal is just to get him off your body to sleep. Then your next immediate goal is to put him down awake for naps.
I know you were looking for the magic ticket but sadly there isn’t one 🙁 But it’s a really key thing to do so best of luck with it!
Alexis
Your blog is a really balanced mix of granola and reality and I like that. I had my baby at home, I wear him, co-sleep, breastfeed, all that stuff. I am, like everyone here, trying to figure out some things and although you have many answers on here, and I’ve read a ton of your posts, since you do reply to people I’d love some of your personalized thoughts.
My baby is 5.5 months old. We return from Mexico right before his six month old birthday so I plan to wait to start this until we return so the trip doesn’t mess it all up. I want him to move into his crib at night once we return. I will implement your plan for that and have already started compiling a list for a plan so my husband and I can be on the same page. For his naps he does sleep alone in his crib. The problem with this is that he only sleeps for 30 minutes. To the SECOND. It’s 10:38am at the moment, and I know I have FOUR MINUTES until I hear him stir. I have let him stir plenty of times but he has gotten a good nice DEEP 30 minutes in and never falls back asleep. I read that baby’s take a while to get into their deep sleep but not this one. A chainsaw couldn’t wake him until 30 minutes is up. I keep thinking he needs more sleep. At night he sleeps from 6 or 7-5:30am (also on the dot) but with many nursings in between-which I will deal with after we switch to the crib… Boo I hate that early wake up. Rather than writing a novel here I will ask:
Is it true that his brain may just not be ready for longer naps yet?
If not, how on earth do I convince this child to sleep for longer?
I would like it because he seems tired…and I would love a little mommy and clean house time after nearly 6 months of nothing but me.
Thanks for your time.
Thanks also for being balanced.
-Bee
Hi Alexis,
I have tried the cry it out and controlled crying technique for a couple days now with my 9 month old son. He is VERY attached and I think has severe separation anxiety. My 3.5 year old daughter was going to bed like a champ at 9 months. Almost no problem whatsoever. My son on the other hand, well, let’s just say he is as persistent as his old man. He cried for two hours yesterday with maybe 15 minutes of sleep. He was definitely tired and had a full belly of food. He was just PISSED that we weren’t there patting his back or cuddling with him in his bed. Today, he cried for about 45 minutes, fell asleep for 10-12 minutes then woke up again. I went in a couple times after 5 then 10 minutes and settled him down. After the second time and about 5 minutes he quieted down. Keeping my fingers crossed that this technique works. One of the problems I think is that his crib is in our room due to lack of room. If this keeps up, I may have to try and make something else work with his crib. Thanks for the great articles!
This website is wonderful. I have read SO many books on CIO, as I am super stressed to start it, and each one tells me something different, which doesn’t help.
One book suggested to wean my 9 month old son off night nursing BEFORE even starting the sleep training CIO method. But you say this isn’t necessary?
We currently rock him to sleep at nap/bedtime. And in the evening he wakes up an hour later really crying. And then he wakes up every 2.5 – 4 hour intervals to eat the rest of the night.
Do you suggest teaching him to CIO out and learn to fall asleep at bedtime – and the first hour wake up, and then nurse him the other times? Or wean him first. He usually nurses anywhere from 3-6 minutes each breast.
And keep rocking him to sleep at naps until the night situation is mastered? He is 22.5 pounds, and takes about 30 mins to get to sleep, so my arms and shoulders are quite sore.
THANK YOU FOR ANY ADVICE YOU CAN OFFER!!!! Much appreciated!
Alexis,
I don’t even know where to begin. But THANK YOU seems to come to mind first. At church this morning, I thanked God for YOU, for this blog, for your diligence, your thoughtfulness and genuine commitment to helping other moms deal with the crazy world of sleep!
I stumbled onto your site on Friday evening when I googled white noise for babies. After three hours of clicking and scrolling and reading, I went to bed encouraged. Last night, my 6 month old daughter slept un-swaddled in her crib for the first time. It was a miracle. No, really.
When she started rolling over at 3 1/2 months, we had to abandon swaddling before she was ready. She would not sleep un-swaddled in the crib. After fighting to CIO at 4 months, we regressed to having her sleep in a rock-n-play bassinet in our room. We would have left her in the nursery, but I was afraid she would turn the bassinet over in her sleep, as she was trying to roll over in it as well.
These past few months have been very challenging. She got her first 2 teeth at 3 1/2 months and her third one came this week. Lump it all together, and sleep has not come easy. For any of us. Before we had her, we knew how we thought it “should” go. No props, no rocking, able to self-soothe and put herself down. What’s the saying… “If you want to make God laugh, make plans?” Well, we had it all planned out. And nothing went accordingly. God’s getting a kick out of us for sure.
The only way she would go to sleep is being held while swaying in front of the sink with the water running. All sleep was a battle. Except when we fed her down. But then she’d wake and we’d start all over again. So. Much. Time. Spent on the process of sleep.
She is a “tall” baby and as the weeks have passed, we knew our time in the bassinet was running short even though she is still in the weight limit. We were planning to cry it out this week while my husband was on Spring Break. We looked ahead and saw we were left with the crib or our bed. Co-sleeping is NOT our thing. We were going all in.
When I read the checklist in your post, I was so glad to have a couple of tools we hadn’t used. During naps yesterday, I put her down drowsy but awake in her bassinet with white noise and a lovey. Um… low and behold, she put herself to sleep!
With my husband out of town until today, last night was to be her final foray in our room in the bassinet. When I put her down for the night- awake but drowsy- she took the rolling over in the bassinet acrobats to a whole new level. Over and over again. I knew my bassinet window had closed. It was time to face the crib. Without my husband.
Armed with your advice, I trepidatiously went for it.
AND. IT. WORKED.
She put herself to sleep in her crib. Un-swaddled. For the first time EVER. MIRACLE.
She woke at her normal late-feeding time- around midnight- and it was a little struggle to get her to settle in the crib again. But only like 20-30 min, and no major freak-outs. Just some fussiness. I’m hoping to drop that feeding soon.
Today she has successfully conquered two naps in the crib and counting. And my husband and I are amazed. Relieved. Grateful.
So I am just writing (a small novel) to say THANK YOU. You have helped some really exhausted new parents. You have given us hope on the journey. Thank you.
Peace,
K.C.
Hi Alexis,
Thanks for this website. I wish I had found it early. I’m trying out the CIO with my LO. He’s 12 months old, he has been sleeping with me until now. My husband is deployed so I decided to have LO sleeping with me for awhile. I have been doing the co-op for 2 weeks in his room. I had a bed in his room so he can see me there. He usually wakes up in the middle of night and stays up all night. So in order for him to get some sleep I was bringing him to bed to sleep with me. I decided that this week I would try something different. That is when I found out about the CIO method.
Two days ago, I had started the CIO during naps and nighttime. I was expecting hours of crying. In the contrary, he only cried for 30 minutes at night and during nap time, he cried for an hour or so. I thought that after all he would put himself to sleep,but it didn’t happen. Instead he sits in the crib for almost 5 hours, rocks himself but doesn’t fall asleep. I wonder if you have heard any cases of LO with this type of sleep behavior. Most babies put themselves to sleep after hours of crying, mine doesn’t. Is there a pattern that I should follow for his sleeping behavior or is this just temporary behavior?
I guess my concern it’s that he won’t get enough sleep with this sleeping behavior. How long should I do the CIO? Should I look for factors that will affect his health due to the lack of sleep?
I would love to hear from you.
Thanks Again,
JD
Our son used to be a great sleeper through the night (7PM – 5AM), but now he wakes about 30 minutes into sleep and will be up for the next 6 hours. He stands in his crib and will cry on and off, which wakes up the 6 and 8 year olds as well. So the whole family gets to share in the CIO process. The thing is, that our 9 month old never ends up going back to sleep. He won’t actually lay back down, he will almost zone out while standing for hours on end. He is unbelievable stubborn in this aspect. Is there some medical condition he has that keeps up up for 6 plus hours at night. They day time is the same with no to little sleep. I am figuring that he is getting most about 4-6 hours a sleep per day. This is crazy, our first 2 kids were bad, but not like this.
I did Babywise with my two children, and it worked wonderfully. They are both great sleepers to this day. So, I am a big fan! I think your list is great. Informative and convincing, but not judging someone who might not be ready to try this method.
I REALLY don’t want to start a Babywise debate. I’m glad it worked for you. But I just wanted to add that some infants have suffered failure to thrive from following the feeding rules in Babywise.
Thanks for chiming in, the perils of Babywise is well trodden territory around here 🙂 But the more people aware of the risks the better!
Um, I’m considering having kids, and I am bookmarking this page for the future – I KNOW it will be useful!
Well hopefully this is NOT the page you need (there’s more about how not to land in cryitousville ;). Thanks for visiting though!
Whew…# 7,8, & 9 might be tough. Wish you’d been writing this blog back when I was trying to get my babies to sleep through the night. I realized that ultimately, as in all things having to do with parenting, that pretty much no method works 100% all the time. Or at least not for me–so being dogmatic about THIS method or THAT method never made sense. But your list is nicely pragmatic & flexible. Nice.
Yeah those aren’t the easiest but they’re easily the most important. You’re kids are far beyond this point but honestly my biggest CIO advice is to not dabble. If you aren’t ready to dive full into the pool, don’t put a toe in!
My baby girl will be 9 months old next week, she’s NEVER slept through the night. She was sleeping ‘ok’, but at best she was still waking twice every night for a short (1-5mins) feed. For some reason she increasingly needed nursing/rocking to sleep and now won’t be put down awake, ever. We managed to stay strong and get to a place where she didn’t co sleep with me for about 3 weeks which was great, but then she was unwell so I’ve brought her into my bed most nights at around 4am for the last 10 days or so, which means my husband’s sleeping on the sofa, not great for our marriage and to be honest I don’t sleep well with her in the bed anyway! I know I shouldn’t have done it, I just do anything to sleep out of desperation. The last few days I’ve tried to leave her crying a little longer before going back in to calm her (usually with a breast). She stands up in the cot and throws tantrums to the point where she vomits up her dinner and any breast milk she had before bed. Meaning she’s then got another reason to wake up (hunger).
How long do I leave her crying before she gets the message that I’m not going back in? Vomiting is awful as she then needs washing/changing and is back to wide awake. She has all 4 front teeth so I think she’s done teething for a while. It’s now happening at nap time too, my husband literally got in the cot with her today to make her fall asleep as she was screaming as us for an hour. She doesn’t wake up and have a little cry, she screams to the point she can barely breathe.
I feel completely stuck in a rut and exhausted. I feel CIO is my last resort now but I just think she’ll vomit and I’ll be back to square one. I’ve even paid money for someone to help me for a month and it didn’t work. Please help! 🙁
Helllo! advise much needed:
We have a 9mo (just) old that will not go to sleep unless nursed or bounced in the front pack (her daddy can do this one too, thank goodness). I have been trying to put her down less and less completely asleep and then console her in her crib if she wakes and starts crying – and that worked or didn’t work, depending on the.. day? her level of OT maybe.
Anyway – we tried to do the “sleep lady shuffle” a few months ago with no success. We did this for 14 days and never could leave her side without her screaming for >1hr. So after almost 2 weeks of trying to this we quit.
Currently – baby P is not going down easily, waking often when put into the crib & I am frustrated. So… last night tried to put her down slightly awake and go back in every 4min. We have a consistent bedtime routine, play white noise (always do this), her room is dark, told her what was going to happen… Hysterical hysterical screaming. We stuck with it, but I had to lay her down every time I went in because she has recently learned to stand and so pops up every time she is set down. I know she can sit back down, but doesn’t do it that often during the day, and so every time i went in I found her standing there, screaming, crying & hiccupping.
This went on for almost an hour, then finally I picked her up to lay her down and she fell asleep on me, almost instantly.. Is this normal? And did I totally screw it up by holding her for a few seconds before putting her down? And last question – should I wait until I know she can get down from standing really easily/readily?
I think i might try again tonight and not pick her up this time, just set her back down & tell her goodnight. Any last min. comments?
Thanks!
update: the last two nights I have not picked her up when I went in and that may be helping.. or just coincidence.
Last night she went to sleep in 22min, tonight (I think she is asleep anyway) it took 17min. So improvement for sure, but it was really really hard for me not to quit – she cries so so very hard.
Please, is crying this hard really normal? Probably everyone thinks their baby cries hardest, but I just need a little reassurance that her hysterical screaming, some shrieks thrown in & lots of loud sobbing and hiccuping are normal?!
Also, the middle of the night wakings have totally gone to shit. Her 3-4 times and then tossing and turning from about 5am have turned to 5+ wake-ups (stopped keeping track) followed by tossing and turning (this is loud) from about 2:30am onward to her 5:30am up for the day.
Is this normal?
Hi Alexis!
I have a 7 month old that USED to sleep like an angel! He started teething at 4 months, got two bottom teeth. And those nights of sleep and days of naps went out the window! So I gave in and did everything under the sun. Rocking, breast feeding, pacifier, co-sleeping, etc! Nothing has worked. Well low and behold he is getting all of his teeth. As of now he has EIGHT teeth. The top teeth were literally a nightmare. It was painful to watch and to be a part of. Bless his heart!
Teething is still happening as we speak, two more are trying to break through.
Does this disqualify us from cry it out?
Does constipation disqualify us, also?
This guy needs sleep! He will only sleep on the boob or in my arms, nursing in our bed then trying to put him in his own bed, nursing in the guest room and trying to do the sneaky ninja move to his crib. He now will not even let my husband come to him in his crib, he screams even louder! I’m lost! Tired! And feel like a huge failure, I should’ve stood my ground long ago. But what’s done is done.
Where do I go from here? Up, please!!!!
I guess I’m wondering where to begin?
He is up at 630/7am
Boob at 7am
Breakfast at 715/730am
Playtime until 915am
He wants and sometimes demands boob again – I give in and we nurse to sleep.
Nap in crib 930
Awake almost 30mins after he is put down.
Sometimes he wakes up the second you tip over to put him down.
We rock, sing, nurse.
Then he goes down.
Wakes up nurses
Then plays/walk/play group
Sometimes he takes a short nap, most times not.
The next nap is at 2pm (same cycle, nurse, rock, nurse, sing, try to put him down, rinse and repeat!)
Sometimes the afternoon nap is the most successful one. (Yesterday it went from 221-536 – Was it a full moon?)
Dinner at 530
Play
Bedtime routine starts at 7pm
Bath
Massage
Boob
Sing songs
Bed
At bedtime we seem to be successful, he sleeps from 8pm-2am
2am nurse
Back to bed until 630/7am
He only takes a pacifier when he is teething and he chews on it. If he had it his way he would use me as a pacifier.
He screams like he is in pain when he is swaddled so we swaddle him with his arms out.
He has a white noise sheep and a fan in his room.
We have the Angel.care Monitor with night vision.
My husband is ready to do this, as am I. But he will be the one in the house I’ll have to leave the country! I’ll be a puddle listening to him cry.
Based on the schedule he should have 3 naps, 1-2 hours long, 2-3 hours apart, bedtime 8-10pm. I am failing in the respect.
Should I scrap the schedule, if thats what you want to call it, we have and start over?
I guess I don’t know where to begin?!?
Sorry if this is all over the place!!!
I’m a bit scatter brained!
Please feel free to email me!!
Signed,
In need of your wisdom!
P.S. do you make house calls?
Hi Alexis!
We are struggling with our almost 5mo old. He can go down awake (swaddled with a pacifier) but then wakes up screaming 45mins -1hr after that. We are stuck replacing the paci all night long. If we don’t give it to him he screams. We’ve tried to break free of the swaddle but that’s a huge fail- his arms and legs are just way too active. He also looooves to fall asleep on the bottle but we are working to break him of that. I’m assuming he’s too young for CIO. Also, can he be swaddled for CIO when he’s 6mo? Thank you so much for your website!
My daughter is right at 5 months old. Are we bad parents for trying CIO to KEEP her asleep? I’m completely exhausted. Nursing her to sleep works at getting her to sleep but not at keeping her asleep. Everything on your site convinced me that CIO is the solution only to find you don’t recommend until 6 months. What do we do for the next month?
For the last 3-4 weeks, she sleeps for 45 minutes or an hour (after being nursed to sleep ), and then wakes up wanting to nurse. We then have two tracks. 1. I can rush in and nurse her and she will go back to sleep right away and not wake again for 1 or 2 or 3 hours (and then require nursing every 1-2 hours until morning). or 2. I nurse her to sleep and she wakes when she hits the crib, and I can nurse more. Then she can get hyper (wants to play but not by herself) or sometimes nursing again and again works. Path 2 contains a 2-3 hour period where husband will join the effort and try shhing, patting, PU/PD during this time because I’ll be so worn out from nursing and shhing and patting efforts. I can nurse her to SLEEP 2-3 times only to have her wake. Then she’s up every 1 / 1.5 hours to nurse like a marathon runner sometimes and other times just enough to fall back asleep.
(We start bedtime around 7-7:30pm. Sometimes she is so tired she passes out at 6:30pm but I can’t feed her enough by that time to keep her down that early. We let her wake herself around 8am, but did start trying to wake her at 7am a week ago only to have her start waking up at 5:30am a few days later AHHHH!!!)
SO basically if I rush in and nurse her, she gets sleep but I don’t. OR there is lots of crying and none of us sleep.
I’ve nursed her to sleep since she was born (but sometimes bedtime was a 2-3 hour process). About 3.5 months, I read the No Cry Sleep Solution, and I’ve been trying the pull out method since then. I did see some improvement because she actually has been put drowsy awake in the crib after evening feeding and then fallen asleep with no crying –ONCE (but I think she only made it 2-3 hours). But other than that, if I don’t nurse her until sleep (with pull out attempts) and then hold or rock until fully asleep, we have LOTS of crying. I feel that at this point she cries so much until she is nursed that CIO will be the tipping point (because I’m her prop). I was reading a ton on it and convincing myself that CIO will actually be LESS crying (over all) only to find that you suggest waiting until 6 months.
During months 2 and 3, she slept 7-8 hours in a row a few times but generally would give me 5-6 hours before waking waking 2-3 times before morning. Then the 4 month regression changed this, and for 3-4 weeks I haven’t slept more than 2-3 hours in a row, but probably most nights not more than 1.5 hours in a row (because it can be hard to go back to my room and fall back asleep right away).
So now I’m feeling like I’m giving up too soon on her and that we’ve been torturing her by trying to get her awake because it causes so much crying. Going in to PU/PD or shh can sometimes just cause more crying.
I just want to be a good mom but I’m making poor (inconsistent) sleep choices for her because I’m so tired (like just shutting her door around 4am because I’m walking-dead person).
Hello! So glad I found your website although not sure how I was able to even spell “sleep training” properly to google since I’m so sleep deprived! I have a 7 month old who has been “sleep training” me for a while and tonight I’m going to flip it back on him! 😉 I am exhausted, my husband is exhausted, my poor 3 year old is exhausted. Heck even my dog is exhausted! I’ve been the nap master today and we are on #2 of deep solid nap. I’m excited to start this because I know it has to be done or we will all just die of sleep deprivation but I am very nervous as I definitely melt into a bowl of jelly anytime he cries really hard. I’m determined though because I realized last night that we (including baby) are all miserable! Wish me luck and thanks for all of your wonderful information!!
I’m at a loss with my 10 month old twin boys. They were good sleepers for the first 8 months, but horrible since. They shared a crib for the first 8-1/2 months then teething hit so I separated them thinking it would help not wake the other, but it’s almost gotten worse since. now they wont stay down at all! I’m hesitant to use CIO because they wake each other up and they still share a room. How do you suggest I do this with two?
Good sleepers before = both go to sleep 8-830pm together, one woke at 130-2am then back down to 530am then back down until 630am while the other slept right thru until 530am then back down until 7am
We have an almost 16 month old accidental co-sleeper who breast feeds to sleep since about 10 months and feeds at least twice per night. We have another one on the way and daddy is not a fan of the co-sleeping situation, so this needs to end.
She gets up at 6:30-7:00, naps in her stroller most morning at 9:30 for 1 hour (sometimes longer), naps again in our bed between1:30-2:30 for 1-1.5 hours. Bedtime is a nightmare: anytime between 7:30 and 9:30 I feed her and lie in bed (sometimes having to repeatedly put her back in bed) until she (or both of us)falls asleep.
To top it off she has a soother, but this doesn’t seem to be an issue, as she finds it in bed and replaces it.
As soon as she goes near her crib, she arches her back and FREAKS OUT. Se can be completely asleep and as soon as you lower her in she makes panicked breaths and FREAKS OUT. We removed her regular crib and replaced with travel crib, because it is soft, no bars to get caught it when flailing with anger! Hence the co-sleeping.
Dad is not home most evenings to put her to bed, worried that I will not be able to be consistent with the cry it out all alone…
My 9 month old grandson is impossible to get to go to sleep. When he was about 2 months old he started sleeping through the night. My daughter would put him to bed, after a bedtime routine, and he would sleep for 10 hours! It was wonderful. But, now, he fights sleep. He won’t even allow himself to be rocked to sleep. My daughter is a single mother, and they live with us. About 6 weeks ago, she started a new job, working at night so we could keep him and save child care expenses. This means that 4-5 nights a week, it is our responsibility to get him to sleep. She used to rock him and put him in his crib. If he woke at night, she would put him in bed with her. Now, the only way he will go to sleep is in bed with us in the dark, so I can’t read when I go to bed, which is how I wind down. I have decided that crying it out is our only option. My husband hasn’t the heart to put him in the crib and walk away, but he is willing to let me do it. We are at our wit’s end. As it is, he doesn’t go to bed until we do, which is 10:00. I know he is not getting enough sleep. Do you have any suggestions other than crying it out? If we do let him cry it out, how long is too long to cry?
I love the check list, although I have to admit we don’t have everything on the list, we haven’t really tried everything (although I kinda feel like we have) and she still feeds to sleep. The key thing that has changed, okay well two thins is one she was sick this past weekend and two, now when her dad bottle feeds and sometimes when I feed her, (her being our daughter) she cries at least a little no matter what. When get her take a nap, either by feeding or driving the cry she cries, then falls asleep. I am working on trying to feed her earlier but she then tends to fall asleep and it leaves no time for the rest of the bed time routine. She goes to bed at 7:30 or so which is a little late but my husband doesn’t get home until 6:30 most nights and we like to try having dinner before she goes to bed. Last night we just let her cry it out, tonight she fell asleep while I was feeding her, she also had very short naps. I couldn’t get her down in the house, so I went for drive and when we were in store another kid was crying loud enough to wake her. I didn’t really worry about it she has never been a good napper any way. I think right now we are going to try moving the feeding time to before we do the bedtime routine and see if that helps. I think she maybe one of those little ones who just doesn’t like the feeling of falling asleep and may cry no matter what. Because after we put her down the first time she still wakes and needs me to feed her too sleep some of the time, but she also sleeps solidly enough that while my husband and I are tired we are functioning for the most part. And if she doesn’t wake up too much she does fall asleep again (I have heard her over the monitor cry for a second or two and then silence.) If anyone has other suggestions I would love to hear them, particularly on moving the feeding time. I have tried several other things for it and she just falls asleep most of the time is seems almost automatic with her and it can be the bottle or breast.
Hi, I’m desperatly looking for some help here!!! Since my son (who is 6 months next week) turned 4 months he has been a terrible sleeper, waking every one – two hours. Last week after reachif my limit if sleep deprivation we decided to sleep train with CIO as I think our issue is he has always fed to sleep. So we now do story, bath, nurse (where he will nod off) I ten unlatch him and he wakes but is sleepy, say good night and out him down. The last few days he has been really good at going to sleep, a bit of a moan and off he goes, but our nights are still all over the place, one night he’ll sleep 20.00-7.00 with 2 feeds, then the next night we’re up every 2 hours again. Sometimes in the early hours he won’t settle back down… Should we be CIO at night?? Why is one night great and then next a disaster?? I’m so tired it’s really hard not to pop him in he breast to send him off to sleep quicker!! Thanks 🙂
Hi Daisy,
I understand your pain. Just a month ago I’m still latching my girl and to think I have finally reached the point to give CIO a try. Been considering for a whole year, but none of the earlier months were good. I have successfully weaned her off her night feeds and direct latching. And yes I agree, it is really hard not to pop in boobs and get them to sleep quickly. How have things been for you recently? Is his sleep better?
Hi all, Would like to add that I have started by 1 year old on CIO as of yesterday. It pains me for her to cry it for slightly over an hour before she gets tired and falls asleep (we expected it though). Need more encouragement from everyone here 🙂 I’m hoping to be able to share positive successes. Cross fingers for me please, am gearing myself up for night #2.
You and kiddo can totally do this! Have faith in her ability to figure this out. Yes night #1 is shitty but it’s behind you. Sending good thoughts your way for tonight 🙂
My baby is 5 moths old her nap during the day are only 20 min. During the night she wakeup every 2 hours nurse go back to sleep and sometimes stay awake for 2 hours. She is cranky during the day especially when we go out she looks tired but won’t go sleep I didn’t want to try CIO I had try bed-Shearing which made the problem worse because having me right there she want it to nurse every hour, I have a routine with her but it doesn’t seems to help it takes hours to finally get her to sleep including picking her up from her crip like 7 times sometimes rocking gr8 back to sleep and Down again, only so she can wakeup 2 hours later to do nurse and after that every 1 1/2 to 1 hour. I’m exhausted cranky I’m not enjoying my baby night time are a nightmare. She does have reflux I give her medicine for it. I finally let he CIO last night I was tired and couldn’t keep going. She doesn’t have the age yet so I’m not sure what to do
Hi Alexis, my daughter is 9 months old, goes down easily twice a day for naps (1-1.5 hours each), and goes down easily at night with bedtime routine of book and bottle. She is asleep when we put her down. Our problem is frequent nighttime wakings, usually around 11, 2, 4. This wouldn’t be so bad except she is very difficult to go back to sleep (sometimes up to 2 hours of rocking. Sometimes she will take a bottle, sometimes not. My husband and I are walking zombies, especially since he gets up at 5:30 to go to work. Any advice?
My daughter is transitioning from swing to crib. Shes 9months, almost ten months. For naps she is put in the crib awake and will soothe herself to sleep… She fusses to sleep but isn’t screaming and crying. She sleeps well in her swing and while naps the past two weeks have been strictly in crib, we’ve been getting a good hour/hour and a half nap in the crib. Night times are good but we are still in swing on a low setting. She has slept in the swing while not moving before but her last bout of teething we started the swing moving again. Most times for bed she’s mostly asleep when we put her down but I have seen her wake and soothe herself back but some nights not so good. We are about to start putting her in the crib but i won’t lie, its nerve wracking feeling like we are messing with a normally good thing (sleeping in the swing so good!)
Truthfully getting crib naps to happen is FAR harder than bed sleep in the crib. So you’ve already done the hard part! Put her in the swing at bedtime but don’t turn it on. Then boom – you’re home free for the crib.
Don’t sweat it, she’s old enough and the fact that she’s napping like a champ is a huge sign that she’s totally going to rock this. Good luck!
What did you do to finally get him to fall asleep on his own??? Did it just happen???? We are DESPERATE!!!
Hello, I just wanted to let people who are struggling with sleep and don’t want to cry it out that there is hope:) My 10 month old baby has been a terrible sleeper for the last 7 months. He would put up a fight before sleeping and would wake at least 3 or 4 times each night sometimes waking up every 30/45 minutes. I was always against cry it out but was starting to consider it as the only option left. I was also starting to feel guilty as I was constantly being advised that children need to learn to settle themselves by crying and fussing and that I was denying him the “gift of sleep” by rocking him/ nursing him etc. I decided to wait it out a little longer a lo and behold my baby has started to sleep beautifully. I sometimes still nurse him to sleep after his bath but for the most part he falls asleep quickly and stays asleep until morning. Last night he drifted off to sleep while I was changing him from his bath and stayed asleep in his cot until around 3 am when he woke up, looked at me and smiled and drifted off to sleep again until the morning. Obviously not every night will be as perfect as this and it has taken a lot of patience and exhaustion to get here but I just wanted to let exhausted parents know that it can get better without cry it out if that is what you choose 🙂
I’m a sleep deprived mother desperately seeking advice! My daughter will be 6 months old next week, and has been a terrible sleeper for the last 2-3 months. I made the grave mistake of bedsharing with her since the day she came home since she had no interest in sleeping in our nice, vacant co sleeper. Bedsharing worked ok for a while; she was regularly sleeping 5 to 6 hours at a time, nursing, and then sleeping 2 or 3 more. I considered myself lucky. Then 3 months hit and she has been gradually sleeping less and less, requiring my nipple to go to sleep and stay asleep.
Now, at almost 6 months, she wakes every hour or two, rooting and grunting and thrashing around until she either wakes herself fully, or I let her nurse. I’m stuck in bed with her for every nap and every night. I don’t think she’s getting any sleep, and I’m so ready to be done bedsharing. The problem is that her suck-to-sleep association is so strong, I don’t know how to break the habit. I’ve recently tried setting her in her crib and letting her fuss and cry for up to an hour (with checks) to no avail. How do I teach her to self soothe?? I’m losing my patience and my mind!
We are considering CIO for our 7 month old girl. She has a bedtime routine including bath & nursing to sleep (we understand this is not ideal….it’s just what is currently working very consistently). She goes right to sleep around 7pm, wakes about 2am to eat. Often she is awake for 60-90 minutes, not seeming tired. We keep the lights dim and when she’s done eating we rock on and off until she falls asleep. Then she wakes around 5am. Her day naps are 25-45 minutes, with only 2 of them on average. Sometimes I can intercept the 25 wake up and keep her sleeping in my lap for another 45-60 minutes. She can easily nap for longer in the car and we might have 2-3 of those a week. All in all, she is probably getting about 10-11 hours of sleep a day. This falls short of the recommended 12-14 hours, but are we necessarily needing to go to CIO? She definitely cannot fall asleep on her own and that is creating a lot of difficulty for night wake ups and naps. My concern is if we do CIO at bedtime, are we messing up the only part of the sleep routine that is actually going OK for us? Or is this a necessary step to get the other sleep going better?
Hello,
My son is 5 months old and 4 month regression has hit us hard. His sleep has been completely destroyed since he hit 4 months. We tried to wait it out thinking that it will pass. It has been a month and it has for a matter of fact gotten worse. He went from waking up once a night to waking up 3 times a night and now to waking up every 30 minutes – 60 minutes. Taking up forever to go back to sleep unless rocked. Sometimes waking up the minute put down. After weeks of this craziness, we are at our wit’s end.
He is is halo sleep sack with his hands swaddled still. We tried to leave his hands out and it was waking up every 10 minutes so we gave up somewhere at 3:00 am.
I never thought I would consider CIO, not because I am judgmental but I am not disciplined and persistent enough for it to work. But now I am desperate.
Here is my dilemma:
– He is 5 months old – should I wait till 6 months
– He is still kind of swaddled – Should I work on getting rid of swaddle now or wait until I can do CIO and do it at once>
– Also, he is rocked to sleep. He cries endlessly if put down awake. I mean I have tried only couple times for 5-6 minutes. so can’t really say I tried. So if I want to stop rocking, I have to do CIO. But then he is not 6 months old!
-He is not ready to give up night feeds. How to do CIO with night-feeds?
But I am losing my mind. I literally keep thinking of his sleep 24/7. I do not enjoy my awake time with him because i am constantly dreading the next nap battle or nighttime craziness. My husband is right there with me as we share the nighttime battles.
Don’t know where to start? I am tempted to just go cold turkey with swaddle and CIO. But then also super anxious.
At the same time, waiting for another month seems like eternity to me. We have not slept for more than 4 hours stretches since he was born.
Help! My baby is 10months old and she always wakes up and cry from 1am till 7am and it is really taking toll on my health as I always have extreme migraines due to lack of sleep or lack of good quality sleep. My baby wakes up fine and smiling. Baby is healthy, and I consistently check on her nappy or I try to feed her, but what she only wants is to be hold. She just wants to be hugged all the time. Baby is sleeping in the same room but on a different bed since birth. She always throws a fit when she is sleepy and is used to being always carried and rocked in order to sleep. I don’t know where to start. Please help.
Hello there,
My 3 month old currently Co-sleeps with me. She is a good sleeper and eater. However I can never sneak out to do chores. She needs me right by her side. I want to start sleep training but as soon as she realize I’m not next to her she Cries her eyes out! What should I do?
She’s young enough that you have a lot of tools to work with. When you’re ready to make a change commit. Every time she sleeps with you she’s learning “The way I sleep is with Mom.” Which is why you’re getting stuck as “she realizes you aren’t there and cries her eyes out.”
Give as much soothing as you can – swaddle, white noise, pacifier, maybe swing.
Try to have her FALL asleep without being flush next to your body – maybe she’s in the crib with your hand on her belly.
She WON’T sleep as well this way so accept that in the short-term things will be WORSE. She needs to get USED to a new way of doing things.
COMMIT to doing things differently. She’ll figure it out!
Good luck!
Hi Alexis – I desperately need your opinion! My 6.5 month old used to sleep great (I took your advice that I learned with my first and made sure to put her down awake early). She was sleeping 10-12 hours at 10 weeks, with some wake ups here and there (usually coincided with wonder weeks). After the 4 month sleep regression I realized I overlooked a HUGE problem – the pacifier. She now does exactly what you wrote about in “why sleep training didn’t work.” A long stretch followed by waking almost every hour after midnight for paci to be reinserted, eventually not working at 4am and wanting to be up for 1-2 hours. When I leave for work at 6 this is just not working out well. I tried the pull out method and that just INFURIATED her. She is 22 lbs so too big to start on the swing although we have been using that when she won’t go back down around 4am. Is it time for me to CIO? I hate to do it when the problem is just the paci but I know in my gut that is the issue. She goes to bed like a dream, wide awake as long as she has her paci. She takes two 2 hour naps (with paci, white noise, dark room). Do I have to take it away at naptime if I do CIO at bedtime? Your feedback is MORE than appreciated!
My LO is currently 4.5months. She is rocked to sleep at the beginning of the night and almost every night will wake up 45minutes later to be resettled again(doesnt take long dont even need to rock her just need to pick her up and hold her), but then after that she will only wake once a night for a feed. I see her wake up occasionally in the MOTN but she resettles herself (95% of the time anyway) So to be honest Im still getting plenty of sleep, its just the fact that its frustrating to have to resettle after that first sleep cycle and obviously itd be nice to not have to rock her to sleep every night. Sometimes when we put her down she will wake up when she hits the mattress so have to get her to sleep again, once shes asleep I wait 10mins before trying to put her down. My first question is why does her first sleep cycle not connect with the rest of her sleep? And second question, is it worth me attempting CIO once she hits 6 months? I have been reading on the website and facebook page for a few weeks doing all my research, and have been trying to get her into a good bedtime routine and have also taken her pacifier away cold turkey so one less sleep prop to worry about. Her bedtime varies as her awake times and naps can vary through out the day depending what we are doing. Have been trying to wake her up in the morning same time every day to hopefully have her bedtime within around the same time each night. I guess im just worried that if I do attempt CIO and fail, what if she turns into a crap sleeper because of it..then I will be kicking myself because we really dont have it TOO bad at the moment. Would also like to do nap training after night time training complete. Just wanting peoples thoughts or if anyone is in similar situation
Wow your LO sounds exactly same like my DD! Only difference mine is now 9 months old. So did you do CIO in the end? How did it go? I’ve been thinking about this for a while, just need a little more assurance. X
Hi there,
We did CIO with our first daughter last year when she was 6 months old. Our second daughter is now 5 months (and 1 week) and has not been taking any night feedings for the last week or so. We’re hoping to sleep train her in about two weeks, but since she’ll still be under 6 months old technically, do you think that is still ok?
Thanks so much!
I understand the cry it out for bed time and middle of the night. But how do you tackle naps? Is she just crying all day everyday for a week? So I let her cry it out for an hour for nap time and she doesn’t go to sleep so we go on with our day, do I not let her fall asleep again? She ends up sleeping right afterwards for 30 minutes?? Help I don’t understand naps.
Thanks for this. When baby started crawling at 6.5 months, pulling up to a stand, and fiestvwaking in crib was creeping up from 1 am to 10 pm, I knew my crib than cosleeping was NOT WORKING for any of us any longer. I was strung out. We tried so many things but at her age and physical and emotional intensity we were past the point of no return…
Helped us realize we were ready. We were committed and wasn’t going TOO bad except she’d still vomit after 2 minutes to get me to go in to change her… so I bought your book on night 5 and that’s when I realized I was doing boob too close to put down for my boob (chocolate Carmel cupcake) loving baby. OMG. So bedtime looks like boob/bath/books/cuddle and sing and naps are boob/books/cuddlesing… and just like that our lives have been transformed. She’s dropped her 3/4 am feed and sleeping 6:40-6:50 with only a few 1 minute fusses at 3/4/5 am… I still dream feed before my bedtime because if this boob baby gets boob when she cries at night then it reinforces the behavior. She’s 7months tomorrow and 19#… she can go 8-9 hours from dream feed to wake up easy now that we got bedtime order right and gave her the space she needed to learn.
If only I’d read your book first… maybe could have saved 45 minutes of crying a 3 night extinction burst and a few vomits but…. We do our best and I’m so grateful for your advice. She’s such a happy baby now! Now maybe I can sleep more soon!
How can I transition my 10 month old from co-sleeping to sleeping in her crib? She still nurses and uses it to sooth to sleep. She does fall asleep in the car if the timing is right but most naps are with me and last no more than 40 minutes. I also have a 3 1/2 yo who co-slept and still wakes looking for us to snuggle with him. I would love to get my daughter in her crib and out of my bed but I meed sleep too (and that’s why co-sleeping works). Thanks!
Is 5 months ok for check and console? ‘Cause putting down baby awake equals sleep training for our baby. He is not going gently into that good night (bad reference I just mean sleep!)
Ugh, ugh, ugh, I’m typing this with one hand since the other is pinned under a beautiful tiny tyrant (turning 5 mos in 4 days), who for the past week has suddenly stopped sleeping on his own surface (previously slept in side-of-bed cosleeper, then in crib). We tried putting him down awake, but since he didn’t miraculously fall asleep on his own, putting him down awake equals sleep training!
I see this an older article, and you’ve since stopped using CIO for its confusing nature, and I am now, surprise surprise, confused?
Does this checklist for CIO refer to it in any form, or just full extinction?
I ask because we can check off all but two of the items on the list (he’s not yet 6 months and I don’t think he has object permanence), but as of recently he WON’T SLEEP UNLESS HELD, and we’re not comfortable bed sharing (no hating on those who are). My partner is also concerned about swing sleeping because baby’s head sort of droops while sleeping in the swing, and, you know, breathing and stuff. (Again, NOT hating on folks whose baby sleeps in a swing.)
So my question: If he’s 5 months in a few days, do you think he’s still too young for some form of a check and console SLIP? Maybe Sleep wave (every five minutes annoy baby with your brief presence and leave again) or Ferber?
I want My hand back!