Sleep training is often spoken of in hushed tones, as though it’s a conversation that should only take place in back alleys. It’s the kind of thing that has gotten more than a few people kicked out of Facebook groups for even suggesting it (which is horrifying and something that would never happen in my Facebook group). All of this creates an unsettling aura of taboo about sleep training leaving parents feeling like this.
Even if you’ve come to the well-reasoned decision that sleep training is the right answer for your family it can feel isolating, mysterious, and downright scary.
Which is a shame because it shouldn’t be. You aren’t alone and many people have been to this rodeo before you. What do they have to say about it? Do they have any words of wisdom to share? Is there a safe place to ask questions like these? (Hint: yes there is). So I asked parents for their #1 piece of advice on sleep training, which I’ll share in a second. But first…
My Number One Tip for Sleep Training
I clearly have a lot to say about CIO and I encourage you to read everything, but if I had to boil it down to one tip, it would be this.
If you or your partner are not entirely committed then don’t do it. There is no dip your toe in the lake. You have to cannonball in. It’s OK to be ambivalent. In fact it’s great that you have enough self-awareness to know you’re not committed. But then don’t do it. Because there is no halfway sleep training.
Sleep Training Pro Tips from Other Moms
I asked other smart parents who have successfully navigated a trip to cioville what advice they would give you. And this is what they had to share.
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Stay consistent! It’s so hard and first but so worth it. My child literally asks to go to sleep at night now it’s insane. Never thought that would happen. Also have plenty of wine in the house. – AC
It’s ok if you cry too. – LS
Have a plan in advance. Also be consistent – like really consistent. – DZ
Commitment and consistency. Two things that are easily said but much harder to do. – MW
It’s worth it. You’re doing the right thing. Your baby will be fine. – VM
Have non-supportive people be led OUT THE DOOR. They really break you when you’re already feeling shitty. –WW
If you are Consistent, there is less crying in CIO than what you’ve been dealing with. – JL
Read read read! Make a plan. Be prepared to stay strong. Have a mantra “This is good for him, he’s learning a valuable skill”. Stay strong, mama! Good luck! – MS
Deep breaths. Calm down. Baby takes cues from you. Cries don’t hurt a child. Make sure you’re doing it at the RIGHT TIME. Stick to your guns; this could be a battle of wills – yours needs to be stronger. The rewards are so much better than the few nights of struggle! – MS
Make sure you and your partner (or whomever is at the house with you) are on the same page before starting. Be each other’s moral support. Leave the house if needed. Read pls over and over. – JP
Buy wine (joking!). Get a video monitor, be rigidly consistent, and know that the short term pain is worth the long term gain (ie happy baby & blissful sleep). – SP
Be 100% consistent. Expect some sleeplessness on your part. You may feel guilty, but know that you’re giving your baby the gift of sleep which will benefit your baby for many, many years. It is so worth it and you won’t regret it. – JH
Make a plan. Research what you’re about to do and understand what your intermediate and longer term goals are. Write yourself a note. “Dear Mama and Daddy, I know I’m crying and yelling. I’m just mad. Give me some space to cool off and figure this out, and I’ll be okay. I love you, Baby” – CB
Only choose a method you have inner peace about, and then TRUST YOURSELF. – JD
Consistency. If you’re not consistent it won’t work. And one more. It’s hard. But it will work. And when the baby wakes up all smiles and well rested the next morning, you will realize how much you are helping her. – KP
Once you’re done you wish you would’ve done it sooner. It’s not as bad as you think it’s gonna be! – LM
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Got any additional words of wisdom to share? Leave a comment!
Kate
February 12, 2016 at 1:37 pmYes to all of this!!! I would add: your sleep and the sleep of other people in your house is important too. It’s OK to consider everyone’s sleep (not just the baby’s) when you choose a method. I kept sticking with the “no-cry” “solutions” because I valued what I thought my baby would prefer over everything else and I had to get to the point where I was a non-functioning zombie before I tried CIO. I don’t recommend this.
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:33 pm^^^
Gold star. Yes. All of this!
EM
February 12, 2016 at 1:47 pmEverything above and take a deep breath, it shall pass quicker than you think!
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:33 pmThis is great advice and it applies to ALL OF LIFE 🙂
Eleanor
February 12, 2016 at 2:00 pmYour baby won’t be traumatised or hold it against you! In fact, more likely that they’ll be much happier and joyful during the day, as they’ve had a great night of sleep and feel fully rested. Oh, and sleep training at bedtime tends to have the happy side effect of improving naps during the day. Double win!
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:39 pmYES naps frequently improve. But not always. But you know what? Crap naps are a lot easier to deal with when you’re not exhausted 😉
Rodanthi
May 26, 2016 at 4:56 pmNaps did not improve for us at all she became more needy her and scared and so anxious every time we put her down in her crib for naps:(
Mon
February 12, 2016 at 2:02 pmWoo hoo, I see one of my comments up there 🙂
I’d also add that many life lessons will come with tears. “No honey, you can’t have candy for breakfast”, “Sweetie, you have to put your seat belt on”, “No pumpkin, you can’t go outside in the snow with shorts”. Sleeping independently is one of those life lessons, and you’ll ALL be happier in the end. Yes, your baby will wake up happy and rested even after some tears are shed from learning to sleep independently! 🙂
Sarah
February 14, 2016 at 5:19 pmSo true!!! If I’d known my little girl could scream for 30 solid minutes as a 2 year old because I wouldn’t let her play with the hot tap in the bath, I wouldn’t have agonised so much about letting her cry for 15 minutes at 10 months old because we were teaching her to sleep for longer than 90 minutes at a time. Sleep is so important for growth and development too 🙂
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:41 pm“many life lessons will come with tears”
Yes. 100%. SPOT ON.
Samantha
February 26, 2016 at 2:09 amThis is such a fantastic point to make! This has just made me feel so much better about CIO. My 4 1/2 mth old son has been keeping me up so much I’m lucky to get 3-4 hrs sleep a night, he’s fine, I spend my nights carrying and holding him. I am in tears all day/night from exhaustion and am feeling physically ill. I also have a 2 yr old who I didn’t do cry it out with, but napped with during the day so being up never mattered. And yes, she can scream and cry about anything you can think of! She wanted mummy to pour the milk, not Daddy! And I hate seeing her upset but in the end she is fine and we are very close and loving to each other. I guess my worry is just that he doesn’t understand why I’m doing that to him and that makes me sad, but I’m no good to my babies if I’m crying all day long and am too exhausted to go anywhere or do anything. Thanks for this comment, I’ll keep reminding myself of this 🙂
First attempt at CIO
February 27, 2016 at 10:32 amThank you so much for this point. My LO is asleep in her crib after 40 minutes of CIO for the first time at 10 months. Trying to get a little moral support and though all of these point are so very valid, this one in particular really spoke to me and made me feel better about this choice. I would never question my decision to keep her from the wood stove if she cried when I took her away, so I should not feel guilty about letting her cry while she is learning to self soothe.
ashleigh
September 22, 2016 at 7:32 pmWow… I feel a ton more certain that CIO is the method we need to try now. I never put it in that perspective…but you are right. Many tears will happen throughout her life.
Thank you!
Jessica
February 12, 2016 at 2:08 pmYes to all of the above! And something that really helped me was having something to do the first few nights, while baby was crying. I left my kitchen a complete mess so I would have a task to focus on instead of staring at the monitor and crying along. I know it made a huge difference!
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:41 pmBonus: legit excuse to leave the kitchen a mess. WIN!
Sharon
April 18, 2016 at 9:43 pmYes! I did this and it helped me deal with the crying so much better.
Holly
February 12, 2016 at 2:22 pmImagine a conversation with your child as a young adult where you tell them how you let them cry as a baby for a bit and that this taught them how to sleep. As your child is going to be clever, understanding and reasonable, imagine them saying something along the lines of ‘wow, sounds like I gave you a real hard time, no wonder you went down that route, I hope you are there to help me to be strong when I have kids’. Your child won’t remember and won’t judge. My 3 year old doesn’t know or care we used CIO. She DOES care when we don’t let her have every Disney frozen dress we come across. And she sleeps great and is a wonderful child. I will enjoy telling her what a pain she was as a baby when she’s older so I can make her do the washing up/tidy her room.
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:44 pmALL OF THIS ^^^
My oldest is 9 now. Sometimes I’ll talk about how much he cried has a baby (terrible undiagnosed reflux for months) and how it was my research into how to help HIM that led to all these other things and now, soon, my book. Honestly I think he’s a big proud 🙂
Samantha
February 26, 2016 at 2:15 amMy son has reflux and I’ve just put him on stronger medication, im waiting for it to start working before starting CIO, but I’m so worried, I am scared he might actually be in pain and I’ll be leaving him to cry. Did it go well for you? How did you know it was the right time?
Eva
February 12, 2016 at 3:00 pmTry no-cry method first and early to accustom baby of being less dependent on you then when your strength/ patience is gone use cio. you will be more confident that there are no other options left. The longest time that our baby cried on the first evening were 10 minutes. We repeated to ourselves- he is healthy, strong etc., he is fine! His smile in the morning after was priceless and he still loves us. We also night weaned at the same time whilst going cold turkey, just left one feeding towards the morning (5am) to help him sleep till 8am. A simple D-link camera with night vision option and a simple radio monitor for sound in a combination worked great. When we heard a sound, we checked what’s happening. Our child’s development is according to all the books, he is loving , smiley and playfull. Us- having dinners out, functioning as humans not zombies during the day, not feeling agitated all the time or snacking due to sleep deprivation. We all now have a chance to be healthy.
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:46 pmI love this comment and I think that many people will read this in the future and it will bring them peace. Thanks so much for sharing!
Jeanne
February 12, 2016 at 3:21 pmKeep in mind that sleep training is an ongoing process, as your child learns to sleep independently from birth onward. In other words, the initial CIO is just the first of many times you will help teach your child. After illness, sleep regression, travel, dropping naps and so on, you will most likely do another round of sleep learning to get everything back on track.
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:49 pmThis is often true but I don’t think of it as sleep training per se. Or at least not in my head. I don’t think kids forget how to fall asleep without you. But after a change in how we do it (due to illness, travel, etc.) whatever happened THEN became the new normal. So going back to independent sleep (from their perspective) is deviating from the norm. And with most kids – any deviation from the norm is going to result in upset.
BUT it’s typically pretty brief!
Fatma
February 12, 2016 at 3:52 pmTrust your kid, he/she can do it!
Alexis
February 17, 2016 at 4:47 pmExactly. Our kids are capable of so much more than we think!
Heather
February 12, 2016 at 6:33 pmThere’s a good chance that it will be easier than you expect and not take as long as you expect. There will probably be less crying than you expect; just make sure to stay committed and be consistent (because not doing so will make it much harder and longer). PLS was the most wonderful discovery with my second baby… I wish I’d had it with my first as well. I think if I had, my PPD might have been much shorter. Sleep is critical, for everyone. And letting them cry when they’re an older baby and ready to learn to sleep without you right there is a good thing. My second baby almost never cried in the whole sleep learning process, but my willingness to give her a little space to learn made all the difference.
Heather
February 12, 2016 at 6:42 pmJust to clarify, When I say “letting them cry,” I don’t mean excessively or all the time or anything… just that leaving the space for a little bit of crying can open the door for them to learn.
You can usually tell whether they’re truly in distress or if they’re just really upset that you’re not there with them like they really want you to be–and I loved having the video monitor, for added reassurance.
One little tool that I used was setting a limit on how long I would let her fuss/cry before going in, and by looking at the clock, it actually helped me wait longer than I might have otherwise. And it actually only took a few minutes.
I know it’s not easy to listen to your baby cry, but I noticed such a big difference between my first and second baby…. I think that’s typical. With my first baby, I was way more anxious and responded to every little peep. With my second I realized what called for a response and what was just a sound… and as a result, my second slept better from the very beginning, and that also helped pave the way for all of our sleep transitions.
Thank you again, Alexis! Your blog was such a big help. I am so happy I used the swaddle and swing and made an easy transition to the crib from the swing…
Johanna
February 15, 2016 at 11:19 pmThis is very reassuring. I’m currently in the process of sleep training my almost six month old twins. We have gone from feeding them on demand (sometimes every hour or two), to only feeding them when 4 hours or so have passed since the last feeding. I can’t yet stop the nighttime feedings because they only take 4 oz of formula per feed (every 4 hours or so), so they aren’t consuming enough calories during the day to sleep through the night without food. But I hope to gradually eliminate those middle of the night feedings after introducing solids in a couple of days.
I’ve been at this for a few days and I’ve already noticed lots of positive changes. Their mood has improved tremendously. Even my husband and mother, who were skeptical in the beginning, keep raving about how the twins appear to be much happier and less ‘clingy’ during the day, and how easy it is to put them to bed at night.
There is still a long road ahead for us. Nap time is still difficult. And even though they only cry for a couple of minutes before each nap, most of the time one of the twins wakes up after 30-45 minutes, so I end up waking the other baby a few moments later to keep their schedules somewhat synchronized (crazy, I know).
I’m having a huge set back tonight, as both twins and I are fighting a cold, and I just don’t have the heart to let them cry while they are sick. But I know I’ll have to pay for it later, so I’ll be prepared.
I’m so thankful to have found preciouslittlesleep.com. Reading and re-reading your posts has been incredibly helpful, especially when one of my babies is crying and I’m itching to go comfort them. 🙂
P.S. I think you are hilarious!
Rasha
May 5, 2016 at 3:04 pmCan you try increasing the amount they drink during the day by a tiny amount and then decreasing what you give them at night by that same amount? Even if its 1/4 an ounce? That’s what we did. It took a couple of weeks but then we got to having no feedings at night.
Kristin
February 17, 2016 at 3:11 pmNo tips from this first time mom, but a question for all the other pros out there. We are considering starting CIO after a week of ZERO sleep. I’ve always nursed our little one to sleep (I got myself into this situation, I know), and he always went right back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night for a feed. He was down to 1-2 feeds per night, and I was getting at least two, 4-5 hour stretches every night. In the last 2 weeks, he has started screaming, angrily within 1-2 minutes of me putting him down. He does this at bedtime AND after night wakings. I have resorted to letting him sleep on my boob or my husband picking him up, rocking, and putting back down no less than 10 times before he finally settles – and then it only lasts for 45 minutes. He is also still swaddled and in a Rock n Play in our bedroom.
Our plan is just to survive until this weekend. We will then have given him 10 days to see if this is just a sleep regression or phase that will work itself out. I’m not hopeful. If it does not improve or gets worse and we decide we are only left with CIO, should I move his RnP into his nursery, still swaddle him, and focus solely on teaching him to fall asleep on his own? Worry about crib transition and swaddle weaning later? One obstacle at a time?
Or should we put him in his crib, move to a swaddle transition (we own both a Merlin’s sleep suit and the Zipadeezip), and attempt to knock it all out at once? He naps during the day in a crib or Pack n Play without a swaddle, so I know he is capable.
Kenzie
February 22, 2016 at 11:48 pmDon’t cio unless he is in the bed he will be sleeping in!! If you do, you’ll just have to start all over again once you move him into the crib! My other advice is to swaddle as long as he will let you!
Angela
March 15, 2016 at 12:38 pmMove to a crib before you can no longer swaddle! I have 9 month old twins who we are finally trying to break from the RnP. It has been terrible. I regret not transitioning them to the crib, when they still felt the security (and containment) of a swaddle.
Kristin
March 15, 2016 at 12:54 pmWe decided to just rip the bandaid off and do it all in one night. We put him in his crib with no swaddle (but used the Zipadeezip). The first night, he cried for 30 minutes. Second night, 20 minutes. Third night, 45 minutes. And then he held on strong and cried between 20 and 30 minutes every single night for TWO WEEKS. But once he fell asleep, he stayed asleep for 6 hours, woke up once to eat, and went back to sleep for another 4. Finally, he started going to sleep immediately with no crying, and we’ve had a great routine for the last 2 and a half weeks. Enter daylight savings time… We’re back to crying for 20-30 minutes since Sunday night. I’m hopeful it’s just a short term relapse and he goes back to falling asleep easily within the next day or two. Hurts my heart to hear him cry himself to sleep… AGAIN. But at least I know he can do it now.
Michelle
February 21, 2016 at 11:33 pmI’m at the end of my rope and am hoping I can get some good advice here…
For the last six days my husband and I have been using the Ferber method on our three month old son (he’s turning three months on Wed.). First night was rough but there were some nights where he slept longer stretches and put himself back to sleep. Then he took a bunch of steps backward and the last few nights have been a nightmare. His voice is hoarse, no one is sleeping and we’re all a mess. I put him down in his crib awake and he usually falls asleep fine but then wakes up crying. He loves his bassinet but is getting too big so that’s why we are transitioning him to the crib. He’s too big for the swaddle blankets we have so we’re using a sleep sack. He has a lovey and sleeps with a pacifier. Is the pacifier messing him up? Is he still too young for CIO? His naps have improved – he takes three 40 minute to one hour naps a day in the crib. But his sleep is horrible and getting worse. I can’t stand to hear him cry when there’s no progress after six nights. Maybe my husband and I are going in too often? I’m seriously at a loss. I’ll also admit that we caved and let him sleep in the bassinet next to our bed tonight just so we can get a good nights sleep and think rationally about all this. So now I feel terrible and like we have to start at the beginning again. I’ll add that his bedtime is usually 8:00 but he gets tired around 6:30…so maybe he’s going to bed too late? Help! All advice welcome…I seriously feel like the worst mom ever and am really down about all this. It’s taken a toll on everyone.
Kenzie
February 22, 2016 at 11:54 pmNot the worst mom ever, we all have our moments (or weeks!). Put him to bed for sure as soon as you start to notice signs of tiredness! Otherwise he will just get overtired and then all bets are off! The more overtired they get, the crankier and more awake they get! Try doing that for a few nights in his crib without actually cio, and see how he does. Once he’s used to being in the crib a bit, and he feels more secure there, that’s when I would go at er again. When I do cio, I put my baby down usually at 7, as that is when all my babes go to bed, and I don’t go back in until 7 the next morning (or close to). It should only take a few nights, I’ve heard of up to 2 weeks, but not very often! All of mine have taken 3-4 days doing it this way! Hope this helps, good luck!!
Michelle
February 23, 2016 at 2:30 amThanks Kenzie – do you recommend not going in at all? The interval method doesn’t seem to be working as well – not sure if it’s because LO gets worked up again every time we come in? He’s been napping in the crib really well (3 naps a day around 2 hours each). Also, last night we were so exhausted that we brought him into our room to sleep in the bassinet by our bed. He slept through the night without waking or feeding. So I know he can do it – it’s just the crib that seems to bother him. Also, he wakes every 45 minutes or so – seems to have trouble getting through the first sleep cycle. Sigh. This feels like it will never end.
Alexis Dubief
March 15, 2016 at 1:49 pmNope. Nope. Nope.
For starters? I have a lot of issues with the way this website presents it’s conclusions. It’s very fear mongery. Secondly? There is no evidence that 6 months is a hard cutoff. It’s the one I suggest simply because millions of people read my site and it’s a comfortable boundary. But I would never say that it’s inappropriate under 6 months because – and this is absolutely true – sometimes it’s TOTALLY the right call! There is zero evidence that it’s unsafe under 6 months and in some cases is barely a blip – younger babies complain for 20 minutes before falling asleep (in some cases crying LESS than they would if the parent was there actively trying to help them fall asleep).
If you have helpful advice we would love to hear it! But telling a parent what they’re doing is inappropriate is not that.
Michelle
February 21, 2016 at 11:37 pmWe’ve been going in to check on him at 5, 10, 15 minute intervals although admittedly my husband goes in sooner to replace his pacifier when it falls out (that wakes him up sometimes). So is that perpetuating the problem? My son cried for over two hours the other night even though I was checking on him at increasingly longer intervals. I’m happy to wean him off the pacifier, I’m just not sure how to start or if we should do that while we’re getting him to sleep by himself in his crib. Sorry for the novel everyone but I need help and encouragement!
Kenzie
February 22, 2016 at 11:57 pmA paci should only be used to help baby fall asleep. If you keep putting it back in every time it falls out, baby will get used to sleeping with it in, and they won’t be able to sleep without it in their mouth! Once it falls out, just leave it alone.
Michelle
February 22, 2016 at 7:18 amOne more add: my son just slept thru the night in his bassinet in our room. Not the crib. So do we hold off on the crib for now?
Karen
March 2, 2016 at 9:37 pmIt wasn’t as bad as we thought & yes, I wish we’d done it sooner. We have twins my daughter slept well from the start but my son spent his first 2 months in the hospital and when he came home he did not sleep well at all. For about 10 months I jumped up and got him immediately so as not to wake his sister, 1 screaming baby in the middle of the night I could deal with, 2 I could not. But after 10 months I couldn’t deal with the sleeplessness any more. We had a plan I thought it would take at least a week and we were prepared for at least that. It took 2 nights. The first night was the longest, 3 straight hours of screaming, when he finally fell asleep it was standing up holding on to the railing of his crib. I pried his little fingers off the edge, laid him down and he slept the rest of the night. The second night it was 20 minutes. Since then it’s been a breeze. At 20 months they both sleep an average of 11 hours a night. Good luck!
Rebecca
March 11, 2016 at 4:17 pmFirst time mom here… My son will be 5 months next week. He has always been a decent sleeper the problem is we have to bounce/Rock and sing him to sleep and can hardly put him down at nap time.. At what age did most parents find sleep training successful? I put my little guy down down for his nap after our routine because I’d never just tried it and seen if he could do it or would fall asleep. He cried and played on ans off for an hour and I caved to ensure that he get a morning nap…
angela
March 22, 2016 at 10:05 pmHi!
I am just stumbling across your website while searching for info on sleep training. I am VERY ready to commit to getting my youngest sleeping through, he’s almost 9 months old and has never slept through the night, not even once on a fluke, he’s maybe hit 4 hours tops and things were predictable and manageable at first and now are getting worse which makes me think he’s very much ready to be sleeping. So I have a few dilemmas I am stuck on though, the first and most important is my old son, who’s almost 3 shares a very small room with him (he sleeps directly above the 9 month old). My younger son cries LOUD, unexplainably, immediately, urgently LOUD so he wakes my older son up when he wakes, which prompts me to race in to stop him so my older one can sleep. The next issue I have is he puts himself to sleep fine at bedtime, and at naps (he fusses at naps pretty hard but never more then 10/15 minutes). So his nightly waking used to be based around eating and very predictable, every 2-3 hours he’d wake up and eat and go back down no problem. We got hit with a few different sicknesses recently and since then things are all out of whack, he’s a pain in the butt going to bed, he goes but with much more fussing, he’s up at very random times and has no major interest in a bottle (part of the reason I think he’s ready to be sleeping trained). Now when he’s up lately I end up laying him back down after he doesn’t eat and he screams and wakes his brother who I then have to take out and put him in my bed or the couch so his brother can cry until he goes to sleep (which usually isn’t very long). But I don’t like disrupting my 3 year olds sleep all the time, he sleeps terrible outside his own bed, he doesnt nap during the day and is starting to become a bit of a grouch I think from all the wake ups and inconsistency at night… Anyhow if you can offer ANY advice I’m open!!! Please and thank you!!!!
Jess
March 23, 2016 at 12:35 amAlexis,
First I need to say I’ve been reading every page/comment/reply on your site since I gave birth in August of 2015 to our daughter. She’s had terrible reflux issues and was too young to really incorporate somethings, so I just waited until she was of age (and her reflux with medication was more comfortable) for me to try sleep issue tactics.
Secondly, I saw you say you used to game and as a gamer, I loved that. It made me fall in love with your site even more, that you are so relatable.
So here’s my story of one, M the Mighty.
She’s 7 months as of the 19th of March. I’ve done a lot of the no-nos. I’ve fed her to sleep, rocked/bounced/babywear while she has a paci, and co-slept while she comfort nurses herself back to sleep when she wakes. She’d sleep in a swing but outgrew it by 3 months sadly, which was before I was able to read your swing to crib guide. Her naps are on me or with me and when she was younger, in the car.
She’s never fallen asleep on her own. She will fuss if she’s super tired, but if I just pick her up, she zones out immediately. If I attempt to lie this dead-weight, snoozing child down, her eyes pop open and she wails. It’s hilarious in its own right, but obviously losing its charm, as I’d love to be able to put her down sleepy and have her sleep on her own.
My husband would love to help, but with his schedule/distance, M sleepy time is a solo adventure for me. (Yippee? More loot?) Bed time is 7:30pm (just adjusted to the time change, had a few rough days) and we do a really simple routine, but it usually ends with her and I in bed. She nurses a bit and then rolls away and sleeps soundly with one leg possessively on top of me somewhere. She honestly sleeps great at night, tossing/turning once or twice max to eat, then sleeps until 7:15am on the dot.
I’ve done everything I can to get three naps in a day, but I think she’s at the stage where I need to condense them. She has only taken one long nap in the middle of the day for the past three days and refuses to go down no matter what I do, the rest of the time. (Early for an 8-10m regression, right?) I kept telling myself to keep trying all other suggestions, because she was still young for CIO from your articles. I’d been doing anything and everything for naps because I think it’s CIOville for us. She can’t fall asleep without help.
We just started solids. She still needs her reflux medicine. I’ve debated just jumping down the CIO hole, but we are relocating in a few weeks and wonder if it’s best to wait until we settle again.
Sorry if this was I coherent rambling. I’m pretty tired.
– Jess
Allie
April 3, 2016 at 7:57 amI am all on board with sleep training our feisty 5 month old, but I’ve had a hard time being consistent because I’m worried she’s really hungry! She’s never been a great sleeper, but she has had a few times where she’s slept totally thru the night (twice to be exact!). So I know she’s capable of it! Usually, we put her down awake and she falls asleep on her own with minimal crying. However, she then wakes up at 11, 1-2, and 4-5, and will cry for 45 minutes. That’s when I break and go feed her; sometimes, she puts herself back to sleep in a few suckles (and then I’m kicking myself because I know she wasn’t really hungry!) but sometimes she’ll eat for 10 minutes before falling back asleep. I’ve started to cut down the length of feedings, but it’s slow going. All this to ask, do you think she’s actually hungry? How can I tell? She’s healthy and gaining weight super-well, so am I a terrible mom if she cries all night looking for a snack??
V. Simpson
April 5, 2016 at 1:03 amDear Alexis,
The sleep guides and the support of the mothers on the associated facebook page helped me to help a friend transform her family’s life. Their nine month old (no daytime naps), up every 45 minutes at night is sleeping 11-12 hours per night, putting himself to sleep in 2-4 nights of ST with less than an hours crying over all nights total. He is also now a “champion” napper in her words. That has taken a two more weeks after the sleep training, but again, not much crying. She texts me nearly every day marvelling at the change. Love the way your write and I wished you were around when my now adult children were babies. We can’t believe how accurate the guides were. We followed them to the letter. She already had a good routine with feeding at the front and he didn’t have a pacifier or any night feeds. His sleep association was rocking to sleep. He was sometimes screaming for 2-4 hours a night, especially early in the morning when then sleep debt had diminished. We learnt SO MUCH about sleep from you. It was also refreshing that the information was offered from one mum to another free of charge with no agenda to buy or subscribe. Although we would gladly donate to any cause of your choosing or buy your book if it is out, such is our gratitude. She is a changed woman – confident in her ability to parent her baby and enjoying being a mum (which while she was seriously sleep deprived was a challenge). The whole experience I think will put her in good stead to tackle the parenting challenges that are sure to crop up as she moves forward. Thank you from Sydney, Australia — big hugs – you and the group have changed three lives for the better.
Alexis
April 5, 2016 at 11:16 amDear V,
For the past few weeks I’ve been living in my basement doing very little beyond book editing and feeling stressed about the quality of the book (I second guess EVERYTHING). Our house is a mess, the kids laundry is piled up in heaps, I’m not exercising – because I’m too busy stressing about my book and getting it ready to go to the editor (which is a big expensive deal).
As a result I’ve been stressed and grouchy for weeks.
Thus I wanted to tell you that your kind comment was a much-needed big hug and totally made my day. Thank you so much – it couldn’t have come at a better time!
Cheers 🙂
Alexis
Lane
April 15, 2016 at 3:41 pmMy daughter is 8 months old and tonight I am attempting to start the sleep training process.. she has coslept with us since day 1 of birth.. She has ALWAYS been a sleep fighter and sometimes will not go down until 10:30 or 11:00 which I know is bad but she just literally will not go down.. me and my husband do everything from 9-10:30 or 11:00 when she finally falls asleep. Then she wakes 1-3 times at during the night and when I get her up at 6:15 to go to the babysitters she cries and cries because I know she is so exhausted. My Question is .. since my child does not usually go to sleep until 10:00, 10:30 or 11:00.. when should I set her Crying it out bedtime?? 8:30?? HELP
Lane
April 15, 2016 at 4:52 pmWell no one has commented.. so we will see how this goes!!!
Alexis
April 15, 2016 at 5:07 pmComment #1 – 3:41
Comment #2 – 4:52
So you’re expecting service within 1 hour or less? Uh…I’m not the drugstore photo lab you know!
The answer is 11:00 PM. THAT is currently her bedtime. Is this bedtime too late? Yes because you’re waking her each morning and her night is too short. But that’s another problem for another day. The answer to your question is definitely 11:00 PM.
Lane
April 18, 2016 at 9:40 amSorry.. I think Friday since I was starting her sleep training.. I was nervous/anxious! I know you aren’t a photo lab! haha.. So Friday we started her routine at 9:00 which is bath then in her room for bottle/rocking then in her crib.. I walked out at 9:20 and she cried from 9:20 til 10:10 then silence. I finally went in at 10:40 after 30 mins of silence and she was asleep. So she cried about 50 mins.. and she slept all night and woke up at 7:00 am the next morning.
Saturday night.. same routine with bath and in her room for bottle/rocking. I sat her in her crib and walked out at 9:15.. she cried until 9:25 and then silence.. so I waited til 10 and went in and she was asleep. She woke at 12 and since she hadnt had much bottle I fed her and she laid back down in her crib no crying.. then at 3:50 she woke so I went in and patted her back but when I tried to walk out she raised her head and cried.. so I just left and finally she cried from 3:55-4:50 and then was silent and slept til 8:15. I decided not to feed her at 3:55 so no bottle.
Sunday Night.. I could tell she was ill and tired and nothing was pleasing her around 7:30.. I really didn’t know what to do since I knew her routine didn’t really start til 9.. but we decided at 8 that we would start and see what happened.. so at 8 she got a extended bath and then in her room for bottle/rocking.. I walked out at 8:35 and nothing! NO CRYING! I couldn’t believe it.. so I waited and finally went to sleep myself at 9.. then she woke at 12 so I gave her a bottle and she went back in her crib.. cried maybe 5 mins and was asleep and slept til 6:15 when I woke her up to go to babysitters since I work and my husband works!
Tonight will only make night 4 of sleep training but I would say she is taking to it pretty good!! I keep thinking this is to good to be true tho.. to finally have a baby sleeping in HER bed and only waking once (which I can handle) and going to before 10.. and getting my BED back with my husband.. I hope this is really working and not just a fluke! We will see..
Lane
April 18, 2016 at 9:43 amAlso.. not sure if I should stick to the 8:00 routine now or what?
Allie
April 17, 2016 at 11:04 amI had posted a comment (see earlier) a few weeks ago, and seeing as most commenters have the same/similar questions, I figured I’d share what has happened since!!
My partner and I finally decided to go full extinction, and NOT go into her room at all until after 1 am. She’s still 5 months old, so I don’t have any issue with her eating once at night still. Night #1 was awful….she cried for 2 hours the first time she woke up!! I fed her once the clock struck 1, she fell asleep for 6.5 hours straight. AMAZING.
Since then, she has woken up at MOST once in the early morning to eat, sometimes sleeps straight from 8:30-6:30. If she wakes up at other times (rarely) we let her fuss and she’s back asleep within ten minutes.
This has been life-changing!!!! Like Alexis wrote, there are no half-measures with CIO. I had trouble committing before, we had tried some Ferber but not consistently. Once we dove in, things got better so quickly. And our wee one is sooo much happier during the day, probably because she’s sleeping better!
I understand that everyone’s baby is different, and I’m sure there will be setbacks, but I wanted to thank Alexis and this site for helping us finally get some sleep!!!!
Alexis
April 17, 2016 at 2:02 pmAllie,
Thank you for coming to share your story! That it all worked relatively quickly, that your little peanut is happier during the day, and everybody weathered it and came out aces 🙂
Cheers,
Alexis
Lane
April 18, 2016 at 11:34 amI also did the NOT going in at all thing until her first wake up after initially going to sleep.. I found that going in every 5 min then 10 and so forth with doing the intervals was just not going to work with our daughter. It worked better when I didn’t go in at all.. Good Luck
Sam
April 21, 2016 at 1:11 pmHi Alexis,
I would just like to thank you for your hard work that you put into this site. I have a 6 month old baby who is sleeping very well thanks to your sleep guides, suggestions and techniques. I am so very grateful. I learned a lot from you and I now recommend my new mom-friends to your site for help with getting their babies to sleep well. Thank you again and I look forward to your book! Best wishes.
Robin
April 21, 2016 at 1:46 pmMy first 2 kids were great sleepers. We did CIO and they started sleeping 12 hours a night after 3-5 nights around 6 months and never looked back. Enter child #3. We started CIO with her at 6 months and she is now 9 months and still having issues. She goes down for naps at 9 and 1:30 without a peep and sleeps 1.5 – 2 hours each time (great!) and goes down for bed without a peep between 7 and 7:30 pm (great!) but she has been waking every night between 3:00-4:30 am and crying (never the exact same time). She hasn’t had a bottle at night in over 8 weeks now (so not hunger) but she still wakes and cries, sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for 1.5 hours, then she goes back to sleep on her own until 7 am. I check and console (without picking up!) every 20 minutes. I am very consistent with only consoling her for 15 seconds or less. I feel I am busting my butt to make sure she gets good naps and that I am super consistent with the short nighttime checks and yet we are still not sleeping through! What’s the deal? (we have black out shades, a white noise machine, no pacifier, a heater set to 68, a small lovey in her bed, etc.) I am at my wit’s end! Thanks for the help!
janeta
May 13, 2016 at 3:52 amHi there, i have two questions about sleep training.
1. Is there such a thing as no cry solution? honestly. Coming to check on baby every few minutes is considered not letting them CIO but they do cry and even if we call it ‘protesting’ it is still crying.
2. If babies wake up at night more times than we realise, what means they wake up more times than we wake up to put them back to sleep, why do we need to train them at all? doesn’t that mean that they already can go back to sleep on their own? I mean, say a baby wakes up 6-8 times a night (just putting random numbers), parents wake up 3-4 times a night and rock or feed or whatever is needed so the little one falls asleep again. What about the other 3-4 times? I thought about it recently because we struggle with our little guy and Im trying to figure out the best way to deal with it.
thanks!
Illyn
May 24, 2016 at 3:07 pmSo grateful that I came across this page!!! reading all the other momma’s struggles is making me feel a little better about my daughter not being able to sleep on her own.. My daughter Is 9 months and she does sleep through the night, that is not the issue, the issue is getting her to sleep! Her bedtime was anywhere between 830-900 which I thought was a little late since she would fuss/cry so I’ve moved it up a bit and it worked for awhile but now she’s pushing it back again. This is because she doesn’t’ want to go to sleep or the fact that were trying to get her to sleep on her own.?!I put her down drowsy and she seems to sleep but within minutes wakes up and cries. OR she is fully asleep on my lap so when i carry her to her crib , she wakes up she can pull up now and just cries. once she’s asleep shes out. So my question is how do I help her to self soothe? I’m not fully ok with the CIO method so need help on how to help her go to sleep on her own..
Mil
May 25, 2016 at 2:25 pmHi Alexis,
I’m so happy I’ve found your site, especially since you make me laugh about my own sleep deprived situation ;). Seriously, I didn’t know I was still able to function on 10 months of interrupted nights of sleep.
I’m still struggling to get my lovely and happy 10-month old babyboy sleep through the night. He hasn’t been a sleeper since birth. I remember seeing him happily looking around and babbling while he laid swaddled in his crib when he was just a couple of months old…
Until approx 8 months I nursed him to sleep and co-slept with him. Yes, I know…. Then I started CIO and was very pleased with the results. Within a couple of nights, I could put him down in his own crib in his own room around 19:30-20:00. He would still cry for around 5-10 minutes but eventually would fall asleep and wake up again around 23 and 4 and then we started the day around 8. For me, that was beyond what I’d expected. So far, so good. After two weeks he got sick and had fever for a couple of days. During these days I co-slept again with him (in his own room) since he was velcro’ed to me the whole day like a little monkey. When he was recovered I started again with CIO, but after some days he became sick again. Since then it’s all messed up and to be honest I can’t stand listening to his cries for longer than 10 minutes anymore.
We are back in the situation that he wakes up several times at night again. He starts in his own bed, but after crying at 22:30, 0:00 and then again at 01:00 I take him into my bed to keep my sanity (yes, I know, it’s only short-term…).
So today I’m starting again with CIO and I’m preparing myself for listening to a lot of crying the coming nights. Not looking forward to it. But I know I really need to give this another go.
Any tips? Everything is welcome!
PS We are using white noise, to be specific we ‘re using ‘sounds of the womb’ 😉
Yes, he is also a crappy napper. Always been. He takes 2 naps of approx 1 hour or 1 nap of approx 2 hours when I lay down next to him.
Maria
October 28, 2016 at 4:50 pmI just wanted to put my 2 cents here,since this site gave me courage and peace of mind when we did CIO. My baby is my first child and I was obsessed with fulfilling her needs at any cost. Which in the end lead to her being 6 1/2 mo, breast feeding every 2 hours day or night and sleeping only after being bounced for an indefinite period of time-sometimes 5 minutes and sometimes an hour. Crap naps are included naturally. That lasted until one night I realised I felt hate, like pure intense hate towards my life and this child I am holding in mu hands and bouncing relentlessly while tears where falling down my cheaks. And I realised that it’s not her fault but mine. And that it’s much worse to avoid crying while at the same time having this terrible feeling towards a baby. A freking lovely,cuddly,beautiful baby. That is the moment I decided to do CIO and no regrets at all.
So please,don’t be ashamed if you can’t take it anymore and certanly do not feel bad because of “perfect baby” martyr parent who give you the stink eye when you say you went to Cryitoutswill. When they annoy me I just say I use front facing Babybjorn so they can rant on smthng else.
Zadith
January 2, 2017 at 9:09 pmHey all. Great info! I read the Weissbluth book and are 5 days into sleep training my 2.5 year old. She was a great sleeper for a while (6 mon old to 3 months ago). She used to cry a little but would sleep a whole 12 hours in her crib with the occasional 3a wake up and end up in our room. Naps at daycare were always good but on weekends she napped w us. Despite this we had a great routine. Then things changed one night and it all stopped! then her ability to crawl out of her crib happened and then we removed one side. I tried camping out but then failed when I found myself rocking her or petting her to sleep on her toddler bed. She woke up a lot mid night and required the same. Then I tried walking her back to her bed every time until my back almost broke. So then enter weissbluth. We put a gate at her door, toddler proofed her room, and let her be. We’ve seen great success over 5 nights : 50 min, 20min, 10 min,2 min and 2 minutes of crying at bedtime. She stays awake though and walks around and makes her bed over and over again until she eventually falls asleep around 9p. She fusses very little at 1 a and 6a but sleeps till about 8. Naps at daycare have extended to almost 3 hours from 12-3p. Weekends she still napping with us. I feel like the nap training is too stressful for us right now and to be honest I love those cuddles. Tonight, after a 3 day weekend she cried for 40 minutes at bedtime. Hoping it’s just an expected reversion. But she always cries though. Is she ever not gonna NOT cry at bedtime? Even when she was smaller she always cried a little. Is that bad?
lucy
February 10, 2017 at 7:50 amDear Alexis,
Thank you so much for giving us your expert knowledge! I basically spent about 2 hours reading all your posts on sleep training and then we did exactly what you said, I mean we followed all your principles. And it worked! And no it wasn’t easy.
In case this is useful to others, some background:
– Our son is 7 months
– He used to sleep though from 10pm until 7am between 2 months and 4 and a half – then he stopped when he was teething/had a virus/was growing… since then we have been sleep deprived and it got increasingly worse (waking every hour)
– I kept thinking he will get better on his own because he used to sleep well – it didn’t
– I read lots of advice on various baby websites and it almost seemed like Alexis is the only person on the internet who talks sense abour babies and that all others just write anything so that you’re on their site for long enough to get money from adverts…
Some key points:
– Alexis doesn’t tell you what to do in every situation but gives guiding principles (consistency, no feeding just before bed etc) because there will always be what ifs. So in those situations where we weren’t sure what to do (such as when he woke up 15 minutes before he was “allowed” to next drink – let him cry or feed?…) my partner asked – what would your guru (that’s what he’s been calling Alexis) do? And what would you do? And then base a logical decision on those answers – so trust your own judgement based on Alexis’ principles and be consistent with the logic.
– It really helps to have someone to talk to/support when the baby is screaming at 4am- I nearly gave up at least twice and wouldn’t have got this far without my partner repeating the word consistency
– Not every baby has huge success with 3 or 5 days, as seems to often be the case. But if you’re doing every right (read all Alexis’ posts to know what that is), it does work eventually. So far we have done CIO for 7 days and progress has been like 2 steps forward and one step back. And today my son slept a total of 11 hours 30 mins during the night with 2 x 5 minute feeds and no crying (his record at the beginning was 2 hours of constant crying). So now we’ll start with night weaning according to Alexis!
– This experience has helped me understand my baby more – thanks so much. And it has helped me to “teach” my baby something that he didn’t like in the beginning but now is benefitting from it (he’s much calmer, more rested and happier). After all we are the adults and babies need to learn, and they can. My conclusion is that by doing sleep training, I was showing I have a lot of respect for my baby because I was confident he was able to learn. It’s a good approach to bringing up children in general I think. And happy parents = happy baby.
– One last thing: I have never ever before contributed any comment to any baby websites/forum because I never had the time/interest. But on this occasion I was so grateful/impressed that I decided to share my experience/learnings.
Now that I have the energy and the sun’s out, I’m off out for a walk with my son – can’t wait! Thank you!!!
Alexis Dubief
February 10, 2017 at 10:35 amAw cheers and thanks Lucy!
nora
April 19, 2017 at 12:38 amhello, so im not a fan of the Crying and i simply don’t have the guts for it…due to many reasons, one of which is traveling across the globe and cosleeping, my daughter got attached. now she’s in her own crib/room and been better and more familiar with it. she naps in it but again she needs a “prop” to sleep. AKA ME! we eliminated the nursing slowly..some days harder than others, however, my issue now is the night time wakings which happen to be random and very frequent! now that she’s 10 months she can wake up, sit up and STAND! even if i do decide to let her cry it out for a while..CAN she go back to sleep? not sure if she can even get herself back down and asleep!?
Alexis
April 19, 2017 at 10:34 amGrrr…my own blog ate my own comment. {shakes fist}
The key is how she’s falling asleep. If she falls asleep WITH you she’s going to wake frequently and need YOU to fall BACK to sleep. The change has to happen at bedtime.
Can she sit down unassisted? If you prop her at the couch during the day can she sit? Can she sit down 5 times in a row? If not – practice. She’ll figure it out right quick.
Brooke
May 6, 2017 at 4:24 pmHello,
I am trying CIO with my 11 mo old son. I am having trouble because when I lay him down he gets right back up. Often he will cry then sit in one spot. He gets tired and bobs his head. Then he I will have to lay him down or he will bonk his head or fall over. How do I get him to learn to lay down? I don’t want him to hurt himself and I don’t want to keep laying him down. Thank you.
Elizabeth
June 12, 2017 at 3:42 pmI’m not a fan of CIO and I wouldn’t do it to my child. To be honest I was sceptic about any sleep training method because I have the worst sleeper in the history of babies but I heard a lot about guide “How to teach a baby to fall asleep alone” by Susan Urban. Her method is without CIO so that convinced me. After 4 days my LO sleeps like an angel (nights and days). I still can’t really believe it but it looks like we did it. I even got rid of night feedings so that’s just fantastic!
So I wanted to encourage everybody who is interested in sleep train a baby to first of all try Susan Urban’s method and follow her instructions ( I found the guide here: http://www.parental-love.com ) and I bet any other method especially with CIO won’t be necessary.
Corry
June 14, 2017 at 2:24 amI used the same guide to sleep train my LO and after reading it I knew it will be easy as pie. And I was right. The method is easy and very fast and what was the most important for me – without CIO. Really recommend it
Maggie
June 23, 2017 at 2:43 amI followed this guide and I am so happy I did it! took us 3 days to make my daughter to sleep better without waking up so many times at night and she’s able to fall asleep on her own now! You have no idea gow happy I am! babies and parents can be so much happier after sleep training!