If you read many of the posts here you’ll find that the term “consistency” comes up approximately 1,203,468 times. Consistency is a really powerful component of helping your child sleep. Where does your child sleep? Who cares, just be consistent! What does your bedtime routine look like? Who cares, just be consistent! I use the phrase “consistent” as many times each day as I say, “Stop hitting your brother.”
Consistency is doubly important when it comes to cry it out. Because when it comes to sleep training, even small well-intended inconsistencies can blow up on you.
Almost immediately.
Here’s a great illustration of how that can happen, taken directly from a comment:
Consistency and Cry it Out
I am on day 6 of cry it out method. And I desperately need your help to make this a success. I have been very consistent with my schedule. 7PM feed+bath+lullaby+bedtime at 7:30 PM. One feeding at 11 PM and a second between 3:00 -3:30 AM.
Day 1: Cried for 16 minutes. Woke up 2-3 times but fell back to sleep on her own after fussing. On One waking session at 12:45 AM she cried for 1.5 hrs and fell back to sleep.
Day 2: Cried for 7 minutes. Woke up 4-5 times but fell back asleep on her own after crying/fussing for some time.
Day 3: Cried for 7-8 minutes. Woke up 3 times but fell back asleep on her own 2 times. On one waking session at around 1 AM and cried for 1 hr before falling asleep.
Day 4: Cried for around 15 minutes. Woke up 2-3 times but fell back asleep on her own after fussing for a bit. One waking session she cried for 7 minutes at around 10pm.
Day 5: Cried for 22 minutes. When I went in the 2nd time I Shshed her for 30 seconds of patting her and she fell asleep. Did not wake up till 3:15am. But after feed she was completely awake at 3:45am. Unfortunately, had to rock her to sleep for 45 minutes after 10 minutes of crying.
Day 6: Cried for 30 minutes. When I went in the 3rd time I again Shshed her for 30-45 seconds while patting her and she fell asleep.
Her crying during bedtime has NOT reduced but is increasing each passing day and we are on the verge of giving up. My husband is concerned about increasing amount of crying. We’re not sure how to proceed. Please help!
Sleep Training Gone South
Please note this is not somebody I know, nor do I have any information beyond what is presented in the comment. I don’t know how old this baby is, what they’re trying to wean out of, if baby has medical complications, if they’re co-sleeping, etc. But even without that background some things jump out from here:
Sleep training on night #1 went fantastic. At bedtime anyway. Only 16 minutes of crying at bedtime for a baby who presumably was previously (insert: patted, rocked, fed) to sleep? This definitely qualifies as amazeballs! Then there’s a big crying jag at 12:45 AM. Why? I’m not sure. However the fact that it didn’t reoccur on subsequent nights makes me inclined to write it off as “one of those things.”
Night #2 is fantastic – some grumbles at bedtime, a few other minor grumbles during the night. But overall, simply fantastic.
Night #3 is less fantastic, another hour of crying at 1 AM. Again without more history I can’t say why for sure. My gut says this may be a baby who was eating a ton at night prior to this and is seeking more food than the 2X scheduled feedings provides.
Night #4 – fantastic again. If she was starving at 1 AM (and this is debatable) she’s doing amazing now and clearly doesn’t need to eat then. Phew, the hard part is over. Tally ho!
Night #5 – Aaaand the wheels come off the bus.
CIO Analysis
With the exception of the 2 long sessions of night crying (again, a bit of a mystery but I’ll assume it was a food issue and temporary) things were going extremely well. Some people get hung up on the brief crying at bedtime or during the night but they shouldn’t because…
[list type=”numlist”]
-
10 Minutes at Bedtime
5-15 minutes of crying at bedtime is nothing. Sadly there is lots of unnecessary self-flagellation among parents out there who are feeling terrible about a few minutes of grousing at bedtime. If you are one of these, please stop and repeat after me, “This is nothing.” Some kids simply need to vent a little steam before they fall asleep. Others are complaining because they don’t want to separate from you nor do they want to sleep. Because they’re not verbal they express this through crying. When they’re three years old they’ll spend 10 minutes yelling, “Mom! I don’t want to sleep! I’M NOT TIRED!” before nodding off for a solid 11 hours of sleep.
-
Brief Night Grumbles
Little bouts of fussing/crying periodically are normal, especially for a kiddo who is just learning to sleep without you. Babies cycle through sleep every 45-90 minutes so they’re literally waking up all night long. Usually they fart (I mean jellybeans, babies fart jellybeans), roll over, and go back to sleep so that you’re not aware that this is happening. This baby is “new” to falling asleep on her own so a few times at night, when she cycles through light sleep, she’s grumbling about it. But she’s fine; if she really needed Mom/Dad it wouldn’t just be a few minutes.
[/list]
So anyhoo, in general things were going well.
But then night #5 threw them a curve ball in the form of an extinction burst. I bet you $1,000 that’s what happened. I don’t even have $1,000 but it’s fine because I’m totally winning that bet. It was an extinction burst.
So Mom, who is a loving and concerned parent, got nervous and went in to do what she felt was meeting her child’s needs. And this happened,
[pullquote type=”1″ ]
Shshed her for 30 seconds while patting her and she fell asleep
[/pullquote]
30 seconds.
A child who is in pain, or has a serious “need” doesn’t fall asleep after 30 seconds of patting. Although entirely well-intended, that 30 seconds meant that after 5 days, baby didn’t fall asleep on her own. And this small 30-second bout of being INconsistent has just blown up this families sleep training journey.
Because the Goddess of Consistency is an unforgiving wench.
Because now after 4 days of solid progress we have a baby who has just been patted to sleep. She sleeps through till 3:45 AM but is upset, crying, and needs to be rocked for 45 minutes until she’s fully asleep and can be put back down in the crib. She’s crying because she fell asleep with Mom there patting her and woke up later with Mom missing. So from her perspective something disorienting and mysterious had occurred. Now she’s upset and WIDE AWAKE.
On the next night she’s crying for 30 minutes because the 30 seconds of patting on night #5 put us squarely back into “I can only fall asleep with help from Mom” territory. And clearly that’s what’s going on because again, if the child had a real need (hunger, gas, pain, etc.) it would take more than another scant 30 seconds of patting from Mom to fall asleep. We don’t know what happened after that but I’m confident there were more tears and rocking required in the middle of the night.
So Now What?
Now Dad is questioning this whole strategy. Mom’s feeling guilty. And baby is crying way more than when they first started down this path. It would be easy to give up and maybe they will. If they decide to double-down on sleep training and re-commit to being consistent it will work. But there will be more crying before things get better because that is the unfortunate and unintended result of being inconsistent.
My advice would be to decide on a plan and commit. If they’re going to pat her to sleep at bedtime then do it AT bedtime. Don’t let her cry 20-30 minutes and then rush in to pat, just do it as soon as she goes into the crib.
It’s OK to say, “This is where we are and what we feel comfortable doing right now.” Yes she will wake up during the night, possibly upset and disoriented, and need your help to fall back to sleep. Potentially (depending on history and age) they could be facing developing bedtime battles as baby recognizes that Mom disappears after she falls asleep so she fights sleep to keep Mom on the scene. Night wakings could become more frequent or difficult. Or maybe they’ll level out at 2 feedings + 1 waking to be rocked.
It’s hard to say, my predictive abilities when it comes to babies night time behavior is roughly equal to my ability to predict the outcome of World Cup games.
It’s that or back to cryitoutsville with full commitment to baby consistently falling asleep on her own. No patting. Full stop. However there will be more crying on this road, far more than the 16 minutes they started out with.
So if you’re considering sleep training, you have to commit fully to being consistent at bedtime. Because the Goddess of Consistency will not forgive you even the slightest betrayal. Seriously, she’s the worst.
Does anybody else have any experiences with being consistent (or not) that they’re willing to share?
Michelle
August 17, 2017 at 7:30 amWe just had night #3 of crying it out with our 3.5 month old. I know this is earlier than the 4 month recommended age to start CIO, but we felt that it was close enough and that she was ready. We wanted to do CIO because she has needed a pacifier to fall asleep and to fall back asleep, and when she has gas in the night it wakes her up and she needs her pacifier put back in again. This happens sometimes every hour or more, and no one is getting any sleep! On the first night, she fussed a little but fell asleep. She woke a few more times in the night, and we didn’t go in to soothe (it only makes her more mad), and she only cried for less than 15-20 minutes each time. On nights 2 and 3, she went down with minor fussing again, but has woken up multiple times in the night to cry for 20-60 minutes! She has long since been weaned off night feedings but has kept a dream feed at 11:30, which she cries afterwards. It seems clear to me that she’s still just angry to not have a pacifier. Any idea why it’s getting worse though? We plan to keep it up for a week and see how it goes, but we have guests staying with us after that so we can’t have a baby screaming all night… any advice is appreciated Thank you!
Sad, inconsistent, and guilty
October 16, 2017 at 7:32 amHello Alexis and Alexis fans! Your book saved our sanity! But now I am in a predicament.
I thought our three and a half month old was ready for cio.
He used to fall asleep drowsy but awake at bedtime in his swing after we rock him a bit and sleep 6/8 hour stretches (waking only to feed at 2-3am) we have have solid bedtime routine and he recently consolidated his naps!
Three weeks ago we moved him to his crib. He slept great the first night and then started waking up more and more often every night after that, sometimes completely inconsolable . After a couple weeks of this I was going crazy from sleep deprivation. we put him back in his swing and settled at three wakings at night (11-12, 2-3 and 5-6). After two more weeks of this with no sign of improving (we tried not feeding at midnight but he would take an hour and a half to settle with my husband doing everything he can to get him to sleep! it felt like crying out only with us in the room) we decided to try CIO with checks, leaving in one night feed at his pre regression time 2-3 am
Day 1, he fell asleep with my husband comforting him after 45 minutes, woke up at midnight and fell asleepwhile I was doing him after an hour and a half of crying. Fail. no one slept. Regular feed at four after that.
Day 2 went better. He cried for an hour fifteen and then fell asleep on his own. Woke up an hour later cried for 20 minutes and fell back asleep until his feed at 3 am. We were ecstatic
Day 3 last night we totally messed up. He fell asleep during his bedtime routine! We tried to wake him
His eyes opened then flickered shut and we Said a short prayer and went to bed. At midnight he cried for 1.5 hours before before decided that checking on him was making things worse and to stop checking. At 3am I decided that I was a god awful parent and was going to hell. I fed him. He woke again at 4:30 and I found my husband in tears not knowing what to do. I put him back in his swing because please oh god stop crying. And now… He’s sleeping in my lap after I fed him to sleep which we haven’t done in months.
So question: what happens now? Have we ruined sleep for our child forever by being terribly inconsistent? should we give up on CIO and try again in a few months? if so how do we move forward? Or should we stick with the program and commit to doing a better job?
Alexis Dubief
October 16, 2017 at 1:02 pmHonestly I’m not entirely sure what happened but what I THINK happened is we didn’t quite wean off the swing (he was rocked to sleep yes?) so when we moved him into the crib he slept terribly because he wasn’t falling asleep independently. Then you did CIO with checks but he wasn’t quite falling asleep independently because you say on night #1 he fell asleep with your husband comforting him then woke up at midnight when “I was doing him” then again on night #3 he fell asleep during the bedtime routine.
Here’s the key to everything – if he doesn’t fall asleep 100% on his own at bedtime you can’t really expect him to do so in the middle of the night. EVERYTHING starts at bedtime. So what to do now? I could argue a few different directions. Maybe you go back to the swing and use the swing to teach him to REALLY fall asleep independently? If instead you decide to stick to CIO remember – NO CHECKS! Good luck!
Sad, inconsistent, and guilty
October 16, 2017 at 2:05 pmThanks for the advice! We will try the swing out again. This time putting him in it a little more awake. And oopsie about “doing it” I meant “soothing” autocorrect is not kind to a sleep deprived mother typing one handed. Next time we try CIO no checks is the way to go.
Sad, inconsistent, and guilty
November 26, 2017 at 5:47 pmThanks for the encouragement Alexis! We gave it one more go (and hired someone to keep us accountable) and really learned just how resilient our little one is. BUT i’m happy to say that after another couple of weeks of CIO and a lot of long nights, we are down to 1-2 feeds a night.
Unfortunately, in all our attempts to get him to sleep better, we have been moving his bedtime up earlier, and earlier, and earlier. (I think) as a result, he wakes up for the day between 4-5. However, (I think) we are slowly making progress on this by moving bedtime a little later, (I think…)
ANYWHO- thanks Alexis! I call your book the bible here. We really appreciate the humor + evidence-based advice. It’s been a a great resource, and a go-to gift for expecting friends.
Jamie Crawford
November 9, 2017 at 10:27 amSo my baby is 4 months old. For the last 6-8 weeks we have been able to put him down awake and he will only fuss a few minutes a fall asleep on his own. Only swaddled, no binky or anything else. Everything I have read states this is key for success with sleeping through the night, but in the middle of the night he is horrible. We have been feeding him at 11, 2-3 and 5ish for the last month now. He was sleeping from 7:30-1:30 and then 5:30 but when I went back to work it seemed like that fell apart. My question is, if you do CIO, can you eliminate 1 feeding at a time or does it have to be all or nothing? I’ve been slowly decreasing his 2am feed by a ounce, so tonight he will only get 2 ounces, but after that is done, can I let him CIO for 2am but still feed at 11 and 5 until he is use to this? Or should I eliminate the feeds all at once? He is not a baby who can be calmed when he is hungry, and only gets more upset when I try to soothe him, so we would have to do complete extinction. Please help!!
Kristin Oriente
November 12, 2017 at 9:26 amReaching out with prayers someone can give some insight. We had our first night of sleep training with second son last night. I have No idea how to proceed.
Background on him. 4 months. Breastfed. We have started supplementing with small amount of formula (he’s a big fella and mama can’t keep up!) . Up until last night was sleeping 3-4 hour stretches in our room in rock and play. Rocked to sleep. Rocked to sleep for most naps as well. Nurses usually once overnight but wakes up usually for some reason a few times a night (needs to be repositioned, needs paci, diaper change, can’t fall back asleep etc). LAST NIGHT He was up every hour. Literally every hour. We were pleasantly surprised he didn’t cry very much each time before falling back asleep (5-10 min max). He would cry (we would go in, soothe, not pick up… although nursed him at 345 and put him to bed awake and he slept until 7:30) and fall back asleep but then wake up again. Close to every. Hour. Basically starting at 9:30 until that 3:45am feed he was up every hour at some point. Are we regressing? He got longer stretches in rock and play! What can I do? Just keep up with what we’re doing? Please anyone that could help!
Tatjana
November 27, 2017 at 8:34 amHi Alexis,
I’m writing to you from Berlin (not Antarctica, but still far enough away ;))!
I loved reading your book which I found when needing it most: our little family (mom, dad, 8-months old) seems to be crumbling apart due to the topic of sleep! Not just did our LO come once every hour since she’s 6months old – also I have “unlearned” how to fall back to sleep. Last night I couldn’t sleep at ALL! Today I’m a miserable ghost. 7 days ago we started your SLIP program with our LO and until day 5 it went rather smoothly, she’s down to 3-4 feeds a night. I think I’m making a mistake though, and want to know what you think: when she comes for her 2nd feed at about 2-3am I take her from her crib into bed and we co-sleep til the morning. That allowed me to rest for at least 3hours as I can’t fall asleep anymore before that 2nd feeding. Since night 5 though, nap – and bedtime has become a screaming inferno again, I’m guessing: extinction burst. Could it be due to the crib-bed transition at night? Should I stop that and rather night-wean and have daddy give the bottle? I very much look forward to your help..
Best wishes
Alexis Dubief
November 28, 2017 at 4:15 pmHey Tatjana,
I love hearing that my book was helpful 🙂 But truthfully it sounds like there is … a lot going on. I’m not sure where you started but the fact that you’re DOWN to 3-4 feeds a night at 8 months suggest things were pretty horrific. Like if 3-4 feeds is better, it must have been really rough previously. Also why can’t you sleep at all? You’re awake till 2 am because…why? If you’re struggling with insomnia this significantly I would talk to your doctor ASAP. But I digress…
As mentioned, a lot going on here. 3-4 feeds a night is a lot for an 8 month old (0-1 would be a good target). If you used to nurse to sleep and SLIPed out of that, feeds that happen early in the night can RESET that sleep association (unfair I know!). And yes cosleeping in the middle of the night can cause issues. But typically the most common issue there is wanting to cosleep progressively earlier. IF she’s sleeping well in her crib till 2 consistently AND you’re happy to cosleep after 2, then it’s not a major concern.
As for the screaming at bedtime, that could be a lot of things (there’s a whole chapter on troubleshooting SLIP) – I would start there for suggestions. Bedtime too early/late, lingering sleep association, nursing too close to bedtime, etc. are all candidates.
Nightweaning is a separate issue. Truthfully I would! She doesn’t need to eat 4X a night and you’ll have a fighting shot at human-levels of sleep if you aren’t nursing 4X a night. You can wean from nursing or via a bottle. Bottles have the advantage that you guys can take turns but it also means pumping. So it’s a matter of personal preference.
Hope that helps!
Alexis
Tatjana
November 30, 2017 at 3:43 pmHi Alexis,
Thank you so much for your reply! Every advice of yours is being carried out as we speak! 🙂
Oh and cheers for reassuring me that co-sleeping after 2am is alright. Since our LO’s sleep association wasn’t primarily nursing but rather rocking her bed (literally almost tearing a squeaky old travel bed apart) it’s even less problematic, I guess.
In the last three days, 2 nights were exceptionally good btw! The weird reason being – we surprisedly found out – that our LO doesn’t only need 3 of her unalterable 28-minute crapnaps (love that term btw!) during the day, but 4 (!) – with that last one happening at around 6pm, only roughly two hours before bedtime. If she gets that she will suddenly sleep 6-8 hours consecutively and only come once or twice for nursing (we’ve had 2 of these OMG-nights so far).
If not, that is if her last nap is before 5pm, she’s up and running by 11pm, waking every 2hours (last night!)… weird, huh? Especially as she is a healthy 8 months old who, I know, should not nap that often.
Doing SLIP now for 11 days and stuff is definitely becoming better (as you rightly mention, it was horrific before!!!), but the night situation’s inconsistency, the crap naps (trying your bore-out method now as the 20-min “subtle wake” didn’t really make a difference – eyes fluttering but then 8min later the usual wake up), and the crying at nap time are keeping me on the edge.
Oh, but good news, my consequently acquired insomnia is receding: I found an intensely boring audio book and some all-natural german sleep remedy. Thank god.
Excuse my amount of words and thanks again for caring. Helps tremendously! I’ve been promoting your book over here amongst my fellow German moms. It’s the long-awaited hilarious breeze of fresh knowledge we’ve all been longing for! We should get it translated – I know you’d find a grateful clientele here too!
Best wishes from icy Berlin,
Tatjana
Samantha
November 30, 2017 at 9:59 pmHello,
I have been doing cry it out for 4 days now. It has been going well. Yesterday my 4 month old got her shots. Today she had a fever and just wasn’t herself I held her for most naps but you only slept for about 45 mins each/4 naps. I tried to put her down tonight fully awake in the crib after our routine. After about 30 mins of her crying I picked her up. The only reason I picked her up is because her cry was different like an I need you i don’t feel good cry. I rocked/fed her to sleep. I was wondering if I should wait to start over? If so how long should I wait? Will it be harder to start over again or about the same? Should I keep going with it tomorrow if she seems back to normal? Or still wait a couple of days?
Stephanie
December 9, 2017 at 8:22 amHi Alexis- could use some guidance on sleep training / CIO with my 12 week old. We started on Sunday by eliminating feed and CIO with the goal of getting her to sleep through the night . She is growing well and started to get into a night time routine. We did the night time routine with my toddler being somewhat around but keeping it consistent. The first night was in a rock and play and Ben since then we moved her into a pack and play to mimic more of a crib environment. Night one was awful as expected: fell asleep crying a bit and slept until 2. Then cried every 45 mins for about 10 mins until I went to get her at 7. Then night two was better (in pack and play). She cries less like 5 mins each and a few times. Next night even better and then night 4 she was out until 5:45 am with one minor cry and Ben I was in at 7. So we felt accomplished and happy! But Jen these last two nights she went back to the beginning! Woke up st 4 and cried all night on and off and I lost track of the length. We didn’t go in. Same thing with the next night: up at 3:00 and then cried every 20-40 mins until I finally got her at 7 wailing. I have been working hard to make sure she’s eating enough in the day but I know that’s a process and will take time for her stomach to adjust. We want to be consistent so have not gone in to comfort her, but this is now a week and it feels like torture. I hope we are making the right decision to keep going? Is his an extinction burst? Why did it work so well at first?
sam
December 11, 2017 at 2:49 pmHi Stephanie…I would highly suggest that you take a read through Alexis’ entry about night-weaning :https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-3/.
just to make sure- she’s not being nursed/bottle-fed/using pacifier right before she falls asleep at bedtime (should be first step in bedtime routine).
at 12 weeks, your baby is realllyyy still little, so I don’t think she’s ready for complete night weaning and that’s why you’re having trouble in the late morning hours. even older babies have trouble going back to sleep in 4am-6am time period, and that’s why that feed is usually the one that hangs around the longest and hardest to wean. but it’s worth it if it buys everyone a few extra hours of sleep. So I would definitely suggest that if she’s waking up around 4am and not going back to sleep, offer a snooze feed.
Becky
December 11, 2017 at 9:11 pmJust ordered the book yesterday and looking forward to diving a little deeper this mysterious world of baby sleep (though it’s possible I’ve already read too many books on this topic…)! Until it arrives I would love to have a little help… our daughter is a little over 6 months old. We started Ferber-ish sleep training 4 days ago. Prior to that I was bed sharing and nursing to sleep; I would have continued happily down that path except for the past week or so she was up every 1-2 hours demanding to nurse, and I just couldn’t sustain it any longer.
Anywho, bedtime and night times are going reasonably well. No boob, no pacifier, no nothing except Ferber visits if/when screaming. I’m trying to sneak in feedings at night ~3.5 hours before she wakes up crying so I don’t compromise the sleep training but also don’t ask her to go with out food too rapidly, and plan to gradually night wean to no more than one feeding using the method described on this website.
Here’s where we are horribly stuck: naps.She’s in daycare full time during weekdays, so it’s primarily a weekend issue but also the evening after we get home around 4:30 (she goes to bed at 7).She hasn’t been stellar with naps since she was 5 weeks old. We’re lucky if we ever get a 45 minute nap out of her, and most are 25 minutes. We’re also lucky if she gets 3 of these at daycare (4 is a gold star day). We can get more naps in on weekends typically, but I was also nursing to sleep and laying with her to get her to sleep for naps at home.
We tried using the same Ferberish methodology for naps as we’re using for bedtime, and it has FAILED SO BAD. She screams full blast, and we end up getting her out after about 45 minutes of this horribleness. I don’t want to revert to my previous methods for naps and risk setting us back on the progress we’re making at night, but she needs her naps, and she is sooo overtired! I recognize going to get her after about 45 min is also potentially setting us back to some extent, but I really can’t leave her screaming so hard for so long unless I can feel more confident we can win that way in the end. I read the article about achieving better naps, but where I’m stuck is how we can just start to have hope for reasonable naps (at least as good as before or better) instead of an overtired tyrant during the day. Also, as important as consistency is, we aren’t going to be able to do sleep training at daycare to help us out; are we doomed? How can we get nap time moving in the right direction now that we’ve started down this pathway?
Taantee
December 16, 2017 at 3:00 pmHELP! Day 8 of CIO and still lots of crying
Hi Alexis, firstly I LOVE you! Your blog was a life saver as a first time mother, and I credit you for why my first child is such a great sleeper – after 2 short nights of CIO, my almost 3 year old has not had any sleep problems – even travel and illness don’t faze him! My second child is a different story – we started Ferber right after she turned 4 months and are into day 8 with limited success. We removed all sleep crutches (pacifier, swing, shushing, patting, rocking – yes! She needed ALL of this) except the swaddle (we leave legs and one arm out) cause she was continuing to startle herself awake without swaddle.
• On Day 4 – she stopped crying for her naps. But at bedtime she is still crying 30-45 minutes! This is sometimes followed by her waking up after ~40 minutes and crying for another 20-30 minutes before going back to sleep. The ONLY inconsistency in her routine is that at her 1am feeding, she falls asleep while nursing, and even with me trying to burp her, swaddle her, she will not wake up before I put her back in her crib. Should I poke her awake so she is completely awake when I put her back in her crib?
• Also, it’s been hard to keep her on a schedule because of all the crying and not sleeping. If she wakes up ~1 hour earlier for her day, do I take her out and shift the whole day by an hour? Or let her cry in the crib for an additional hour and stick to original schedule?
Thank you!
Taantee
Tran
December 27, 2017 at 11:57 pmHello,
I am at my wit’s end and need some guidance please. We are sleep training our 9 month old. We attempted sleep training at 5 months, but he never cried so we thought we were in the clear. We put him in his crib in his own room when he was 2 months old and he did great. He got sick at 7 months and we brought him into our bed at night because he would wake up from being stuffed up and we needed sleep. He got used to sleeping in our bed and we decided we needed to put a stop to it. We are on night 4 of full extinction. We started with the Ferber method, but it just riled him up even more to see us. He cried for 2.5 hours the first night. The second night he cried for an hour. Last night he cried for 45 minutes. Tonight it’s going on a half hour already. We do a bottle, bath, story, lullaby, then kisses goodnight and see you in the morning. He wakes up happy, but I’m worried he is crying for too long. I’ve been reading examples where baby cries for an hour the first night, maybe 20 minutes the second night, and only a few minutes the third night. Is my baby crying for too long? We have committed to this, but it is excruciating. Thanks for any input you may have!
Hoda
January 25, 2018 at 4:06 pmHi there,
We are sleep training my 1 yr old daughter. Night #1 went amazingly well and we thought we are the luckiest parent inthe world. I didn’t nurse her into sleep for the first time and she only woke up three times and back to sleep after 5 min crying. Night #2 was awefull!!! She went to bed and woke up at 11:20 cried for 10 mins and got up again at 1:33 am and cried for 2 hours!!!! We walked her sang a song, told stories none worked! Suddenly she fell asleep in my arms. But only for 1 hour! Woke up again cried a bit and fell sleep. But again she got up at 5:30 and I had to nurse to sleep her! I was exhausted she was tired and I thought that’s the only way to help her. Could you please give me some tips and let me know if I ruined everything?!
Morgan
February 11, 2018 at 4:53 amHey I’m in real need of help/advise! I have a 5 month old baby who only sleeps in carrier for all his naps and with me in bed all night long. And it’s getting worse I used to be able to throw him in and do jobs talk to people etc. I now have to put him in and a nursing cover over and stay in a dark room with minimal noise and shh and walk for majority of the nap to help threw light sleeps and transitioning threw sleep cycles. It’s getting ridiculous and I’m going back to work in a few weeks and nobody is going to be able to do what I do to help him sleep. I started a consistent nap routine 7 weeks ago to give him plenty of time to self sooth or learn to sleep on his own. We close curtain, turn on noise machine, read a story and nurse then burp and cuddle and into coside sleeper. We started just leaving him until he cries then into carrier to make sure he got a proper sleep. Then left him for up to half hour unless he was crying very bad and always resort to carrier. He has only fallen asleep in there less than 10 times for no longer than 15 minutes when he wakes up screaming. I have read everything about baby sleep I feel my head is going to explore. Seen then that you should start with nights bc it’s easier for them. As where I didn’t mind being a slave to him at night I thought we needed to sort out naps first simce I won’t be here for him soon. So we switched to nights with same approach have had a consistent bedtime room for months but I normally lie down with him breastfeeding to get him to sleep and I can’t leave. He normally wakes up after 25 minutes and need boob back in and then cooks for a few hours 3.5 hours tops of I’m lucky. Then up every one or 2 hours sometimes more frequently to hsve a suckle and fall back asleep. I used to get up everytime he woke and try to feed him but he would be more upset and only drink for a few minutes and fall asleep in my arms. So now we just lie side by side all night long with the boob in his mouth so I can get some sort of sleep. I wake up in agony many times a night from being sore and needing to use the loo but I’m afraid to wake him. I’d say he only needs 1 or 2 night feeds now by the amount his drinks on each awakening. So anyways 2 nights ago we did first cry it out. We checked on him every 5 minutes. Tried just kissing and leaving room again but he qas hysterical. So had to oick up and put back down. Eventually after a half hour he feel asleep for 35 minutes which is the longest he ever did in there. He was screaming so I had to pick him up and put back down. Then I thought he did a poo from all the screaming so I had to change him and he was actually fine. Put him back in more screaming so eventually hsf to nurse him but nothing else was calming him. Fell asleep after 1 minute. Put back in crib same thing. I just held hid hand and for the next 2 hours he was in and out of sleep crying. When eventually I had to bring him into bed to feed to sleep. Keep in mind now he is only 2 inches away from where he normally sleeps. So was total distaster I gave into him too much. So tried again last night. Checked on him 2 twice but was only making him worse. So left him. Seemed like he was gunna fall asleep but then he jist started screaming louder and louder. After 45 minutes I had to go in and nurse him to comfort twice. Both times he conked nearly straight away and I put back into crib. I tried holding his hand then bc I knew he was tired and didn’t need to ear bit he jist didn’t fall asleep like the night before or stop crying. He had been at it and hour and 35 minutes when I gave in and feed him to sleep. He was crying so hard both nights that he was panting for breath even when being nursed trying to regulate his breathing. I’m at my wits end we don’t hsve time for a more gentle approach I just don’t know what to do. He needs to learn to sleep on his own asap. Thank you in advance. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Sally
June 3, 2018 at 7:30 amWe’re on night 5 of CIO with my 15 month old son. I have been nursing him 2-4 times a night since day dot but the last couple of months I’ve found he wasn’t happily going back to sleep after putting him back down, as I think I basically became a human dummy and once my boob was out of his mouth he’d start screaming. Very hysterically. It caused all sorts of tension between my husband and I, and led us to try all sorts of ways – bottles of formula, bringing in to bed, panadol – must be teething?, back on the boob again, rocked by Dad etc etc that it was so confusing for all of us. I dreaded going to bed for fear of what was to come. Anyway, so it all reached a head and CIO seemed Iike the only option.
Day 1 45 mins and 2-3 hours of crying throughout the night. I refused to get out of bed – for the first time in 15 months. It was hard but I knew my presence would only make matters worse. The kid woke up super happy and gave me the best hug ever. I saw a light at the end of what has been a very long, very dark tunnel.
Day 2 25 mins and periods of grumbles/crying throughout the night. Again I didn’t leave my bed all night. It was the simplest way for me to be consistently non interfering.
Day 3 10 mins and a few grumbles. I got up with my husband and made coffee while my child continued to sleep for another 45 mins- this had never happened!! Again he woke up happy and smiling – which definitely helped with persevering with what we’ve been doing.
Day 4 5 mins. I am gobsmacked that i have slept the night through too. THERE IS A GOD!
Day 5 26 mins. This is where I am now. I’ve been expecting a bit of a relapse. His crying tonight seemed a bit more hysterical that the last few nights Andrew I found it quite hard sitting there listening to him but knew if I went in – all that work will be lost.
I’m intrigued to see how the next couple of weeks will pan out but for my son and myself CIO, so far, has been life altering. Last week I couldn’t have even dreamed that there would come a time I wouldn’t be creeping out of his room after BFIng for the fourth time that night and have a floorboard creak that would set him off all over again and the feeling a dispair and sheer exhaustion of not knowing what to do.
Oh the joy of a good nights sleep.
JC
July 28, 2018 at 10:14 pmHelp! I am sleeping training my 15 month old using full extinction. While I hate to see him cry, I felt it was a necessary evil so we are pushing through and now on night 9. He generally cries no more than 20ish minutes once I leave the room but what kills me is that he anticipates bed time and bring left alone that he starts crying around his bedtime even when we haven’t started his bedtime routine. This started happening on the third night and ever since. No matter what I try to distract him with, he continues to cry in anticipation so it’s gotten to a point where we don’t even read a book to sleep. It’s just brush teeth, diaper change, put on pajamas and straight to bed.. so that we minimize his crying. I’ve searched eveywhere for answers to this.. why is this happening and when can I expect this to subside? It feels like he’s almost too smart for sleep training at this point.
Kathleen
July 29, 2018 at 6:01 pmHe IS smart, in that he knows that bedtime means separating from his favorite person and he’s not excited about that. But, the fact that protesting isn’t terribly long is positive. You could try pushing bedtime back ~10-15 minutes, see if it shortens the duration of crying at all. Sometimes that protesting is exacerbated because kiddo isn’t quite ready to sleep yet. Most kids go through phases of not wanting the fun to end – my youngest protested bedtime a lot around that age, even though he’d happily been falling asleep independently since 3 mos.
Laura
November 18, 2018 at 7:59 amHello,
We’re in the midst of sleep training a tricky 5 month old using CIO as any soothing makes it worse. We had some good success on nights 3 and 4 but after that it’s all gone wrong!! He wakes up loads in the night and just won’t stop crying. He cries so long it gets to the time for the next feed so a couple of hours of crying ends in a feed but I can usually avoid feeding to sleep and put him down awake after a feed. At the start of the night he settles himself from fully awake with either no or minimal crying.
Also naps are a disaster. He settles himself but only sleeps for 20 to 30 mins.
How do we tackle resettling? How long should we leave him as we go leave him for hours surely? We’re not ready to drop night feeds yet until he’s weaned.
Thanks!
Laura
sam
November 19, 2018 at 8:53 amHi! What is your bedtime routine exactly? When is bedtime and when is his last nap of the day?
Laura
November 19, 2018 at 9:03 amHello thanks for replying
Bedtime is bath at 6.15, little massage at 6.30, breastfeed, story then bed. Usually asleep around 7.
Last nap is 4pm for 30 mins (or 4.15 for 15 mins if he’s not mega tired)
Thanks
Laura
Laura
November 19, 2018 at 9:07 amHi Sam
Thanks for replying. Bedtime is bath at 6.15, little massage at 6.30, breastfeed then story and bed. Usually asleep by 7.
Last nap is 4pm for 30 mins or 4.15 for 15 mins if he’s not mega tired.
Thanks
Laura
sam
November 19, 2018 at 9:12 amHe may still have a nurse to sleep association since you nurse him pretty close to bedtime. I would suggest changing the routine so nurse/bottle (I only suggest bottle at bedtime because you can be reassured that he has a full tummy), then bath, massage, story and bed. There should be a significant gap between nursing/feeding and actual bedtime/sleep. Good luck!
Laura Cook
November 19, 2018 at 2:02 pmOk great thanks will give that a go! Fingers crossed